Iran’s English language TV channel, Press TV, is concerned about the Sandy Hook shootings. Sure. They convene a panel of Americans to talk about why the tragedy happened and what can be done to prevent it from happening again.

Republican Mike Harris appears on the show. And why not? He’s a former candidate for Arizona Governor and one-time GOP campaign finance chairman. Who better than him to talk about America and its politics?

So the host asks Mike about the Second Amendment, and Mike declares that every citizen has the right to own a gun. Then he reveals who’s really behind the mass killings breaking out across our country:

We have had a Zionist-controlled Hollywood, a Zionist-controlled news media that is the conduit to all of this violence, this imagery, into every home in America. And so you wonder why there is a culture of violence? It is because it comes from the Jews in Hollywood. That is where the conduit of violence comes from. That is the source of it . .

. . You have to realize Israel has been operating death squads in the United States now since Gabrielle Giffords and Judge Roll were shot in Tucson. There’s been other incidences, the Aurora Colorado shooting, that was again Israeli death squads operating in the US.

I don’t know, I am so disgusted with Israel and their behavior on the international stage.

Who made all those ships vanish from the Bermuda Triangle? You know who. And they’re launching an armada to force Chanukah upon Tahiti, or Borneo.

They’re here. Barack Obama trounced Mitt Romney in Maine, 56% to 41%. The counting appears to be over. The racism goes on:

Maine Republican Party Chairman Charlie Webster is once again alleging possible voting irregularities, this time claiming that groups of unknown black people showed up in some rural towns to vote on Election Day . .

“In some parts of rural Maine, there were dozens, dozens of black people who came in and voted on Election Day,” he said. “Everybody has a right to vote, but nobody in (these) towns knows anyone who’s black. How did that happen? I don’t know. We’re going to find out.”

The grizzled lobster furriers were so shocked at the sight of Night People that they called the Chairman. ‘There are black people here, Charlie.’ Charlie bolted upright, ‘WHAT?’ They repeated ‘Black people! There are blacks here!’ The sobbing, hoarse and husky, began. ‘How could it be?’ the Chairman thought.

He said his point is not that the new voters were black, but that they were not recognized by town officials.

“I’m not talking about 15 or 20. I’m talking hundreds,” he said Wednesday.

If we’re talking 107,317 black people, then Maine has a problem. Integration.

Rep. Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee:

I will say this. For workers in the auto industry, across the board, whether it is GM, whether it’s Nissan, whether it’s American Motors, individuals are very concerned about the impact of regulation that the EPA and OSHA and other federal agencies are heaping on our manufacturers.

Marsha still remembers the American Motors Corporation.

Losing your virginity in the back seat of one of their rolling rust buckets would rate a memorable experience. Seeing as how the Gremlin wasn’t popular until the mid-1970s, that striped beauty with the stainless hubs evolved a bit late to host Marsha’s heavy-petting-plus stage. A betting man would go with the regal Ambassador, which was easier on the knees.

I think that it is a testament to American ungenuity (?) that people keep moving forward to try to manufacture in this country. And EPA and government regulators are making it more and more difficult every single day. And this is what we hear from so many of our manufacturers large and small.

Speaking of American ungenuity, side-by-side with TV spots for the Gremlin you used to see ads for the diet supplement Ayds.

The little candies knocked out your hunger. I wonder where they went.

10 days left. Smart sophisticated people look at the polls and think smart thoughts:

So here’s a prospect worth contemplating: What if Romney carries the popular vote, but Obama regains the presidency by winning 270 votes or more in the electoral college?

“I think it’s a 50/50 possibility — or more,” said Mark McKinnon, who was a political strategist for President George W. Bush.

“If the election were held tomorrow, it wouldn’t just be a possibility, it would be actual,” added William A. Galston, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution . .

Oh the clownery visited upon us occasionally by the electoral college. The Founding Fathers may have been funnier than how they were painted. But this, no, is not another one of those ‘excelsior the popular vote’ posts. This is cleverer than that. This is the Washington Post:

No incumbent president seeking a second term has ever won the electoral college and lost the popular vote.

Every modern president to be reelected — Dwight D. Eisenhower, Richard M. Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Clinton, George W. Bush — has gotten a bigger share of the vote in their second bid for office than their first, and with it, a chance to claim a mandate.

A win in the electoral college that is not accompanied by one in the popular vote casts a shadow over the president and his ability to govern.

Remember how George W. Bush was hamstrung by this issue in 2001? Lost to Al Gore, won the office? Dead on arrival, he was. No I don’t remember that. So it is that incumbents only can zombify our politics. Incidentally, this has never happened before so it’s a fairly sure thing.

Gosh and golly smart people. I wish Karen Tumulty had been less cerebrum-riot-y and more look-at-the-country-y when she’d written this. There’s a bigger issue pointed out by the tight polling. All anyone had to do to see it was look at the politics clearinghouse site Memeorandum today. Here is a story by the AP:

Racial attitudes have not improved in the four years since the United States elected its first black president, an Associated Press poll finds, as a slight majority of Americans now express prejudice toward blacks whether they recognize those feelings or not . .

In all, 51 percent of Americans now express explicit anti-black attitudes, compared with 48 percent in a similar 2008 survey. When measured by an implicit racial attitudes test, the number of Americans with anti-black sentiments jumped to 56 percent, up from 49 percent during the last presidential election. In both tests, the share of Americans expressing pro-black attitudes fell . .

The AP surveys were conducted with researchers from Stanford University, the University of Michigan and NORC at the University of Chicago.

Americans are more racist now than they were in 2008. Hooray! No wonder President Spearchucker can’t kill the hapless Romneybot (*click-clack* nothing can kill Romneybot *whirr* only Romneybot can kill Romneybot *click*). The polls are this close because half of the country is insane. Responding to Romney spokesman John Sununu, who accused General Colin Powell (blah person) of being Afro-racist, here’s Larry Wilkerson in an interview with Ed Schultz:

My party, unfortunately, is the bastion of those people — not all of them, but most of them — who are still basing their positions on race.

Let me just be candid: My party is full of racists. And the real reason a considerable portion of my party wants President Obama out of the White House has nothing to do with the content of his character, nothing to do with his competence as Commander in Chief and President, and everything to do with the color of his skin. And that’s despicable.

That’s Republican Colonel Larry Wilkerson, on the Republicans. Those jerks are voting more vigorously against the Black Candidate than they are for the Man Who Stood For (insert here). Mitt would win their votes as a hologram as long as he was programmed Navajo white. And then this, the creme de la ruses:

It’s the birth of Barack Obama! Probably the pranksters should not have casted Big Jim Slade in the starring role, probably. But there are explanations. We know this because someone asked:

–Well, that baby is massive. It looks like it’s at least a year old.

Babies are born heavy all the time. I see no issue with that. And I assure you, most of the general public has no idea how big infants are in Kenya.

–What?

You might think the US is a fat society, but in Kenya they are born big and then they become light. Which is evidenced by the fact that today, Obama is really light and fit. That’s just the way it is.

That makes sense. Now if he could tell us why the tad Obama keeps flicking cigarette ashes from his beard. We wonder. Why he’s wearing a houndstooth jacket and a fez, reading Kerouac and slugging a bottle of absinthe, we’re curious to know. If the fool over there—> hadn’t blown the con with his multiple production tells, he’d probably have had a million people in the streets calling for grown Obama’s resignation. Does anyone doubt that?

And it’s not like the rural rubes are the only trogs. The congressional Republicans have repeatedly called him a communist and Marxist and terrorist and death on two legs. Have opposed every proposal he brought to the table, particularly if they themselves proposed it first. Screamed “You lie!” while he tried to speak to them. Filibustered the legislation he supported more than three hundred sixty times, a record. They don’t like him? They’d like to abolish even the memory of an Obama.

Karen Tumulty should open her eyes. It’s very neat and swell to opine about a hobbled presidency on the horizon. But this one was dented by racism from the start. With polling in the swing states currently running in the President’s favor, it brings up the likelihood that Obama will win. Hence the trolls will gnash their fangs, and they’ll jam a burning cross in the wheels of Congress, again, and clever Karen will say “I told you so.”

PIERS MORGAN: Colin Powell has decided to opt for President Obama again despite apparently still being a Republican. Is it time he left the party, do you think?

JOHN SUNUNU: . . frankly, when you take a look at Colin Powell, you have to wonder whether that’s an endorsement based on issues or whether he’s got a slightly different reason for preferring President Obama.

Sununu points out that we have only Powell’s endorsement to consider, which is unfair. John thinks we might ignore his decision and turn our attention elsewhere. We might consider Colin Powell himself. I mean, who is this guy anyway? If we all had a photograph of him, or a charcoal sketch, we could “take a look at” the guy. Maybe then we would learn something.

MORGAN: What reason would that be?

SUNUNU: Well, I think that when you have somebody of your own race that you’re proud of being President of the United States — I applaud Colin for standing with him.

He’s like the President in being of a rare and different race. That’s why the General isn’t interested in foreign policy or the war in Afghanistan. He’s unconcerned with the complexities of politics and such. Can you blame him? Of course not. Like Governor Sununu, I only applaud Colin Powell for his racism. It’s okay, black people are like that.

April 7th, 2009. The Office of Intelligence and Analysis for the Department of Homeland Security releases [pdf] an assessment of homegrown extremist threats.

This product is one of a series of intelligence assessments published by the Extremism and Radicalization Branch to facilitate a greater understanding of the phenomenon of violent radicalization in the United States. The information is provided to federal, state, local, and tribal counterterrorism and law enforcement officials so they may effectively deter, prevent, preempt, or respond to terrorist attacks against the United States.

Under “Key Findings”:

Threats from white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups during 2009 have been largely rhetorical and have not indicated plans to carry out violent acts. Nevertheless, the consequences of a prolonged economic downturn—including real estate foreclosures, unemployment, and an inability to obtain credit—could create a fertile recruiting environment for rightwing extremists . .

And:

The possible passage of new restrictions on firearms and the return of military veterans facing significant challenges reintegrating into their communities could lead to the potential emergence of terrorist groups or lone wolf extremists capable of carrying out violent attacks.

Conservatives everywhere, more inspired than daunted by the Tea Party’s racist and secessionist rhetoric, reacted with fury. You’re talking about America’s patriots here, Mister Obama. You watch yourselves, Homeland Security Fondas. Michelle Malkin cranked up the outrage:

Confirmed: The Obama DHS hit job on conservatives is real
By Michelle Malkin • April 14, 2009 12:01 AM

The “report” (PDF file here) was one of the most embarrassingly shoddy pieces of propaganda I’d ever read out of DHS. I couldn’t believe it was real.

. . the piece of crap report issued on April 7 is a sweeping indictment of conservatives. And the intent is clear. As the two spokespeople I talked with on the phone today made clear: They both pinpointed the recent “economic downturn” and the “general state of the economy” for stoking “rightwing extremism.” One of the spokespeople said he was told that the report has been in the works for a year. My b.s. detector went off the chart, and yours will, too, if you read through the entire report . .

As we have unfortunately come to know, Wade Michael Page was the report’s “lone wolf extremist.” It’s as if he stepped right out of the pages of the DHS analysis and into the lives of Oak Creek Sikhs, with horrific consequences. Here, the white supremacist:

Mark Potok, a senior fellow at the nonprofit civil rights organization in Montgomery, Ala., said Page played in groups whose sometimes sinister-sounding names seemed to “reflect what he went out and actually did.” The music often talked about genocide against Jews and other minorities.

In a 2010 interview, Page told a white supremacist website that he became active in white-power music in 2000, when he left his native Colorado and started the band End Apathy in 2005.

The military veteran:

Page joined the military in Milwaukee in 1992 and was a repairman for the Hawk missile system before switching jobs to become one of the Army’s psychological operations specialists assigned to a battalion at Fort Bragg, N.C.

As a “psy-ops” specialist, Page would have trained to host public meetings between locals and American forces, use leaflet campaigns in a conflict zone or use loudspeakers to communicate with enemy soldiers. . .

Page was demoted in June 1998 for getting drunk while on duty and going AWOL, two defense officials said, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to release information about the gunman.

Page also received extra duty and was fined. The defense officials said they had no other details about the incident, such as how long Page was gone or whether he turned himself in.

Add in the economic downturn:

Outside Fayetteville, N.C., a brick ranch house Page bought in 2007 with help from a Veterans Administration mortgage stood boarded up Monday with knee-high weeds in the yard. A notice taped to the front indicated the home was in foreclosure and had been sold to a bank in January.

Not with any glee, we say Malkin was wrong. The report wasn’t “crap,” it was accurate.

From my time writing this blog, I’d note that right-wingers sometimes seem to win on a particular issue because they’re capable of screaming louder and longer than your average, well-adjusted person. Let’s not now forget these disastrously poor counter-assessments [more Malkin]:

And echoing the anti-military bigotry last seen in that disgusting Penn State University training video, there’s this on p. 7:

(U) Disgruntled Military Veterans

(U//FOUO) DHS/I&A assesses that rightwing extremists will attempt to recruit and radicalize returning veterans in order to exploit their skills and knowledge derived from military training and combat. These skills and knowledge have the potential to boost the capabilities of extremists—including lone wolves or small terrorist cells—to carry out violence. . .

There’s no hackneyed left-wing stereotype of conservatives left behind in this DHS intelligence and analysis assessment.

Page was well-trained to carry out violence, more likely to carry out violence, and he was especially effective in doing so. Former soldiers are dangerous, it’s a fact. They themselves know this. Let’s remember the reactions of politicians, too:

A senior Republican Judiciary Committee aide tells FOX News that the Obama administration “should immediately retract the report and apologize,” saying that according to the report, pro-lifers, anyone who lost their jobs or are one of the thousands of military veterans who have fought to prevent another 9/11 could be suspect.

And:

U.S. Rep. Gus Bilirakis, R-FL, told FOX News he was “offended” by the report’s suggestion that returning troops could be potential targets for extremist groups.

“I am very offended and really disturbed that they would even say our military veterans, our returning war heroes would be capable of committing any terrorist acts,” he said. “Where do they get off doing that? I demand an apology from [Napolitano] and even the President of the United States.”

Gus? Tim McVeigh? Pete Hegseth of Vets for Freedom:

“It’s amazing they would single out veterans as a threat to this country,” said Hegseth, an Army veteran who served in Iraq. “It underscores a pervasive belief that some are trying to spread that veterans are victims and we’re coming home as damaged goods that need to be coddled instead of celebrated.”

And:

. . American Legion National Commander David Rehbein blasted the report as incomplete and politically-biased.

“The American Legion is well aware and horrified at the pain inflicted during the Oklahoma City bombing, but Timothy McVeigh was only one of more than 42 million veterans who have worn this nation’s uniform during wartime,” Rehbein wrote. “To continue to use McVeigh as an example of the stereotypical ‘disgruntled military veteran’ is as unfair as using Osama bin Laden as the sole example of Islam.”

Yet we’re always looking out for Muslim extremists. Not to leave out the think tankers:

Herb London, president of the Hudson Institute, a Washington-based think tank, said DHS’ latest report “clearly appears to censor right-wing opinion,” while its earlier assessment of left-wing extremists does not . .

“What is the message here? That conservative organizations are not permitted to engage in any language that might be described as unfavorable to the president,” London said. “Keep in mind this is entirely subjective to begin with.”

Did it occur to anybody that the left-wing extremist report is so specific because the violent groups are so few? Just a thought.

Governor Moosemeat had a bad media day. Everywhere the subject of Sarah went, the insults followed. First, CNN mocked her:

I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a bunch of twisted sex perverts and their bisexual, jiveass negro of a President run their sick agenda on my country. Let’s all go to Chick-Fil-A every chance we get and make sure it’s a winner.

FinickyGreek 3 hours ago

Then Dick Cheney trashed her. Asked about the serious business of picking vice presidents, saved-by-the-heart-of-a-gay-Guatemalan-blow-job-champion Richard called McCain’s choosing of the calisthenic tundraclown “a mistake”:

Cheney would not comment on what he told Romney and Myers, but he was harsh in his assessment of McCain’s decision to pick Palin.

“That one,” Cheney said, “I don’t think was well handled.”

“The test to get on that small list has to be, ‘Is this person capable of being president of the United States?’”

Cheney believes Sarah Palin failed that test.

“I like Governor Palin. I’ve met her. I know her. She – attractive candidate. But based on her background, she’d only been governor for, what, two years. I don’t think she passed that test…of being ready to take over. And I think that was a mistake.”

Sarah Palin hasn’t been interested in governing anything since she quit on her home state. So, in Dick-world, she’ll never be “capable of being president of the United States.” Thwack. Commenters mostly piled on the put down. But some fans of the famous shrill faced off with the pack:

What a total moron you are to actually post as :God” who you probably spit upon with your disgusting sexual habit, and body eroding weed. Take another hit of Mary Jane and kill your brain cells more along with the rest of you sick entourage and voters so the rest of us will be rid of you perverted filth.

Posted by: DJ | 3:28 pm

The ladies of Brooklyn could use some pointers. Three weeks from today, the right Republican New York Senator Marty Golden will hold an event on 76th street, at Bay Ridge Manor. Lucky youze.

It won’t be no boring fundraiser. Naw, it’ll be like a debutante’s ball, or a cotillion. Or like a 17th century Viennese social, replete with powder-flecked waltzes and some delicious palace intrigue. If you don’t know what that is (I don’t), don’t you worry. Professor Higgins will be there to tell you:

SENATOR MARTY GOLDEN invites you to Refresh your Business Etiquette and Social Protocol Skills!

· HANDSHAKES AND INTRODUCTIONS
· POSTURE DEPORTMENT AND THE FEMININE PRESENCE

. . so. Youze been putting Marty in a headlock? No, no, ladies, that is no way to behave. We run a polite society here. Marty is a Republican. Upon presentation to Mister Monsignor Senator Fancysox Golden, you lie on your back and present the parts for wanding. Legs high, pinkies askew. Here I am. Now let me know who’s hiring, pal.

Look at today’s lectures on fair play, they are everywhere. Lucky me, I’ve been reading how Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh are the same person. You follow these rants, and they go: “These two guys, they’re identical. Bill Maher is a hideous misogynist, and Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer — who, by the way, carries enough of God’s good grace to manage an apology when he’s made a mistake. See?”

Oh, yes. Simple as could be. Bill Maher called Sarah Palin nasty things, Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke nasty things. Maher is evil, Rush is a victim. Fifty-fifty, even-steven, comme ci comme ca, wang-chung. When two different guys say roughly the same things, it’s a wash. By someone’s definition, the two statements communicate the exact same thing.

Let’s see if I’m at all following this. I remember May 1, 2003. George W. Bush stood aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln and said of the Iraq War, “Mission Accomplished.” At the exact same time, watching the spectacle on TV, I thought about Karl Rove’s hard-selling the war to Americans. I mumbled to myself: “Mission Accomplished.” It’s weird how everybody chose to criticize George, instead of me.

It’s some sort of mystery how the exact same things end up different. It’s unfair, really. For instance, Bill Maher is a foul-mouthed stand up comic. And yet, unlike Rush Limbaugh, he’s not the leader of the American conservative movement or the Republican Party. While people will listen to Bill for his opinions, there aren’t millions of people who hang upon his every word. No sizable chunk of America re-posts, re-quotes and dittoes his every syllable because they believe that Bill is always right. Somehow, nobody thinks that Bill Maher is always right.

Also, unfortunately, people of similar politics may differ with Bill Maher. Plenty of people have criticized Bill for his opinions. Thankfully, this isn’t the case with Rush. Even when — especially when – you’re a powerful Republican congressman or senator, if you criticize Limbaugh, you write your future obituary.

Congressman Phil Gingrey from Georgia, for instance, mistakenly said:

“I mean, it’s easy if you’re Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh or even sometimes Newt Gingrich to stand back and throw bricks. You don’t have to try to do what’s best for your people and your party.”

. . then had to beg for a phone line into Rush’s radio program, to say:

“I clearly ended up putting my foot in my mouth on some of those comments and I just wanted to tell you, Rush, … that I regret those stupid comments.”

Whew. Representative Todd Tihart of Kansas once mis-stated:

“No, no, he’s just an entertainer.”

. . then had to trot out his spokesman to correct his near-fatal mistake:

“The congressman believes Rush is a great leader of the conservative movement in America . . “

Even the pretend leader of the Republicans, GOP Chairman Michael Steele, nearly bought the farm:

“Rush Limbaugh, his whole thing is entertainment. Yes, it’s incendiary. Yes, it’s ugly.”

. . until he genuflected, with humility:

“I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh… I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. … There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership…. I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren’t what I was thinking.”

It’s a shame no one’s had to apologize to Bill, the comic, to prevent his professional standing and political power from being destroyed. I doubt Maher would be interested in such games, anyway, to his discredit.

And it’s particularly sad that no one thinks Bill Maher is a figure worth deifying. Though he’s practically Rush’s twin, nobody has nominated him for a Nobel Peace Prize. No man, or university, or foundation, has ever written an equivalent to this on his behalf, a letter to the Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Institute:

Dear Dr. Mjos:

Landmark Legal Foundation herewith submits the name of Rush Limbaugh as an unsolicited nomination for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.

We are offering this nomination for Mr. Limbaugh’s nearly two decades
of tireless efforts to promote liberty, equality and opportunity for all
mankind, regardless of race, creed, economic stratum or national origin. We fervently believe that these are the only real cornerstones of just and lasting peace throughout the world.

This says something about us, doesn’t it? The comedian will somehow never win a Nobel Peace Prize. This is shocking. It’s as if these two men, Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh, had nothing in common at all.

If you love tragedy, get your cameras ready. We may have a Republican disaster in the making.

After winning in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado, Rick Santorum has gotten a big boost in national popularity. Public Policy Polling has Rick over Mitt, 38%/23%. Pew Research has the split at 30%/28%. Either way, the race has been turned upside down. The shoo-in candidate now trails the Keystone Godbotherer no matter how you look at it. Triple P also shows Santorum up in the swing state of Michigan.

If you’re Mitt Romney, what do you do now?

“I was a severely conservative Republican governor,” Romney told the [CPAC] audience of his time in office, pointing out his support of traditional marriage and abstinence education.

You run wildly rightward. You try to cut Santorum off at the lunatic pass. You get ugly.

Jeff Hullinger: [Lawmakers] have bantered about the proposition that welfare recipients should be drug tested. How do you feel about that?

Mitt Romney: Well my own view is, it’s a great idea. People who are receiving welfare benefits, government benefits, we should make sure they’re not using those benefits to pay for drugs. I think it’s an excellent idea.

Drug testing isn’t just stupid, insulting and un-American, it’s unconstitutional. But Mitt thinks he desperately needs to look XXX-Conservative, so we get his pandering like this. I suppose we’re in for plenty more of this shameless behavior.

I see a big problem with this strategy. Mitt assumes he’s increasingly unpopular because he’s failing the right-wing acid test. He thinks the voters are turning to the likes of Gingrich and Santorum because they’re red-meat pitching extremists. He’s missing the bigger truth: people are running away from him because they don’t trust him. He’s as spineless and calculating a politician as we’ve recently seen, willing to say or do anything to get elected.

He didn’t have to be caught in this bind. Mitt could have staked out a position as a moderate conservative and be leading the race. All he had to do was commit to the strategy. He could’ve drawn a ‘Romney’ line in the sand and told the voters “This is who I am: A sensible conservative, unwavering in my positions, substantially in harmony with right-wing politics, but also rejecting of divisive extremism. Take it or leave it.” That message would have outlasted all the chaos and crazy candidates of this season. It also would have united the moderates and purists at the end of the primary war. It would have put him in a position to win the presidency, and that’s what conservatives really want, after everything is said and done.

But it’s far too late for that, isn’t it? Mitt’s decided he’s going to run to the right to try to steal Santorum’s thunder, then run back to the center in the general election. This is exactly the behavior that got people to despise him in the first place. Polling shows that the coveted centrists and independents, the voters that get candidates elected, are turned off by Romney because of this soullessness. Now Mitt’s decided his campaign requires even more of it. Good luck with that.

Rick the Dragonheart, surging Republican candidate, 15th century body snatcher, is on some momentum mojo tear today. On a serious Santorum roll. If I recall, that’s a traditional Medieval biscuit larded with goat brain, turned over an oxen dung fire, and made ashes with a blazing cross. They used to do the exact same thing for cowhide, magicians and saints. Why ever did we stop being Europe?

Speaking of the greatness of the past, Rick is something of a Medieval biscuit himself. Can you believe the interest the world’s taken in him? The internets have been going crazy today tracking his every cross-eyed campaign stop.

Staring at my computer, I can hardly believe the dumb, anachronistic stuff he’s putting out as policy positions. One: what women will be allowed to do in President Santorum’s America. One A: what sorts of planes he’d let them fly. Somehow, these are suddenly IMPORTANT. In Rick’s Victorian world, these are issues that have become dangerously unhinged from the wisdom of, eh, well, his Victorian world:

“I don’t think you see the same problems they would find on the front line.” He says, “It’s not a matter of putting women in dangerous roles.” He tell[s] me, for example, that women are fully capable of “flying small planes.”

Micky Axton

Mildred Darlene “Micky” Tuttle Axton was one of the best pilots of the Women Airforce Service Pilots (WASPs) program. Micky flew the four engine B-29 Superfortress back in 1944. 57 years ago. But campaign-Rick feels like putting everyone straight about the true nature and genetic capability of women today. This would have been a stupid opinion around the Korean War. It’s absolutely Neanderthal by the Reagan era. More:

. . I do have concerns about women in front line combat. I think that can be a very compromising situation where — where people naturally may do things that may not be in the interests of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved.

This is so much gobbledygook, it’s barely parse-able. I think he’s saying that a platoon with a woman in it can’t shoot at the enemy when they’re playing spin the bottle. Why Rick refuses to acknowledge the realities of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is especially mysterious given the way he’s promised to extend them both, at great cost to us all. The Army has seen what women are capable of, and they’re moving in the direction of giving those soldiers more combat-ready roles on the front line. And it ain’t like the armed forces have ever been a haven for feminists.

Holy thatched huts, digital people. How are you supposed to deal with a guy like this? What do you say? We say that Rick mounts a selfish campaign to take America back in time. He would return us to a century more comfortable for himself. Unfortunately, nothing he believes will suddenly become any less bullshit than it is right now.

Anybody could have predicted this from Rick Santorum. Any time one of these donkey-slapping clowns gets an ‘attaboy’ from the caucus [(def) 'Attaboy': We avoided the bigger clown], he fires up an exploding cigar. These guys cannot stand success:

“This is a president who, just recently, in this Hosanna-Tabor case was basically making the argument that Catholics had to, you know, maybe even had to go so far as to hire women priests to comply with employment discrimination issues. This is a very hostile president to people of faith. He’s a hostile president, not just to people of faith, but to all freedoms.”

The president demands female priests. I think he’ll have the freedoms, please, in a scramble a la’ martinet. This makes absolutely no sense, so it must be true. If the president tied his shoes, Rick Santorum would know he just got lynched. He’s such a wuss, I’m pretty sure I could will him to pee his shorts. That makes sense. Therefore, your honor, little Ricky’s soggy bottom notwithstanding, it is a lie.

Now that we’ve set up a real-er reality (real traditional American flavor), let’s be sensible. Let’s marvel at Republican candidates.

Newt Gingrich won in South Carolina. So he asked his Florida fans to skip to the moon with him where he’ll establish the U.S.’ fifty-first state (sorry, Kashmir). Because that was so cool-headed, presidential and professional, Gingrich was immediately elected high-holy Galactic Viceroy, a position he’s had for centuries now. Lunacy policy wins the day.

Mitt Romney trounced the field in Florida. So he reaffirmed to a national television audience (or to those of us who can still afford cable service, a TV, plus some electricity) the reason he’s running for president: “I’m in this race because I care about Americans. I’m not concerned about the very poor.” Once everybody remembered that one of every four kids in America lives in poverty, they hoisted Mitt onto their shoulders and carried him across The Great Finish Line. Where he collapsed into the arms of Fabio, or Providence, maybe ecstasy, the end.

Somebody new won last night. So it’s Rick The Dragonheart’s turn to flex some muscle (bladder?). Surely, he’s seen how the other geniuses cashed in on success. Surely, he’s learned that the key to victory in the long run is to remain calm and to talk in measured tones. That’s all anybody would ask from a politician they might throw a vote at. ‘Dear clown: Act presidential, please.’ Can you do that? Rick?

“I for one understand just from science that there are one hundred factors that influence the climate. To suggest that one minor factor of which man’s contribution is a minor factor in the minor factor is the determining ingredient in the sauce that affects the entire global warming and cooling is just absurd on its face.”

Yes.