The campaign comedoise, she is a beetch. The — how you say, rancid clusterfuck? — it makes zee laughs. Oh ho.

Writing for Politico, Roger Simon, himself a respectable Bozo, has thoroughly beclowned the Republican ticket. According to Roger, Paul Lyin’ Ryan is running around his campaign referring to Mitt Romney as “Stench.” As in “You’re a loser, pal.” As in “Who cut the historic cheese? Oh yeah you did Willard.” As in “I am so smart, S-M-R-T . .” because nobody would likely be interested in reporting about the VP candidate of 45 days being thoroughly done with the Romney hayride.

Though Ryan had already decided to distance himself from the floundering Romney campaign, he now feels totally uninhibited. Reportedly, he has been marching around his campaign bus, saying things like, “If Stench calls, take a message” and “Tell Stench I’m having finger sandwiches with Peggy Noonan and will text him later.”

Tell Stench to clean his hair out of the sink. Tell Stench to gas up the presidency, I’m taking it out this weekend. Tell Stench I saw the dog eating his future and now the vomit’s on his side of the campaign.

If you’re interested: Stench, and his people — the We Dealt Its? The Phews? The Renuzits? — don’t seem too impressed with Li’l Paulie theirselves. They’ve got a nickname of their own.

Dan Senor, one of Romney’s closest advisers, has kept a tight grip on Ryan, traveling with him everywhere and making sure he hews to the directions of the Romney “brain trust” in Boston. (A brain trust, rumor has it, that refers to Ryan as “Gilligan.”)

In the end, it was the Republicans who reduced their Serious People campaign down to Skunk The Skipper and Gilligan. Nice going everyone, good luck getting off the island. Then somebody got on the coconut and let Roger Simon know and now everybody’s reading it this morning. That was a good idea too. How did this happen?

. . on Saturday, the day after he was booed, Ryan broke free. Appearing at a town hall meeting at the University of Central Florida in Orlando, Ryan showed the glitz, the glamour, the razzle-dazzle that he was supposed to bring to the campaign in the first place.

Guests of Caesar’s Palace, a scheduling note. Substituting for tonight’s production of “Elton John’s Million Dollar Piano.” Please give a warm welcome for “Gilligan’s 50 Dollar PowerPoint Presentation.”

He did a PowerPoint presentation for the crowd. According to the National Journal, be began thusly: “ ‘I’m kind of a PowerPoint guy, so I hope you’ll bear with me,’ Ryan told the audience as he began clicking . .

Ryan’s PowerPoint slides were officially labeled: “Our Unsustainable Debt (U.S. Debt Held by Public as a Share of Economy),” “Your Share of the Debt,” “Who Funds Our Reckless Spending?” and “How the Government Spends Your Money.”

The Romney campaign was furious.

At being blown off the stage we presume.

But Ryan reportedly said, “Let Ryan be Ryan and let the Stench be the Stench.”

Because things used to be so totally different but no not ever again.

The Wisest Man On Earth, Dennis Prager, continues to lobby America to pat his pumpkin head. Please tell him how sage he is. The same way his radio listeners do, the same way his readers do. Just blurt it out: “Dennis you are both sensitive and steadfast, and the way you emphasize the Judeo-Christian point of view makes it very impossible to argue. You’re some kind of genius.”

On his army blog of January 19, the commanding general of Fort Bliss (Texas), Major General Dana Pittard, wrote regarding members of the military who commit suicide: “I have now come to the conclusion that suicide is an absolutely selfish act. I am personally fed up with soldiers who are choosing to take their own lives so that others can clean up their mess. Be an adult, act like an adult and deal with your real-life problems like the rest of us.”

Okay, the general is an idiot. But then generals are not paid to understand the traumatized human mind. We have Dennis Prager for that:

. . unless suicide is committed as a result of terrible and unrelenting physical pain — especially if one is suffering from a terminal illness — or a person knows that he is about to be tortured, most suicides are selfish acts. This is said with no lack of compassion for the terrible psychological suffering that people who commit suicide experience.

This is Dennis schtick: ‘I am well aware of everything. Do not think I’m not.’ And then he proves he’s unaware of even the hole in his butt:

. . one reason the general wrote his blog post was that he had just attended the funeral of a man, one of his soldiers, who had killed himself at home on Christmas Day. Among the suicide’s horrific effects on the soldier’s wife and two young daughters was their permanent inability to ever again celebrate Christmas with anything but pain.

Someone in wrenching physical pain who kills himself at Christmas is tragic, but this other guy is a narcissist. Obviously, Dennis refuses to consider the burden of psychological pain. Wisdom’s a breeze when complex issues are fathomed to this depth.

The American military is a revered institution. Its members rightly constitute the most universally admired group in American society. Every soldier who suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) must be helped in every way. But helped is not the same thing as patronized.

This from perhaps the most patronized intellectual weakling of our day. If only this matter were funnier.

If the general’s comments lead to one less suicide, those comments embodied true compassion. Moreover, the first purpose of the military is to produce men who will be able to better fight and win wars against the least compassionate people on earth. And transforming generals into therapists will not accomplish that.

Yeah those poor guys who can’t sleep, who sit in the dark and drink to oblivion will put it together now. You’re a mensch, Dennis.

Something you’ve go to hear. Here’s Think Progress audio of an interview with a witness who used to work with George Zimmerman. The Middle Eastern man tells how Zimmerman taunted and mocked him relentlessly to entertain the pals:

Zimmerman, according to the witness, targeted him because he was Middle Eastern. He repeatedly called the man a “fucking moron” and mocked him using the voice of “Achmed the terrorist.” Zimmerman’s stories about the man would involve “bombing,” “I’ll kill your family” and other “jokes” about “Middle Eastern stuff.” According to the man, this went on “for days and days.”

After a few months, Zimmerman was terminated. According to the witness, “he was fired for calling HR hotline so many times…he would complain about each and every manager and employee.”

George Zimmerman, little punk bitch. Big surprise.

Second post in a row. Back in 1991, the President’s old (current?) literary agency put out a bio of him in a booklet meant for industry perusal.

Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.

Miriam Goderich, now a partner at the agency, waters the fire:

This was nothing more than a fact checking error by me — an agency assistant at the time. There was never any information given to us by Obama in any of his correspondence or other communications suggesting in any way that he was born in Kenya and not Hawaii. I hope you can communicate to your readers that this was a simple mistake and nothing more.

Fuck off, Miriam. People know the propaganda of a tyrant when they see it. Hear it. Roger Simon, the very veteran scribe too dumb for me to do him justice (I’ll try), leads the charge up Obama’s anthill. After first somehow anticipating the bombshell, he asked “Is Obama Imploding?” Standing in the crater, he asked “Is Obama a Pathological Liar?” Now, calmed down, Roger ponders the meaning:

The Mystery of the Kenyan Birth
by Roger L Simon

Reading the extraordinary revelation about Barack Obama’s youthful literary career on Breitbart.com — that his agents published a promotional book in 1991 with a bio of Obama saying he was born in Kenya — set my old mystery writer mind ablaze.

How could that be? Why would they think such a thing?

Why would they think such a thing? Let’s see: He’s black, Kenyan by descent, and people call him “Barack Obama.” Is that good enough for you, Agatha?

There are only two forks in this road — either he was born in Kenya or he wasn’t.

Out for waffles, Roger stuffs the IHOP flatware in his $.99 socks. That’s how I figure the non sequitur. Bob Frost, we have come to a single metaphor in our road: should we go by the ‘wingnut’ or by the ‘regular person’? We take the stupid:

I have never been a conspiracy theorist and will assume the latter, although I have to confess that for the first time, given this revelation, I have the tiniest soupçon of doubt.

Nevertheless, the more interesting, and actually frightening and depressing, conclusion is the former. So what if he was born in Kenya? At least we know why he lied about it. He wanted to be president.

Naw, it’s silly. But it could be true but I’m not that sort of guy but now I’m thinking just maybe. Because if it were true that would be interesting and then everything would make seamless sense and then he’s been lying all this time, because he wanted to be president, which now just occurs, to me. Giddy-up. This humble blogger did write that the tenor of right-coverage on the “Kenya report” stunk of nirvana. Let’s see:

But why did Obama’s agents think he was born in Kenya? That’s a more interesting question. (Obama, of course, is a liar either way.)

Roger has got the bastard.

I will leave aside for the moment the question of whether he vetted the agent’s material himself . .

. . because that would crash an orgasm, but there’s conclusive evidence in the form of . .

As the author of eleven published books and seven produced feature films, I have had plenty of dealings with agents and publicity people and always looked over the bios they had written about me. Every author I ever talked to about it always did too. We’re those kind of egotists.

. . in the form of Roger Simon, author and genius, and now that the jury’s cold naked . .

But I have no way of proving that Obama did — although I would faint if he hadn’t.

. . he’ll lose consciousness if he’s wrong. Do you figure Roger for an adult? Most human beings don’t expect to be hospitalized for sloppy editing. This was my point yesterday: wingnuts, with their hearts racing, are currently taking out the president. Their excitement was bizarre to absorb, frankly, but it was clear as day. They’re seconds away from sending Obama to hell. And nothing could ever be sweeter to a self-fellating, America-despising dumb cousin like Roger.

And to further speak of stupid, Breitbart and co. piled on with more posts. And failed, again:

Obama’s Lit Agency Used ‘Born in Kenya’ Bio Until 2007

According to archive.org, a website that caches websites on a regular basis, the Dystel.com website – the official website for Dystel & Goderich, Obama’s literary agents – was using the Barack Obama “born in Kenya” language until April 2007, just two months after then-Senator Obama declared his campaign for the presidency.

Why would a genius use his “Lit Agency” to propagate a writerly Kenyan farce but forget until long after he’s announced his candidacy to orchestrate a political one? You guys are saying he’s facile with identity politics, but there’s no grift bigger than being “American” to run for U.S. President. You are disastrous clowns.

There’s something going on here. I’m not sure what it is, but it isn’t good. Right-wingers run off the rails routinely, I know, so why should I even care? I don’t really know, I guess I’m just mentioning it — something bad is happening.

A Breitbart.com non-story broke today on the newly Harvard-graduated Barack Obama’s old literary agency, Acton & Dystel. In 1991, A&D published a booklet on the agency’s authors. In it, they mistakenly claimed the 29 year-old was born in Africa:

Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii. The son of an American anthropologist and a Kenyan finance minister, he attended Columbia University and worked as a financial journalist and editor for Business International Corporation.

I cannot imagine a glitch more trivial. A woman from the old A&D tells Political Wire:

You’re undoubtedly aware of the brouhaha stirred up by Breitbart about the erroneous statement in a client list Acton & Dystel published in 1991 (for circulation within the publishing industry only) that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. This was nothing more than a fact checking error by me — an agency assistant at the time. There was never any information given to us by Obama in any of his correspondence or other communications suggesting in any way that he was born in Kenya and not Hawaii. I hope you can communicate to your readers that this was a simple mistake and nothing more.

Neither the truth nor the paltry significance matters. What’s important is that conservatives are finishing this President. He’s disappearing from the planet.

The end begins with breathlessness and hints of ecstasy. An historic political death has begun, just now, and everyone seems to know it. The Hill tried to remain calm, but they have responsibilities you see. When there’s a legitimate “report” of the President being born elsewhere, which makes him an historic liar, which ends his career and administration, throwing the world’s most powerful country into an enormous crisis, they have to write something:

New report of Obama’s birth in Kenya
By Bernie Quigley – 05/17/12 04:18 PM ET

Headline on Drudge this afternoon: “Obama Lit Agent Shocker: ‘Born in Kenya and Raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.’ ” It links to a story in Breitbart showing a full photo of President Obama in a brochure by Acton & Dystel, said to be a literary agency, printed in 1991. Beneath Obama’s picture it states: “Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.” The brochure was advancing a book, apparently by Obama, titled Journeys in Black and White.

. . And Elizabeth Warren thought she had problems. My first guess is that if the brochure is legitimate, the then-unknown Obama was tailoring a perhaps fanciful literary persona to make a larger impression. There is as yet no other evidence available that he was actually born in Kenya.

There is as yet no other evidence available that he was actually born in Kenya. No other evidence than this old industry booklet, which counts for a Nairobi tribunal. Let’s remain straight about that, now this:

Even if this was the case and the brochure went out with Obama’s approval, it would diminish his cachet and credibility. But of course if it is true, it would force Obama to leave the presidency.

Visualize a President Joe Biden.

President Biden of Delaware. Somebody please kill him too, thanks (that was close). Reality-wise, there are no other possibilities for this “Kenya,” as these bio details could not be mistaken. And nobody was involved in the publishing of the description, so there’s no way to ask anybody at all about the truth of any of this, and that’s unfortunate. So Barack has to die. That’s journalism.

Wasn’t Roger Simon psychic, or what? Yesterday, when something big was in the air, he asked “Is Obama Imploding?” As if he didn’t know:

. . Obama is about to implode. The signs are everywhere, including the just released North Carolina poll showing Romney in the lead by eight percent in a state Obama won narrowly in 2008.

It is becoming okay not to like Barack Obama.

The Teflon cloak of being a cool, hip black guy, our first African-American president, is losing its power.

Roger today:

We have always branded Bill Clinton a liar . . But the amazing scoop by Breitbart.com today makes Obama one up on Bill. . . as the author of 11 books, I can say that in EVERY instance that I have been published, I have seen such material in advance. It could be that Obama is the exception, but that is highly unlikely.

In other words, we have in the White House a man willing to bend his national identity for profit.

When the Facebook guy does it, hail a hero. When the President does not do it, he’s a “Pathological Liar.” Roger, at least, is not ending the Barack tenure because he’s a foreigner, but because he’s uncool. A greedy, manipulating, lying son-of-a-bitch who’s comeuppance has finally come. Way too goddamned late, frankly.

I will be interviewing Jack Cashill. Some time ago, Mr. Cashill wrote for the American Thinker that Bill Ayers wrote or rewrote Dreams From My Father, the Obama “memoir” that is at issue here. It will be interesting to see what Mr. Cashill has to say on PJTV, because this new revelation from Breitbart adds great credence to his theory.

He’s un-American or a liar, and either way it means Ayers wrote Obama’s autobiography. Surely that’s enough to impeach the slimy bastard. There’s a pretty big line forming at the Senate, though, and Roger’s been running on adrenalin for hours and probably could use a snack. Take five, asshole.

I can hardly recall so many people so sure they were about to destroy a president. They’re so very giddy about it. Because of nothing. Look for the revolution bat signal, I think.

The Obama “Birther” Bombshell Has Finally Arrived
by Myra Adams

Breitbart reports and Drudge is headlining a potential bombshell.

The Vetting – Exclusive – Obama’s Literary Agent in 1991 Booklet: ‘Born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii’

It is only May. Can you imagine what the October presidential campaign will look like?

I’m a little scared, actually.

Jason Horowitz writes about Romney’s high school years at tony Cranbrook School in Bloomfield Hills. We learn that Willard was once a gay bully.

. . he spotted something he thought did not belong at a school where the boys wore ties and carried briefcases. John Lauber, a soft-spoken new student one year behind Romney, was perpetually teased for his nonconformity and presumed homosexuality. Now he was walking around the all-boys school with bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye, and Romney wasn’t having it.

After he organized a posse to tackle the fay, Mitt cut off the damned blondness. Everyone else who participated in the bullying feels bad about it, but the candidate can’t even remember it:

His campaign spokeswoman, Andrea Saul, said in a statement that “anyone who knows Mitt Romney knows that he doesn’t have a mean-spirited bone in his body. The stories of fifty years ago seem exaggerated and off base and Governor Romney has no memory of participating in these incidents.”

Enough of your tales of cruelty, partisans. Everyone knows he’s not that sort of guy. Hold up, this just in:

Mitt Romney said Thursday that “back in high school I did some dumb things” but insisted that the prep school pranks chronicled in a news story were never intended to target gay students specifically.

“They talked about the fact that I played a lot of pranks in high school, and they described some that, boy, you just say to yourself, ‘Back in high school,’ you know, ‘I did some dumb things.’ If anyone was hurt by that or offended by that, obviously, I apologize. But overall, high school years were a long time ago . .”

So Romney does have “a mean spirited bone in his body.” Oops. The winger scrambling had already gone ant-like and map-wide before Mitt admitted to assaulting the poor kid. One wonders just how everyone will handle the new truth. Gawd knows they were already doing a piss-poor job of bailing the candidate out in the hours before this.

Jim Geraghty at National Review: “New Bright Shiny Object Enters Presidential Campaign Debate”. Somebody needs to give Jim a refresher course in propaganda.

But it is a fascinatingly convenient coincidence for the Obama campaign.

Romney said he does not recall the 1965 incident . . [cut/paste] . .

The bullying victim in the story died in 2004.

Jim barely sat down before Rich Lowry slapped the back of his head. You don’t admit it was bullying, fool. And you certainly don’t remind everyone the victim is dead. Sympathy? Heard of it? Jim’s post, 89 words of his own and 84 of the Washington Post’s, then got an update. This new opinion of Jim’s, skeptical and derisive, was a 371 word footnote to the original:

. . it is fascinating that an alleged assault, with many witnesses, generated no reports to authority or discipline at a school where smoking a cigarette is sufficient to get a student thrown out of school. If the victim’s hair was such a topic of attention and conversation, it is impossible no one noticed his hair had been cut.

However, it is possible that Jim can’t remember how gays were once treated, or how they’re treated in much of the United States today. The NR prides itself on its sentient writers, whoever they may be. Darleen Click at Protein Wisdom, “Praetorian WaPo: Romney not better than Jesus.” If this makes no sense to you, you’re with me. See if this helps:

… OOooooOOOoooo! Troubling! Not just any long-haired non-conformist, but a presumed gay kid! In 1965!!

Now the peroxide student is a long-haired non-conformist. I suppose bleaching your hair near Mitt Romney makes you some sort of asshole, and Darlene’s just stating the obvious.

At least when Jesus tossed the money changers out of the temple, they weren’t presumed homosexuals.

If they’d been cakey, think of how much worse! Good on Mitt for his Biblical style. Pro-fess-or Le-gal-donk: “Your mainstream media at work – Romney teased someone in high school in 1965.” Gootchy goo, fags:

I once participated in a group which gave someone a wedgie when I was at summer camp in the 1960s. That’s why I’ll never run for President, my record is stained.

If you were 18 years old, like Mitt was, and organized a group of your peers to tackle a queer and cut his BVDs off, you’d have a serious problem, Pro-fess-or. Laws and such, dude.

Now about that Obama trip to Pakistan and his 20 years in Jeremiah Wright’s church … bigot, racist, Islamophobe, wingnut.

Pro-fess-or and Mittens are the exact same sort of victimized conservatives, aka ‘American Studs.’ Go prove it, pal — grab some scissors and tackle the first twinkle toes you see. See you in court, de-fen-dant. Ed Morrissey: “Cutting-edge reporting from WaPo: Let’s take an in-depth look at … Romney’s cruel high-school pranks.”

Despite demonstrating zero curiosity over Barack Obama’s college transcripts to check on just how brilliant the academic actually was, the Post now has a big expose on Mitt Romney’s high school career as … a practical joker:

When a young man is left crying and screaming for help, the “prank” counts neither for practical nor joking. But at least Ed has the right idea, lying and then changing the subject. What about grades? What about this?

Here’s something that happened in the last three years:

Jesus Christ! It’s the seasonally adjusted civilian labor force participation rate in four-month increments! What a vicious 2% socialist wilding across three years. If that don’t make you wanna tackle this Barack feller and shave his head, well, then.

Jason Horowitz at WaPo digs into Mitt Romney’s teenage years as a student at prosperous Bloomfield Hills’ Cranbrook School. It will not surprise you that Willard wasn’t much of a jock, but he was a joker. He loved to entertain his buddies.

But Friedemann and several people closest to Romney in those formative years say there was a sharp edge to him. In an English class, Gary Hummel, who was a closeted gay student at the time, recalled that his efforts to speak out in class were punctuated with Romney shouting, “Atta girl!”

And worse. The piece begins by recounting an attack that Willard led upon another student, John Lauber. Lauber had the nerve to bleach his hair.

“He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!” an incensed Romney told Matthew Friedemann, his close friend in the Stevens Hall dorm, according to Friedemann’s recollection. Mitt, the teenaged son of Michigan Gov. George Romney, kept complaining about Lauber’s look, Friedemann recalled.

So the Governor’s son did something about it:

. . Friedemann entered Stevens Hall off the school’s collegiate quad to find Romney marching out of his own room ahead of a prep school posse shouting about their plan to cut Lauber’s hair. Friedemann followed them to a nearby room where they came upon Lauber, tackled him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors.

It was a troubling incident. For the bullies, now in their sixties, it’s a bad memory.

The incident was recalled similarly by five students, who gave their accounts independently of one another. Four of them — Friedemann, now a dentist; Phillip Maxwell, a lawyer; Thomas Buford, a retired prosecutor; and David Seed, a retired principal — spoke on the record. Another former student who witnessed the incident asked not to be named. The men have differing political affiliations, although they mostly lean Democratic. Buford volunteered for Barack Obama’s campaign in 2008. Seed, a registered independent, has served as a Republican county chairman in Michigan. All of them said that politics in no way colored their recollections.

“It happened very quickly, and to this day it troubles me,” said Buford, the school’s wrestling champion, who said he joined Romney in restraining Lauber. Buford subsequently apologized to Lauber, who was “terrified,” he said. “What a senseless, stupid, idiotic thing to do.”

“It was a hack job,” recalled Maxwell, a childhood friend of Romney who was in the dorm room when the incident occurred. “It was vicious.”

“He was just easy pickins,” said Friedemann, then the student prefect, or student authority leader of Stevens Hall, expressing remorse about his failure to stop it.

Except for the guy with the scissors:

His campaign spokeswoman, Andrea Saul, said in a statement that “anyone who knows Mitt Romney knows that he doesn’t have a mean-spirited bone in his body. The stories of fifty years ago seem exaggerated and off base and Governor Romney has no memory of participating in these incidents.”