Everything America does, it sucks. You know? Right? Multi-culturalism, psychiatry, education. Public trials, private executions. When you have sex, that’s all wrong.

The Sexual Revolution Depends on Big Government
By David French | National Review

Maggie Gallagher’s and William Duncan’s posts are important reminders about the extent to which the sexual revolution is sustained and empowered by government.

Meeting people and dating them. And having sex. Bureaucracy at its very worst.

While it’s fairly obvious that legalized abortion, no-fault divorce, and — to a lesser extent — the new contraception mandate, create the legal structures necessary to launch a more libertine, self-indulgent lifestyle, less obvious is the extent to which government moves to mitigate the rather dramatic negative cultural and economic effects of that same self-indulgence.

Well, it’s not tanking the stock market. But you participate in it, and you enjoy it, and boy how that stinks. You meet Miss Roundheel on Wednesday and boink yourselves into a marriage by the weekend. Please to stop doing that. Why? Because you go all abortion and divorce. And because of personal reasons only known to you. Who thinks this is freedom? You and the Kenyan. Weep for the job creators.

Incidentally: If you’re a woman who miscarries a pregnancy, you have to go to the hospital and undergo a bunch of obstetric exams to figure out whether it was a crime. This is a would-be blessing of David’s small government. You get to join his war on sex freedom.

If citizens were forced to bear more of the weight of their sexual decisions, would those decisions be different? History suggests the answer is a rather decisive “yes.”

And you click the link for the rhetorical knock-out punch, but it’s a statistical piece from 2006 on the children of unwed parents. Apparently, the mere idea of Kate Hudson is meant to clout the pro-sex argument out of the bargain. WRONG. Oprah Winfrey, on the other hand, was also born. Touche’.

We social conservatives hold the line on same-sex marriage not because we think it is more destructive than abortion and no-fault divorce (obviously it is not) but because all of these trends are rooted in the same destructive ideological and spiritual impulses that lead us to discard natural law, privilege adult wants over all other values, and erase even our most long-held liberties in the name of sexual desire.

You want to have sex with somebody but not make babies. This is the desire that holds America in its alien claws. The place isn’t fit for us, in any form, obviously.

The Fox hipsters scratch their heads over Glee.

Gretchen Carlson:

“. . [SIGH] I think here we go again, pandering to point three percent of the American population that considers themself transgender . . “

You can’t swing a feather boa in this country without smacking a prime-time show pandering to trannys. Are you as sick of LIZA! CSI as I am? Terrible demography, I wonder why Glee does it. And because I weigh 500 hundred pounds, I’m late for more Biggest Loser . .

” . . by the way, in the same episode, there are two cheerleaders who apparently are lesbians with each other and they put out a sex tape . .”

Together, they’re lesbians. Away from each other, they’re geishas. Sex seems to be a bit of a mystery for the Culture Warriors. Hey, maybe that’s why they’re so angry. Bill:

. . if children hear it, unsupervised children, okay who don’t have parents watching their — they might go out and experiment with this stuff . . when I was a teenager and I saw James Dean smoking, it made me want to smoke.

There he was. The coolest guy in school, leaning against the gym wall with a wry smile and a dildo between two fingers. And then Bill tried to smoke a Gleek’s pole. You’re never too old buddy . .

News reaches us from the Cotton-Mather-C.H.U.D.s. Can you believe it? They’re still digging.

To wit: At the top of Renew America’s charts this morning, the Christian go-to site for politics, its the righteous refrain of Selwyn Duke and his Pasted Chastes. Fire up the old Firestone Air Chief, gals, and huddle ’round. Let the sound of sex panic wash over you like the pneuma of a plague.

A woman close to me once characterized the sea change in our society well. “Years ago you knew who the bad girls were,” said she. “Now you know who the good girls are.”

So it begins. The giant god-fearing blog decides, today, to attack Sandra Fluke.

Now, I’ll leave it to you to determine her implication, but I’ll say that if a female law student is engaging in so much sexual congress that she’s spending a mint on birth-control, I wouldn’t reflexively assume she’s a slut.

. . 2 . . 1 . .

Because I’d wonder how she was working her way through law school.

You thought we blew past this days ago. You were wrong. These topics, women’s reproductive health and contraception, are freighted with moral complexities you, so far, have refused to understand. That’s why the fire drill for crotch politics stretches into, what, week 3? Where are you going? Get back here. Square people want to tell you about the coitus. Square people really need to, apparently.

Really, though, if such a woman doesn’t deserve slut status, who does? Is the word now obsolete? Have we become like a Barbary-pirate nation where the term “thief” may be out of style because its use may offend the majority?

So get out your textbooks on civil rights, social justice, healthcare’s role in modern society, human behavior, and whatever you’ve got on privacy issues. After so many days of one side simply calling Fluke “a slut,” the tenor of discussion is about to ratchet, ehh, somewhere. I sense something’s about to get plenty deep (never mind the discussion).

Remember that copulation among unmarried people that requires birth control used to be called fornication; now they call it recreational sex. But it’s called “recreational” for a reason.

It’s done for recreation.

Ba-doom-pah. Yes, the First Annual Colloquy for Serious Chatter About Your Sex Life opens today. You’re invited. And look who’s offering the plenary lecture of the debut assembly? Duke! Selwyn Duke, everybody.

So the question is, why should taxpayers be forced to fund someone’s salacious conception of recreation? Hey, pay for my golf, too, okay? That can be expensive also.

This is much better. The petty fears and hang-ups pushed aside. Our two sides finally generating an adult discussion about sex.

Meanwhile, oh-so chivalrous Barack Obama placed a phone call to feminist Fluke to offer his support — and increase his among the fairer sex. I guess he’s that certain type of man who uses loose women for personal gain.

I anticipate some sort of porque detente soon. Maybe later today.

When someone says they had a 13 year affair with you, they’re either honest or whacko.

Ginger White doesn’t seem crazy. She seems like she had little choice other than to admit the embarrassing truth given the media noose tightening around her.

“I’m not proud,” White told Russell. “I didn’t want to come out with this. I did not.”

White was worried a political tsunami was headed her way. So, she decided to head it off, by confessing she was involved in a 13-year-long affair with presidential hopeful Herman Cain.

“It was pretty simple,” White said. “It wasn’t complicated. I was aware that he was married. And I was also aware I was involved in a very inappropriate situation, relationship.”

Herman went on with ‘Blitz’ to categorically deny it all:

That blanket denial isn’t wise. Look at the evidence:

–“She showed us some of her cell phone bills that included 61 phone calls or text messages to or from a number starting with 678. She says it is Herman Cain’s private cell phone. The calls were made during four different months — calls or texts made as early as 4:26 in the early morning, and as late as 7:52 at night. The latest were in September of this year.”

Good luck explaining the communications and their timing, Herman.

–“She says in his hotel room, he pulled out a calendar and invited her to meet him in Palm Springs. She accepted, and she says the affair began.

‘He made it very intriguing,’ White told FOX 5. ‘It was fun. It was something that took me away from my humdrum life at the time. And it was exciting.’”

How did Ginger White end up in all those cities where Cain was appearing? They were ‘friends’ that vacationed together? In the same hotels?

–“She says during the next 13 years, he would fly her to cities where he was speaking and he lavished her with gifts. She says they often stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead and dined at The Four Seasons restaurant.”

While not a rich woman, Ginger bought herself the gifts? And the expensive hotel accomodations? Totally unlikely.

Cain’s lawyer is smarter than his client:

. . this appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults – a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life.

Yeah, that’s what you say.

Washington Examiner now reports yet another other allegation tonight. And, frankly, this is not much to write your lascivious mother about. But coming after allegation number four, where Sharon Bialek, a Republican, shunned opportunities to parlay her story into tabloid lucre to tell the world this:

When they saw each other in the evening, Bialek said he put his hand on her leg, “reached for [her] genitals” and pushed her head toward his crotch.

When Bialek objected, Cain asked her: “You want a job, right?”

. . the newest account of Herman’s strange behavior will play badly. When Americans are looking for sober and responsible individuals to run The Greatest Country Ever®, they’re not impressed by a candidate who sees himself as David Lee Roth.

Say ladies, you sure look fine, but there was an especially lovely young woman I spied in the audience. Fetch her and send her to my dining room or sitting/kneeling room or the Playtex Thunderdome, or what have you please:

. . 40-year-old Donna Donella, of Arlington, Va. — told the paper that the moment came after Cain gave a paid speech in Egypt that year. A woman in the crowd posed a query to Cain during the speech, the Examiner said.

Donella told them: “And after the seminar was over, Cain came over to me and a colleague and said, ‘Could you put me in touch with that lovely young lady who asked the question, so I can give her a more thorough answer over dinner?’”

She was “suspicious of Cain’s motives and declined to set up the date,” the Examiner reporter wrote.

That prompted Cain to reply, “Then you and I can have dinner.” Instead, some of Donella’s co-workers suggested a group outing.

Smoooth. Cain, of course, has been married for a hundred years. (David Lee Roth is not yet familiar with the term “football,” sports or nuclear-capability wise, touche’.)

Sure, this is your phallo-centric narcissistic behavior. The surprise is that Cain has gotten this far without it being divulged. Apparently, the business world is more protective of its sexual criminals than the political world.

There will be talk of this story, and it will pile atop the others as a believable tale about a spunky candidate with dirty habits. But if there’s one more Sharon Bialek out there, and she decides to go public, Cain is done. It’ll be too much for moderates and independents to take. Herman will sputter along at 15-20% from then on, tourniquetted by so many finding him so disgusting.

And did you know? Rock stars don’t pick up tabs:

She said she didn’t witness any “inappropriate sexual behavior” at the group dinner. But she claimed he asked the waiter for two $400 bottles of wine, and then stiffed the rest of the group when it came time to pay.

Cain! \m/(-o-)\m/

Politico correctly reported that Herman Cain’s employees made allegations of sexual harassment against him while he was CEO of the National Restaurant Association. Dear Grand Wizards: stop burning crosses on the polo grounds behind his mansion.

A colorblind media wouldn’t report something like that. The More You Know™.

Seattle pastor Mark Driscoll has some pithy advice for internet droolers (me). In his manifesto “Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men,” Driscoll tackles one of the problems particularly afflicting our Christian friends: shame about masturbation. Heh, very funny. Improper guilt. Hmm. Feeling that you’re a freak. *sigh*

Anyway, in the 15-part publication . .

. . yikes!

Okay, this will not go well. I’m guessing Mark doesn’t come down on the side of self-satisfaction.

Question #1 –
–Can you masturbate without lusting (Job 31:1)?

Question #2 –
–Can you masturbate in a way that builds oneness with your spouse, pulling you together more intimately through the act (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #3 –
–Can you masturbate without experiencing shame (Gen. 2:24)?

Question #4 –
–Can you masturbate with a clear conscience (Titus 1:15)?

Question #5 –
–Can you masturbate without capitulating to the cravings of your sinful desires and thoughts (Eph. 2:3)?

No, maybe, yes, yes, no. Did I get an “A”? I assume those are the right answers. I guess there are others possible, maybe with regard to number 2.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Good lord, if I’m not married and I masturbate — I’m queer? It’s even gayer if I watch myself? Golly, good thing I do it with my eyes closed. Well, I don’t actually close them, I wear sunglasses. Special ones, mirrored on the insides of the lenses, so I can watch my watching. And my shower’s mirrored, too, Yes, the ceiling. Actually, my whole tiny apartment is like that, and my favorite rubber suit is finished in mylar. My mansion, frequently, is an infinity fun house of masturbating thousands.

Second, masturbation is a form of monosexuality because it is sex that does not include another person. Since sex is given for such purposes as oneness (Gen. 2:24), intimate knowledge (Gen. 4:1), and comfort (2 Sam. 12:24), having sex with oneself seems to miss some of the significant biblical reasons for sexual intimacy.

Now we’re talking. I’ve been aiming afield of “biblical reasons” to do pretty much anything and apparently hitting the bullseyes. Though the numbers part of this argument is a bit confusing, and shrinking. Am I a hemisexual? A digi-porn cipher? Go on, you can tell me. Unless I’m some diaphanous Unicorn Nebula, earless and horny across the galaxy. Very possible.

Third, masturbation is often done in haste because of the mortifying embarrassment of possibly getting caught in the act. Subsequently, masturbation encourages a man to become a notorious minute-man who will not be well skilled in the self-control necessary to satisfy a wife.

ooooh

Fourth, masturbation can establish a pattern of laziness. If a single man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first become a man and undergo the hard work of courting and marrying a woman. If a married man wants to have an orgasm, he needs to first undergo the hard work of loving, leading, and romancing his wife. But, lazy men are prone to rub one out in the shower each morning rather than undergo the labors usually associated with responsible masculine married life.

Toodles, I’m gay.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Does anyone still remember the news stories of 1996? Crazy, flesh-faced simian scuttles across a five-star floor, hungry to suck the toes of a drug-addled floozy? Deja eww.

Whitney Houston once got intimate with Michael Jackson’s pet monkey Bubbles
Natalie Edwards, Sunday Mirror 28/08/2011

David Gest, in his Michael Jackson documentary, to premiere in the UK on October 24, recalls when the late star’s monkey ­Bubbles got up close and personal with Whitney ­Houston.

He reveals: “Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles.”

It turned out it was Bubbles. Who promptly keeled over with a mouthful of high grade Peruvian toe jam. People: chimpanzees carry no Bobby-Whitney cocaine dismutase gene clusters. Those are complex, higher-order Homo dysfunctiens adaptations.

But toe-sucking? Lowly gorillas are crazy for it, highly adapted to do it. For them, hey, it’s probably just a natural thing.

Take Dick Morris, for instance, please. The whacko Fox News consultant was actually once employed by Bill Clinton, if you can believe that. He worked hard to get Bubba re-elected. But Dick’s big job with the administration ended when it was revealed that he’d been carrying on a long-standing relationship with a prostitute. Her job? Wiggle her delicious piggies in his grateful, grasping mouth.

On August 29, 1996, Morris resigned from the Clinton campaign after reports surfaced that he had been involved with a prostitute. A tabloid newspaper had obtained and published a set of photographs of Morris and the woman on a Washington, D.C., hotel balcony. The Daily Telegraph reported that in order to impress the woman, Sherry Rowlands, Morris invited her to listen in on conversations with the President. The Telegraph also alleged that Morris had a preference for “toe-sucking and dominance,” and that he regaled Rowlands with a version of “Popeye the Sailor Man,” performed in his underpants.

Ehh, Popeye’s secret? Sock spinach makes me strong. Ack ack ack.

Actually, Dick was just being gracious. Treating his guests no differently than any sorry pop star’s hairy pet would treat his guests. And Whitney didn’t charge Bubbles anything.

Let’s see, there was Ted Haggard:

Gayle Haggard

In November 2006, escort and masseur Mike Jones alleged that Haggard had paid Jones to engage in sex with him for three years and had also purchased and used crystal methamphetamine. Jones said he had only recently learned of Haggard’s true identity, and explained his reasons for coming forward by saying, “It made me angry that here’s someone preaching against gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex… I had to expose the hypocrisy. He is in the position of influence of millions of followers, and he’s preaching against gay marriage. But behind everybody’s back [he's] doing what he’s preached against.”

There was Senator Larry Craig:

Suzanne Thompson Craig

The Larry Craig scandal was an incident that began on June 11, 2007, with the arrest of Larry Craig—who at the time was a Senator from Idaho—for lewd conduct in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.

. . “At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.”

There was Florida Representative Bob Allen:

Beth Elaine Allen

He made headlines in 2007 after being arrested for offering $20 for the opportunity to perform fellatio on an undercover male police officer in the restroom of a public park and was released on bail. Since the time of his arrest, Allen has maintained his innocence, stating that he believed the undercover police officer was trying to rob him, and that he only offered to perform oral sex because he felt intimidated by the black and muscular police officer. Allen was convicted on November 9, 2007, and sentenced to six months’ probation, and was fined $250. He resigned from the Florida House of Representatives on November 16, 2007.

. . but then there’s this guy — the bachelor bonus. Clark County, Indiana, Republican Party Chairman Glenn Murphy. He’s the best:

I was looking for the Tootsie Roll center

The 22-year-old man who claims Murphy sexually assaulted him notified police of the incident on Aug. 3, Clark County Sheriff’s Department Detective Randy Burton said in a probable-cause affidavit. The man told police that he awoke shortly after 6:30 a.m. on July 29 to find Murphy performing oral sex on him. Murphy and the man stayed overnight at the home following a party there the previous evening.

According to the affidavit, Murphy and the man met on July 31 to discuss the incident and that the man tape recorded the conversation. The affidavit states that on the tape, Murphy tells the man he thought the man had been “coming on” to him and that the following exchange took place between the two:

“I thought that you were awake. It’s my fault,” said Murphy. “I’m not laying this off on you. I’m trying to explain what happened.”

“I don’t know, dude,” the man replied. “Yeah, I don’t know how you can possibly think that it was OK to do that, honestly.”

Murphy said, “Dude, I wasn’t in my right mind. I wasn’t thinking.”

That just cracks me up. Glenn’s some sort of criminal legend. He’s probably the only person convicted of assaulting an unconscious person with a pair of lips.

I got no problem with geezers talking up their old days. No skin off my hide to hear about shifters mounted on steering columns. How supermarkets had turnstyles. How their stupid friends got laid in parochial school.

Funny old Bill. Tin cans of beer, bra clasps of steel.

“Liberals want everything. I mean, they want you to give them everything. Right, you want an IPad, don’t you Leslie?”

You’d like one, wouldn’t you?

BREAKING: Bachmann pledges to ban pornography
Think Progress | July 7 2011

Tonight, Michele Bachmann became the first presidential candidate to sign a pledge created by THE FAMiLY LEADER, an influential social-conservative group in Iowa. By signing the pledge Bachmann “vows” to “uphold the institution of marriage as only between one man and one woman” by committing herself to 14 specifics steps. The ninth step calls for the banning of “all forms” of pornography.

See THE FAMiLY LEADER’s ridiculous 14 point retro-pledge here, Think Progress’ coverage here:

– PORNOGRAPHY SHOULD BE BANNED: Vow 9 stipulates that the candidate must “support human protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” and protect them from “seduction into promiscuity and all forms of pornography…and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.”

Is this really a good idea? For the Bachmann campaign, I mean? Sure, it seems like a slam-dunk pander to the social conservatives. But Michele Bachmann already knocks them off like fish in a barrel.

I’m talking about another reality here. The reality of reality. As most of you probably already know, America’s repressed, right-wing Bible thumpers are our champion porn consumers. Bachmann may be playing with fire by pretending her base is as simple and predictable as she is.

A 2009 study by Harvard Business School Professor Benjamin Edelman titled “Red Light States: Who Buys Online Adult Entertainment?” found that Bible Belters and Conservatives were the most avid consumers of internet porn. The study used a large porn provider’s database to look at the variance in subscriptions normalized for broadband internet usage (a slow internet probably precludes frequent viewing). Here’s a graphic of the state-by-state differences in subscriptions:

The highest porn consumers: Florida, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, North Dakota, and — the king of online porn — Utah. Edelman noticed the trend and drew further parallels.

As shown in Table 4, subscriptions are also more prevalent in states where surveys indicate conservative positions on religion, gender roles, and sexuality. In states where more people agree that “Even today miracles are performed by the power of God” and “I never doubt the existence of God,” there are more subscriptions to this service. Subscriptions are also more prevalent in states where more people agree that “I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage” and “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior.”

Notice for “I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage,” a statement which could serve as Bachmann’s campaign motto, the increase in potential online porn subscriptions more than doubles. Similarly, for people who’d affirm “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior,” the bias for porn subscriptions is strong. The pledge Bachmann signed is virulently homophobic.

If the study is accurate, Bachmann’s ‘ban porn’ gambit attacks the lives of her own people. Will it backfire on her? Depends upon how vigorously she and FAMiLY LEADER trumpet the Iowa stance and perhaps carry it forward. It might be the sort of hollow pandering Conservatives quickly see past.

It’s also possible that shame eventually works in the candidate’s favor. What people do in the privacy of their homes may be a reaction to how they feel pressured to behave in public. If voting for Bachmann is a public act, she may win out.

Caught this Weiner commentary on the Wall Street Journal’s online Opinion section. This comes from ‘witty’ James Taranto’s column.

It’s good to keep things simple, isn’t it? Let’s not complicate complicated things.

Can Heterosexuality Be Cured?
“Congressman Weiner departed this morning to seek professional treatment.”
James Taranto | June 13 2011

Unlike homosexuality, heterosexuality is amenable to therapeutic remedies–or so Anthony Weiner and his fellow House Democrats would like us to believe. “Congressman Weiner departed this morning to seek professional treatment to focus on becoming a better husband and healthier person,” Weiner flack Risa Heller told the New York Times Saturday.

That’s the opening, and the closing. I’m surprised to see Taranto’s words before us while his tongue’s glued to his cheek. Let’s agree: it’s his hidden charm.

If you can’t ‘cure’ homosexuality, how can you ‘cure’ heterosexuality? My. Game over, fans. Drive safely, see you at Tuesday night softball.

Of course, the ‘cure’ for homosexuality, they believe, is its death. Credit to Taranto for re-spotlighting the Conservative appreciation for health and care. Meanwhile, the ‘cure’ for heterosexuality is what?

But the idea that Weiner has a medical problem is ludicrous. Indisputably, his behavior was sleazy and foolish. It turned out to be self-destructive too, but only because it was publicly exposed. Had he been more technically savvy, it’s quite possible that he could have covered his tracks and never put his career in jeopardy.

The cure is stealth. I see: Weiner’s fine. This sort of behavior is typical, straight-person stuff. For example: Sen. David Vitter and his chronically dressing up in diapers and nailing hookers (and I imagine I’m charitable with ‘nailing’). Though these behaviors destroy lives, make people miserable, they’re normal. We are the people who crawl under rocks so that we may mate. This is vigorous, red-blooded Americanism — huzzah, Weiner!

To explain what motivated his actions, it is sufficient to observe that he seems to have a healthy male libido–indeed, perhaps a bit too healthy.

Yes, too healthy. Like Rush Limbaugh’s physique demonstrates his healthy appetite for food. Newt Gingrich maintains a healthy appetite for divorce. George W. Bush’s healthy appetite for the slaughter of women and children was legendary. Ravenous.