The Lone Star state is a place where mouth breathing rates an intellectual pastime. Ask a Texan and he’ll say, or wisely indicate, through maritime eye shuttering, tribal buckle bouncing and sinusoidal hunhh-hunhh simian-nasing, that for one of us to spend an afternoon reading Thus Spake Zarathustra while attending a quantum interference conference (so played) it demonstrates the mental firepower equivalent to Representative Steve Stockman exchanging oxygen over a saliva puddle in a pasture, with a blistered tongue.

Right now Jodi Arias is regretting not killing an ambassador or Philadelphia infant.

— Rep. Steve Stockman (@SteveWorks4You) May 8, 2013

Totally. Jodi wishes she were a militia member scurrying across north African and Arab borders to elude an angry superpower adept at silent assassinations. Or that she were the doctor-butcher about to be convicted of a host of crimes and to spend the rest of his life in jail, all the while being reviled as the literal Satan.

You get Stockman’s point, though: The liberal media really really like this woman.

What a barn full of hoot owls. What a yard of dumb cows. I’ve been reading the just-released 2012 Texas State Republican Party Platform. How green do you like your pasture patties, friends? Where to begin?

Let’s say we start with “PRESERVING AMERICAN FREEDOM.” That’s as good a joke as anything else in the routine. You know what chaps the hide of Texas lovers of liberty? Can you guess? Article V of the Constitution.

Constitutional Convention – We strongly oppose any constitutional convention to rewrite the United States Constitution. We encourage the Legislature to rescind its 1977 call for such a convention. We call upon other states to rescind their votes for such a convention.

The Constitution is sacred, after all. So screw it. This is the logic of simple, traditional folks. Folks proud to defend the damned thing they can no longer abide:

Federal Tax Reform – We recommend repeal of the Sixteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, with the goal of abolishing the I.R.S and replacing it with a national sales tax collected by the States.

That needs to be done immediately. If only there were some way. More AMERICA:

Reparations – We oppose any form of reparation.

Screw you Japanese Americans interned in World War Two. Eff you Indians dragged across the Trail of Tears. American slaves, islanders of Bikini, whatever. You snooze, you die, you lose. Ha ha, freedom.

Banning the Use of Red Light Cameras – We oppose the manner in which alleged vehicle violations are documented and fines levied against individuals without proof of their having been the driver of the offending vehicle and we call for the ban on Red Light Cameras in the State of Texas.

Serious shit people.

Livestock and Pet Locations – We oppose a mandatory animal identification system.

Stick a chip in a steer’s neck? Next thing you know, there’s one in mine. No way, comrade.

Smart Meters – We oppose the mandated use of Smart Meters as well as the use of collected data to reduce freedoms of U.S. citizens.

You’re not putting one of those doohickeys in my electrical box. You can’t stick me in a concentration camp. See how Texas loves science and technology?

Unelected, Appointed Bureaucrats (Czars) – We decry the appointment of unelected bureaucrats, and we urge Congress to use their constitutional authority to defund and abolish these positions and return authority to duly elected officials, accountable to the electorate.

There are thousands upon thousands of bureaucrats in the Executive Branch of our government. A total of two of them are elected (see if you can guess which ones). So this policy would streamline the government, quickly. To the point of ending it. Loose facts: Number of Czars under Clinton? 8. Under George W.? 33. Do you remember who was the former Czar of Domestic Policy, 2004-2006? Karl Rove of course. This is why Barack Obama will face impeachment, soon.

There are too many nuclear cuckoo things in here to even begin covering it properly. This is only the first section of the first part. Laws that the platform eventually calls to repeal? The War Powers Act, Affordable Healthcare Act, Endangered Species Act, Voting Rights Act of 1965, McCain-Feingold, Sarbanes-Oxley, Dodd-Frank, Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Law, Federal Reserve Act of 1913, Community Reinvestment Act, all hate crimes laws, virtually all taxes on anything, all minimum wage laws, and whatever established the Texas State Lottery. Get your jollies reading the crap for yourself.

Also, get the freaking government out of raw milk:

Unprocessed Foods ― We support the availability of natural, unprocessed foods, including, but not limited to, the right to access raw milk.

Have fun, Texas, killing your kids with teeming doses of Salmonella and E. coli. Morons.

Say, how does Texas feel about the Trayvon Martin tragedy? I have no idea. Seems like they’ve been awfully quiet. Everybody’s probably deep in thought — yeah, that must be it. Maybe we should ask somebody? We should probably ask.

Around the University of Texas community, the hunger for news gets fed by The Daily Texan. Yesterday, their resident cartoonist, Stephanie Eisner, weighed in this way:



Well, there goes a mystifying melange of semiotics. Or, what? Using my sick forensic skills, I highlighted a few cryptic details you might have missed.

Here’s a rendering of the shooter:




And, if you squint, you can just see Martin:






Whew. Until now, America had absolutely no idea. I assume the investigative journalism arm of the Texan is a pack of bloodhounds. Racist yahoo bloodhounds.


ADD: Cartoonist Stephanie Eisner reacts to all the attention . .

“I apologize for what was in hindsight an ambiguous cartoon related to the Trayvon Martin shooting. I intended to contribute thoughtful commentary on the media coverage of the incident, however this goal fell flat. I would like to make it explicitly clear that I am not a racist, and that I am personally appalled by the killing of Trayvon Martin. I regret any pain the wording or message of my cartoon may have caused.”

See? She’s not some dirt-stupid Texas cracker with a pocket full of pencils and a Rickster-autographed map of “N*ggerhead Ranch.” She’s a thoughtful political satirist who only wanted to broaden the discourse by yelling “COLORED BOY!!” If you can’t understand that, everything’s on you. Speaking of broad commentary (yeehoo!), this is pretty sophisticated stuff:

The satirical K.O.: “Save ALL the tatas.” Pfft, who needs those? Eisner demonstrates impressive talents. Obvious “facillities.”

. . Harwell Middle School opened just this year on the rural property northeast of Edinburg, which is about 50 miles northwest of Brownsville. Homes line the road approaching the school, but open fields stretch out behind it and to the north.

So what’ll it be: hunting or children? You can’t have both in the same place, Texas. Someone should have mentioned this earlier . .

EDINBURG, Texas — Three deer hunters suspected of possibly firing the shots that wounded two South Texas middle school students were taken in for questioning . .

Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Trevino told The Associated Press that authorities have theorized that the students were hit by “errant or stray bullets” fired from hunting pastures near the middle school, which was hosting outdoor tryouts for the basketball team . .

Even if accidental, investigators will want to know how close the shooters were to the school when they opened fire. Trevino said two hunting pastures are within 600 yards of the school.

A 30.06 will take down deer at 600 yards. Y’all didn’t think this would be a problem?

One was in critical condition Monday night with a gunshot wound in in the back and a bullet embedded in an organ, while the other was in stable condition with a gunshot wound to the armpit, Trevino said.

A society’s priorities are sacred. The school’s gotta go.

JUST! READ! THE! LABEL!

‘The label, Bob?’

So simple: lather, stimulus, rinse, failure. Then repeat.

‘Wha — WOW. What is it?’

It’s Texas Brain Proxy, Carol. Why . . you’re soaking in it.

‘SOCIALISM! Hey, it really works.’

Take a look at Rick Perry, Carol. Wouldn’t you just love to know his secret?

“[Obama] had $800 billion worth of stimulus in the first round of stimulus. It created zero jobs, $400-plus billion dollars in this package. And I can do the math on that one. Half of zero jobs is going to be zero jobs.”

‘It’s Texas Brain Proxy!’

Right you are! Get rid of those tiresome accuracies cluttering up your veritas gutters and truth canals. A little dab of Proxy, and say goodbye to the tired old days of. .

. . let’s take a look at stimulus spending in Texas using that state’s own website . . It received more than $250 million for construction work on schools but that work was apparently done by ghosts.

Texas received $160 million for construction work on water treatment facilities, $326 million for weatherization projects, almost $600 million for low income housing projects; apparently, all the work done on all of those projects was done by no one at all. There was $25 million to update HVAC systems in public schools, which somehow managed to get done without employing a single person. Not a single person was employed to do any of those things, which is pretty incredible when you think about it.

‘Izzat really true? Thinks make brain hurt.’

You could use a little TBP, Carol. Open wide . . and mmmmm. What do you say?

‘MMMMM. Cash kills railroads and tunnels!’

The MAGIC of Proxy . .

‘Hooray! Teachers sex weasels! Bees make bridges! I can’t stop, Bob . . ‘

Why should you?

‘The stimulus needed tax cuts . . no, it was loaded with hundreds of billions in tax cuts. That’s how Republicans stopped it from being a job-killing . . oooOOWWWWWwww . .’

[sound effect:]

‘ . . wwwhuh? What was that?’

Freedom.

‘FREEDOM!’

Freedom! Ptew!

Woo-hoo, missileers. Don’t nobody mess with a Texas prissy like Rick.

As America bids farewell to the space shuttle era on Thursday, likely presidential candidate Rick Perry appears none too pleased with the Obama administration, accusing the president of “leaving American astronauts with no alternative but to hitchhike into space.”

In a sharply worded statement issued by the governor of Texas — the state is home to the Johnson Space Center — Perry charges that the Obama Administration “continues to lead federal agencies and programs astray, this time forcing NASA away from its original purpose of space exploration, and ignoring its groundbreaking past and enormous future potential.”

Quote:

. . we will return the Space Shuttle to flight as soon as possible, consistent with safety concerns and the recommendations of the Columbia Accident Investigation Board. The Shuttle’s chief purpose over the next several years will be to help finish assembly of the International Space Station. In 2010, the Space Shuttle — after nearly 30 years of duty — will be retired from service.

So the shuttle got retired this week. Not that President George W. Bush cares any more.

Louie Gohmert. Witness him weave his way from Obama on the ’08 campaign trail, through the number of states in the OIC, past Egypt and the Muslim Brotherhood, to stumble upon “people who wants to destroy our country.”

Is he really that stoopid? Or drunk? Yes. I am reminded of his comments, two years ago, on The Great Cats And Rare Canids Act. It provided money to countries making efforts to preserve their endangered species. He complained:

We are still borrowing money from the Chinese. And, once again, the irony here is incredible. We are going to borrow more money from the Chinese to possibly give them money back to create habitats for wild dogs and cats that are rare.

There is no assurance that if we did that we wouldn’t end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan. There is no way to assure that money will not be wasted when it’s sent to foreign countries.

Throw away perfectly good Moo Shoo Bark? Never.

Some people in Texas are assholes.

TX Teacher Suspended After Telling Muslim Student ‘I Bet You’re Grieving’
Evan McMorris-Santoro | May 4, 2011

A Texas high school teacher has been placed on administrative leave following an incident where he allegedly told a 9th grade Muslim girl in his algebra class “I bet that you’re grieving” on Monday following the death of Osama bin Laden.

According to one parent at Clear Brook High School in Houston who spoke about the incident to a local ABC affiliate, the teacher also said, “I heard about your uncle’s death.”

So you beat up a little on a 15 year old girl who probably looks up to you — so what? Sometimes you just need a little goose to get through the day. And the Muslim girl was sitting right there. C’mon! When’s the next time you’ll ever get the chance, right? Perfect.

“The student ended up crying over what was said to her by the teacher and the teacher asked her why she was crying and another student said it was because of what you said earlier,” the [anonymous] parent told the station. “And his response was, oh, OK, and just kind of smirked and giggled and walked away.”

Have you heard the crap these kids say? Well, have you? Oh, I see, I get it — the little idiots can say whatever they like. But me? Oh no. Inside the classroom, they hang on every word, but outside, it’s ‘you gotta shut up, mister.’ Real fair. Sheesh.

There goes a naked politician. Gohmert’s now caught in a stinking, lumbering lie. Might as well take his embarrassment out on Anderson Cooper.

He apparently thinks that if something could be true, then what’s the diff? No one likes a terrorist, so what does it matter if Louie’s a liar? Sheesh, Anderson.

And the ‘controversy‘ ends.

Does it matter if a politician tells an outrageous, howling lie? Of course it does, it could end his or her career.

Does it matter if a lunatic Republican tells an outrageous lie? Yes it does — how else are they gonna get TV time and fire up the base? Hell, the truth won’t do that for the wingnuts, that stuff is BORING.

Hilarious, screeching lying is the feed of fear farmers, and there’s plenty here. And the biggest bull-milker would be Louie Gohmert.

Reported on June 27, Gohmert (R–TX, of course) took to the House floor, saying that he talked to a retired FBI agent who knew of terrorists bringing in pregnant women to have children here so that the kids would have American citizenship. Then they’d return home, train the kids to be terrorists, and then send the grown-up anti-American murderers back to the states to “destroy our way of life.”

And thus was born the “Terror Babies!” knee-slapper. Sensing a good thing — volcanic bugshit — Gohmert was happy to flog it again, about a week later. But this time, with a twist.

Appearing on Fox Business Channel (?), he trotted out his “Terror Babies!” again. But, oddly, he now had a completely different source for the shocking revelation: someone he personally knew heard about it first hand. From the grandmother of two of the Terror Babies.

You see, as Gohmert and his people were flying to the Middle East on a passenger plane, one of them, just minding his own business, had the woman sitting next to him inexplicably detail the whole thing. Turns out it’s a program being run by Hamas.

Grandma married into Hamas, her son-in-law is Hamas, and she simply had to tell the stranger sitting next to her how they assured the babies’ citizenships by flying her pregnant daughter to HAmerica. Now, some day, you can bet she’ll send them back to, you know, murder us all.

This is some serious stuff. Serious enough that, some day, the bullcrap may sprout legs and walk out of Texas. Just not this week.

Texas State Rep. Debbie Riddle has some shocking news for Anderson Cooper: here come the “Terror Babies!”

COOPER: Representative Riddle, you told my producer that pregnant women are coming here as tourists, having babies, and then going back home — quote — “with the nefarious purpose of turning them into little terrorists, who will then come back to the U.S. and do us harm.” You said it’s part of an organized terrorist element and could cost us lives. Where did you hear that?

RIDDLE: Uh, that is information that is coming to my office from former FBI officials.

WOAH — she’s got Gohmert beat. Her office has talked to several FBI guys.

COOPER: But you have no actual evidence?

RIDDLE: Other than that coming from former FBI folks.

COOPER: Can you tell us who these former FBI folks are, and what evidence they have or what evidence they’ve shown you?

RIDDLE: At this point, uh, I’m not going to reveal that.

Come on, Anderson. Do you expect her to tell you she howls at the moon?

Laredo, Texas, wiped off the map by a Mexican drug cartel! Ranchers dragged out of their homes! Shot! Slugged! Slapped! Gutted and wrapped in foil! Grilled with salt and lemon!

Digger’s Realm
BREAKING: Multiple Ranches In Laredo, TX Taken Over By Los Zetas
By Digger / July 24, 2010 04:11 AM

The bloodbath continues along our southern border and now word is coming in that Los Zetas, the highly trained killers formerly with the Gulf Cartel, have crossed into the United States and taken over at least two ranches in the Laredo, Texas area. I am receiving word that the owners of the ranches have evacuated without being harmed. The source is law enforcement in the area.

(Update 2 story is now 100% confirmed by second source within the Laredo Police Department)

Founder of the San Diego Minutemen Jeff Schwilk tipped me off to this story and passes along the following information on the location. The ranches are said to be “near Mines Rd. and Minerales Annex Rd about 10 miles NW of I-35″.

I’m sure the Minutemen aren’t given to panic! Especially over incendiary stories about border violence! By all means, let’s listen to an honest man like Jeff!

There is currently a standoff between the unknown size Zeta forces and U.S. Border Patrol and local law enforcement on two ranches on our side of the Rio Grande. The source tells us he considers this an “act of war” and that the military is needed on the border now!

AAAAUUUGGHHH! I’M SCARED! AND PATRIOTIC!

Anonymous sources in law enforcement in the Laredo area tonight have passed on word that US law enforcement agencies are in the area and are weighing their options regarding the ranches.

THEY”RE SCARED TOO! YIKES! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

The media has been silent on this incident and some law enforcement in the area says that they are furious that the media is not reporting the whole story of the continued violence along the border. Their frustrations are understandable because keeping the truth suppressed continues to hamper law enforcement from receiving the true support they need along the border.

TRUTH COMING! HELP ON THE WAY! YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS!

“Starting to smell like a hoax.”

*sniff* *sniff* I don’t smell anything.

As far as a hoax, that is a willfully done falsity. Why would I sacrifice my 8 year old website and any benefit I can provide the issue I have dedicated my life to on a fake story?

SEE ABOVE!

As for the mud slinging, sling away. I have put my name on the line, you have put an anonymous moniker on the line. As a reader I would put my faith in the veteran blogger of 8 years, with a proven track record, rather than some commenter who just showed up a few hours ago.

I stand by the story. You obviously have not read what a media blackout entails.

WHAT? IT’S A BLACK OUT! IT’S BLACKED OUT!

Here is another source claiming that authorities in Laredo will not confirm or deny.

VERY BLACK! GOOD REPORTING!

Hector Garcia , a city council member of the City of Laredo TX, has returned my phone call and aboslutely denied that any armed conflict has occured with the Laredo PD. He is quoting the Chief of Police, Carlos Maldonado. Mr Garcia went on to say that it appears two ranchers had a disagreement.

I STILL SAY SOMETHING”S WRONG!

Is this really happening? Probably not (despite the upsurge in violence just over the border), but what’s even scarier than the heavily armed Zetas is that stories like this have become difficult to confirm or refute.

WHY DIDN”T WE KNOW? IT’S SO FISHY! I AM SCARED AGAIN!

We know that the establishment media places supporting Obama far ahead of informing the public. But as for whether a blanket of silence has been thrown over a military incursion — in the short term, we can only guess.

UNLESS THEY BLACK OUT THE BLACK OUT! THEN WE’LL NEVER KNOW! EXCEPT FOR I JUST MENTIONED IT! HOLY CRAP, I JUST BEAT THE BLACK OUT! WELL TECHNICALLY IT’S THE ‘BLACK OUT’ BLACK OOT! WHOA LOOK AT THAT TYPO! STARTING TO FREAK HERE! I KNEW — wait, now it’s a ‘military incursion’?

In a totalitarian state, rumors supplant news. We’re not there yet, but we can see it from here.

WE MADE IT UP! THAT PROVES OBAMA’S A FASCIST! IMPEACHMENT!

Onward Christian . . bus drivers?

Don’t laugh, they’re dead serious about this lawsuit. They are striking a real blow for ‘religious freedom.’ From their perspective, a Christian bus jockey reserves the right to refuse service to anyone they figure out is about to receive an abortion courtesy of their driving.

What? Yeah:

Bus driver claims abortion views led to his firing
By Steven Kreytak | Friday, July 16, 2010, 10:20 AM

A former bus driver has sued the Capital Area Rural Transportation System, charging that the nine-county transit service discriminated against him based on his religion when he was fired for refusing to drive a woman to a Planned Parenthood clinic in January.

Edwin Graning, who was hired as a driver on April 1, 2009, was “concerned that he might be transporting a client to undergo an abortion” when he was assigned to transport two women to Planned Parenthood, according to his lawsuit, filed this week in U.S. District Court in Austin.

Graning is seeking re-instatement, back pay and undisclosed damages for pain, suffering and emotion distress. He is represented by lawyers from the American Center for Law & Justice, founded by evangelical Christian leader Pat Robertson.

He was hired to drive people on the bus. When he refused to do it, he got fired. So he’s suing because he should have the right to quit his job but keep getting paid because he’s a Christian. Don’t know, maybe the issues escape me.

Graning had asked his wife to call the facility; she heard a recording directing callers to call 911 in case of abortion complications. “I said, dear God in heaven, this woman’s gonna have an abortion,” he said.

So he refused to drive the bus there.

His supervisor, who is not named, responded by saying “Then you are resigning,” the suit said.

Graning denied he was resigning and was later told to drive his bus back to the yard and he was fired, the lawsuit said.

So he ain’t exactly Dr. King. He’s not willing to accept the responsibilities and consequences of his actions — ‘yes I’m refusing to do my job because of my beliefs, and don’t you dare touch me.’

Therein lies the rub. Graning is another victim of Robertson and other high-profile pastors who have been pushing the flock to throw tantrums. They’re convincing normal folks to turn into big-headed, pig-headed Christianists who should press Americans to do their will.

Why — even though the Constitution clearly supports personal freedom and abhors the abuses of power that come with religious extremism? Because it’s your Constitutional right, people! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want because it’s your religion. This is the sort of behavior the Founding Fathers, wholly conservative Men of Jesus, would have demanded of them if only they were still around, sure.

When they spoke of freedom, they really meant Christian freedom. When they spoke of rights, they meant Christian rights. And if, legally, some liberal opens up the interpretation to outsiders, just know that the Founding Fathers were all conservative evangelicals and *wink-wink* I don’t need to say another word, do I?

This is the utterly laughable fantasy that’s been leveled like a double-barrel shotgun at ordinary folks like Ed Graning. He’s fallen for it completely.

“I’m not out for revenge or anything like that,” said Graning, who said he felt obligated to stand up for his beliefs.

“I pastored years ago, and I’ve done a lot of things – and normally I wouldn’t have made any issue out of this – but you know, I’m really getting tired of Christians getting kicked around,” he told LSN. “I mean, we see other things as going on in this country, and somebody somewhere along the line is just got to quit bending the knee to Baal and letting this government run over us.”

So, to be clear: applying for, getting and carrying out the responsibilities of the government job of bus driver, a job Ed got without telling his superiors that certain situations would force him to refuse service to riders as a matter of religious belief, is “letting the government run over” him. Never mind that very few people go to Planned Parenthood on any given day to get an abortion, and he certainly had no clue why the woman went there, Ed’s “getting tired of Christians getting kicked around.”

Rational thought, logic, science and technology, modern philosophy, the legacies of the Age of Enlightenment — these things are not essential. Not universal, not cultural, not American, any more than your haircut is. They are the private beliefs of the secular humanists who hold too much sway in the public domain. It’s time for Christians’ private beliefs, Christianity, to eject that pop culturalism and to hold unilateral power.

Freedom, you say? Freedom isn’t some government stab at public transportation. Real freedom is about the practice of closely-held religious beliefs. A government serious about operating in a free society wouldn’t provide buses for the profane to trample those sacred tenets. Get it?