Category: wingnuts

I am hip high with wingnuts

After National Review’s lumbering ginger bitch, Mark Steyn, wrote a pissy post about Sandra Fluke, I criticized him. Here he was:

. . she has concluded that the most urgent need facing the Brokest Nation in History is for someone else to pay for the contraception of 30-year-old children.

Sandra never “concluded” that. But this is about contraception, so she’s a child. Don’t you know anything about the national debt? That’s adult stuff.

Anyway, Steyn read the post —

. . and now I’ve got a thousand ginger twats saying I’m stupid.

Abortion and contraception are the only technology we have to manage pregnancy? The ONLY TECHNOLOGY we have to manage pregnancy?? We have no other sort of technology related to pregnancy at all in this world? So “managing” pregnancy means nothing but preventing or ending it?

Once you’re accidentally pregnant, the technologies are pretty lame. Don’t you think? There’s a morning-after pill, I suppose, but that’s cold homicide buddy.

Way to take something out of context. Mark’s point was that contraception is not the job of a federal government. If Sandra cannot afford the $4 pill then maybe should try the old tried and true “just say no” approach to birth control

Way to take something out of context. Sandra was talking about Georgetown’s healthcare plan. It costs students $1800 a year, but it won’t cover birth control. Even though it would likely save the plan money. Strange, don’t you think?

Back in days of yore they used that outdated model of keeping penises out of their vaginas but what is a middle aged student about to start a career in her mid-30′s supposed to do today?

Back then things were smarter. We used to lobotomize certain people. We used to drown others. We used to hang other others.

Your arguement is incoherent at best and again as other posters have mentioned proves the point that liberals want daddy government to protect and care for them cradle to grave.

Oh, youe . .

1.) “Please Mark instruct us. Tell us educated people what we should do with our lives.”

Now there’s irony for ya…

2.) “Tell us educated people”

Based on the quality of your writing and the coherency of your argument, I’m not sure “us” is an appropriate word choice there.

Subjectivists. Ouch my tuxedo ears. I could have pleased the crowd with a “we,” but then I’d be a fool. Wouldn’t I? This is so National Review, it’s pitch perfect.

The only coherent thought in this article is when she quotes Mark. I fear that this is written by another college uneducated 30 year old…

Hey! I’m a dood dammit.

First I must comment on how incoherent this commentary was. It made little sense, and the maligning of the English language indicates someone who learned English from rap albums. Second your point about contraception, well let’s jaunt over to the more enlightened Europe, where the evil white, christian( sorry too few of those), yuppies are barely reproducing at all, as in the case of the vampire sex is merely healthy excersise, and reproduction is strictly for the realm of the living.

Heeeeeee’s Mr. Coherent, doot-do-dooo. Yikes. Somebody call filmmaker Martin Excersise, there’s a Euro-vampire treatment he’s gotta read.

Steyn is addressing his comments to rational adults. That’s why you missing the point.

I not miss point! I get point! Very good point!

How far you’ve fallen if the greatness of a man is to be measured by his enemies.

You came all the way to my blog to say this. Telling. Anyway, thank you Steyn ye ginger bitch for sending me your dullards. This was entertaining graffiti. And now, some hot dogs.

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Todd Akin’s no different than the rest of them

The GOP have been quick with the public relations hand-wringing and furrowing of bald pates after Rep. Todd Akin’s bizarre comments. Over the weekend Akin offered this dodge for the need of an abortion after rape:

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Plenty of Republican bigwigs, including National Review, have called for him to exit his Missouri Senate race. The thinking among the right-wing is that the gender gap among voters, especially after Rush Limbaugh’s sluttening of politics, is sizable and will only grow worse as long as a target like Akin hangs around.

But what about the rest of the wingnuts? What’s the point of exiling your drunken uncle from the family gathering when the whole clan is berserk? Since when are the rest of the Republican intelligentsia above poor stupid Todd Akin?

Take Bryan Fischer for instance. It’s his job to be the stupidest asshole on the internet. Everybody agrees on this, Bryan particularly and proudly. So after he says this, why is he welcome in the GOP?

“What Todd Akin is talking about is when you’ve got a real, genuine rape. A case of forcible rape, a case of assault rape, where a woman has been violated against her will, through the use of physical force, where it is physically traumatic for her,” Fischer said on his radio program.

Not a sort of snuggle-crime. Or an argument over the rules of slap-and-tickle. Really?

“Under those circumstances, the woman’s body — because of the trauma that has been inflicted on her — it may interfere with the normal functioning processes of her body that lead to conception and pregnancy. There’s a very delicate and complex mix of hormones that take place that are released in a woman’s body and if that gets interfered with it may make it impossible for her or difficult in that particular circumstance to conceive a child.”

Bryan’s been important enough a wingnut that virtually any presidential candidate has to kiss his ring before pursuing the evangelical vote. So he’s not going anywhere.

Thus the hypocrisy? Because he’s powerfully insane. He’s got so much of the speaking-in-tongues crowd behind him that he’s allowed to be as brutally insulting and idiotic as he likes. Akin’s equally dumb but he’s only a politician.

Paramount among equals, Chris Loesch. He understands biology, too, and you people have got everything all freaking wrong.

Akin was all “medically correct.” We take this for granted because Twitter warriors are very science. Anybody who gives his life over to shouting in short sentences is likely sensible and carrying an acute background in the molecular mechanics of human biology. If that isn’t true none of his colleagues particularly cares and no one’s more or less upset about anything of current note.

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Shooter probably a stupid violent right-winger

Another mass killing:

The shooting at the Sikh Temple in Oak Creek about 10:15 a.m. Sunday that left at least seven people dead, including the shooter, and three people injured is being treated as a domestic terrorist incident, Oak Creek [Wisconsin] Police Chief John Edwards said.

Oak Creek police officers who responded to a 911 call about the shooting were helping a victim when the shooter ambushed one of the officers, shooting the officer multiple times.

A second Oak Creek officer returned fire, killing the shooter, Edwards said.

This brings back bad memories. Remember this?

Balbir Singh Sodhi was gunned down on Sept. 15, 2001 in Mesa, Arizona. The turban-wearing Sikh was killed outside his gas station. Sodhi’s killer spent the hours before the murder in a bar, bragging of his intention to “kill the ragheads responsible for September 11.” He has been convicted and sits on death row.

Now today. Raw Story:

More information is coming out about what led the FBI to declare Sunday’s Sikh temple shooting an act of domestic terrorism.

According to the Los Angeles Times, tattoos plus “certain biographical details” were the source of that conclusion. A representative of the Sikh congregation, Kanwardeep Singh Kaleka, told CNN that “members described the attacker as a bald, white man, dressed in a white T-shirt and black pants and with a 9/11 tattoo on one arm.”

There has already been widespread speculation that the shooter may have intent on committing an anti-Islamic hate crime but confused Sikhs with Muslims because of their turbans. Kaleka pointed out that “maybe it’s because the ladies were fortunate enough to dodge it out, but so far most of the people I’ve heard have been shot and killed were all turbaned males.”

Waiting for Pam Geller to tell us this is still Mohammed’s fault.

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You can’t smell armadillos with your fingers in your ears

Today’s award-winning National Review braaap comes by way of Jonah Goldberg. If this weren’t him, it would be satire of Jonah delighting in duncery. Turns out Jonah’s a doughy big boy who can do things for himself. Take it away, Stephen Hulking…

Raaaaaaacists!
By Jonah Goldberg | July 27, 2012 1:57 P.M.

Dan’s post on Jonathan Chait’s entry into the “if it’s bad for Obama, it’s racist” games is a keeper. What I love about this stuff is that liberals tend to insist how racism is not only repugnant to them, but alien to them. And yet, they continually demonstrate a sensitivity and acuity for spotting it that even real racists seem to lack.

Liberals tend to insist they’re opposed to the killing of people. Yet every time there’s a stabbing, who is it that complains? Yup, the same bunch. Even more so than the murderers themselves. C’mon.

They’re like people who claim to be nose deaf (if you prefer, anosmic) who nonetheless insist they can pick up an exotic scent from miles away (“A lactose intolerant armadillo has grown flatulent over by the old Miller farm . . .”).

I did not make this up. This really is Goldberg. Ahem, contemplate all the things you’d miss (like this) if your peepers went mute. I don’t even want to noggin smell the idea. To be tasted of mitts and sighted of gob, it is to live. (P.S. Lemur snacks fart fart.)

I don’t think liberals appreciate how much conservatives laugh at this stuff.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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You bit off more than you could chew, flying lawnmowers

This is good. It is news.

“I’m taking my dog for a walk and guess what I see right over the tree line right above my head is a drone,” said [Joseph] Farah, adding that the drone was low in the sky and sounded like a lawnmower.

You know it’s getting weird when the flying lawnmowers are here.

“I don’t live in the city, I don’t live in a populated area, I live in one of the most rural places you could possibly live in Northern Virginia and there could only be one thing that this drone was spying on and that would be me, that would be my property because there’s just nothing else around except woods and deer,” said Farah.

You know you’re being watched when the surveillance drones are here.

Farah joked that the drone was probably stalking him because he was a terrorist, given the fact that a recent report funded by the Department of Homeland Security put out by the National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism listed Americans who are “reverent of individual liberty” as “extreme right-wing” terrorists.

You know you’re being stalked when the terror drones are here.

“The liberty lovers out there really have to stick together….or we’re going to hang together as our founders said,” warned Farah, expressing his concern that patriots who resist the increasing levels of control being asserted over their lives by big government would be “hunted down” by a re-elected Obama administration.

You know you’re being lynched when the usurper drones are here.

“Look – this is the first term – if he’s re-elected it’s going to be war – they will be at war – we will be hunted down like dogs, keep that in mind, that’s what the stakes are,” said Farah.

You know you’re being hunted when the battle drones are here.

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The funny way National Review cares for California

California, that’s us. Unemployment is pegged over 10%, the state government’s poorer than a fruit picker, the mention of the word ‘water’ in polite society starts fistfights, and, beginning about a month from now, the Santa Ana winds will turn greater Los Angeles into gunpowder in a potter’s kiln. There are so many good reasons for the bleedinghearts at National Review to worry about us.

If Californians did not have enough problems already, they are about to be deprived of delicious, fattened liver.

Jesus, now this.

As of July 1, when Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 2004 “Force Fed Birds” act finally took effect, California became the first state in the nation to ban foie gras.

No more tortured goose organs for you. The fates. They are cruel.

Some, like the newly founded Coalition for Humane and Ethical Farming Standards (CHEFS), say the law goes too far. “It would lead to the widespread production and sale of contraband, black-market foie gras that would be dangerous to animal welfare and customers,” the CHEFS website states.

Because CHEFS are all about animal welfare. Similar arguments were forwarded the author by GNASHING BIRD MAGNETO. Now, here’s how the Review tie up this piece. No ma’am, I’m not making this up:

These birds are only the most recent job creators pushed out of the Golden State.

When the attorney general deports the Hell’s Angels, the morticians lobby will collapse.

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Herman Cain’s acid trip TV channel

Raw Story tells us that Herman Cain is about to domi9ate internet TV:

Failed Republican presidential candidate and former pizza CEO Herman Cain is planning to launch his own Internet TV channel called “CainTV” that, oddly, features patriotic dinosaurs and a cartoon version of President Ronald Reagan, among other bizarre attractions.

“Whether you are looking for commentary, comedy, or culture, CainTV delivers it all in an Informed, Inspirational, and INtertaining way . . ”

What Raw Story failed to add was “Do not watch this stuff in a fragile state of mind.” It’s too bizarre to make sense of. Why is Sandra Fluke mouthing some fat guy’s words? Who is the homeless guy? Why is there a baby T. Rex? Who is this man doing the Ol’ Jim Crow? Why does Herman want me to buy guns for sheep? My head. I tried to whittle this blotter of Velvet Spidermans down to a tolerable minute, but I think I made it worse.



First person to deconstruct this wins a cookie.

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Time to rip that poor bullied gramma

Remember Karen Klein? The 68 year-old grandmother of eight who was taunted by some nasty Greece, New York, seventh grade bus weasels and made to cry? After video of the harassment went viral, kind and decent people across America decided to raise a little money for Karen so she could take a much-needed vacation. The donations are now up to something like $700,000, so the story has a nice ending.

By the way, you didn’t think she’d get away with it, did you? Not without somebody pointing out something disastrously liberal about the whole thing:

Bullied ‘jail bus’ lady: Fearful fatty, not a hero
Ilana Mercer asserts Karen Klein is perpetuating infantilism in America.

The new “poster child” for a bully victim in America is, wait for it, not a helpless small child, robbed of lunch money by the schoolyard ruffian, but an adult entrusted with supervising them . .

To the sight of a feeble adult who occupies two seats on the vehicle she’s supposed to supervise, too fat to budge and too powerless to perform the task for which she is being paid – the Internet erupted in cheers.

That’s something I don’t recall. I don’t remember anyone leaping to their feet and shouting themselves horse after watching those ten painful minutes. Is this necessary, Ilana? Do you really have to take Gramma down a big peg?

Nevertheless, Klein’s coffers filled up fast. She is now $650,000 richer and plans to make a pilgrimage to the Mecca of maturity: Disneyland.

The trip appears to be mediated by Anderson Cooper, CNN’s Alpha female.

Take that, Pamela. Who is this Mercer? The activist for raw strength and vigor in the Great American Bus Monitor? She’s a World Net Daily regular. A former South African who is famous for criticizing her birth country for — big surprise — its apartheid-free cultural depravity and criminality. She wrote a book called (no kidding!) “Into the Cannibal’s Pot: Lessons for America from Post-Aparthied South Africa.” You might be interested in who is a fan of Mercer.

“In both nations the founding European stock yielded up their dominance in the interests of justice and liberty. Instead of moving to equal citizenship under fair laws, however, both nations – in different style and measure but with similarly dire results – have embraced official tribalism (`multiculturalism’) and state-enforced racial favoritism (`affirmative action’). For South Africa the transformation has been fatal – brutally so for victims of the nation’s swelling social disorder, as Ms. Mercer documents in heartbreaking detail. For the U.S.A. it is not too late to change course.”

John Derbyshire might be harder to find now that he’s been excommunicated from the National Review, but his words are still around. Not that they’re any different now. Everything’s still the same. Then there’s this guy:

“Into the cannibal’s Pot is brilliant, exceeding all my expectations. It is very courageous of Ilana Mercer also to attack the whole notion of ‘democracy.’ This is a much-needed shot at a holy cow.”

That would be “Afrikans activist” (*cough*) Dan Roodt. Don’t call him a racist, or he’ll sue you. But do feel free to read his blog:

But just like two individuals may differ in both attitude and ability, it is certainly admissable that races, too, may differ not only in attitude but also in ability. How much of the one can be explained by the other? After all, if I am a bad golfer and I find the game frustrating, I am more likely to give it up than pursue and practise it until I become a low handicapper.

What goes for golf, goes for maths and science, as well as school or university in general. Since The Bell Curve, not to mention may [sic] scientific studies published in peer-review journals, we all know that blacks have a lower average IQ than whites. In South Africa, the white IQ is somewhere around 100 whereas the average black IQ is about 70.

Blacks generally prefer parties and festivals because a lot of them lack the mental ability to excel at such demanding subjects as mathematics and natural science which require logical reasoning and cognitive ability.

We need more South Africans disappointed with the dismantling of apartheid to lecture us about the degenerating moral fabric of America. You might guess they’d be unhappy with the lack of an overriding unitary authority. You might guess they’d be a little disappointed with us since we let the you-know-whos have the run of the place.

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Weekend Muslim hatery slam

Rightblog Weasel Zippers, home of the raging deleted post (“Wow team Obama removes American flag from Ground Zero moments before live shoot”), is having a good ol’ Muslim-bashing time right now. They’re always having a good old Muslim-bashing time, come to think of it.

But right now they’re crazy-raged at the Council on American-Islamic Relations. As if that could be fresh and sassy, you bet. I should get on with it:

WHAT?! They told our Mooslim executioners not to use pictures of women for target practice? THE SAND NIGGERS WANT US TO BE FAGGOTS! Like that. See?

Maybe the SEALS should use the CAIR offices as their training range. They are after all, the enemy.

Time for some live targets, courtesy of cair.

OK CAIR,We will push for a goat holding a weapon…

that should turn you on…

P.S. Please go home, fuck your goat, and shut the fuck up.

LOL…they’de be REALLY pissed to see my range….full-sized mo-ham-head…mo-ham-head….and mo’ mo-ham-head…3 different scenarios at 3 different ranges (30, 45 and 55 feet) but the end results are always the same before I’m done, for some odd reason all the lil’ mo-ham-heads have great big fucking holes in their foreheads!!!

FUCK YOU CAIR and the camel you rode in on.

Muzz scrunts can be rabid jihadis.
Blow her head off.

SWEET! I want to go shot there!

… muzzies have such tiny dicks its a wonder they even have a population to kill or that their women would want to kill themselves…it must get tiring as hell to have to please yourself night after night while their husbands are out raping goats, camels and little boys, huh???

I think they should cut the ears or the nose off so she would look normal.

Question – How can you shoot women and children?

Answer – Aim lower and don’t lead by as much.

They intend (with China being in the lead, and they’ll take over somewhere) to subvert totally.

Ya. How come our SEALs are now as if on-display? Their business is none of our business!

While CAIR is part of the problem, the real problem is the PC Navy staff officers, commanding officers and Pentagon civilian staff that listen to these turds. Same in all the services.

Romney needs to can every one of them and put the nation on a war footing against mooslim violence.

Bring back the Crusades. Death to the infidels.

The reality of the enemy is slowly becoming our own. CAIR is nothing but a tribe of rapists, robbers and retards.

CAIR= COLLECTION of ASSES IDIOTS and RETARDS

Or perhaps the Department of Homeland Security can give the SEALS some active shooter training….you know, if you see a person witha gun doing bad things, run away and hide. John Wayne must be spinning in his grave like a top!

CAIR fuck off–’ We Americans are offended using real AMERICAN LIVES FOR TARGET PRACTICE ”’ suck allahs sausage dry

muzzies are 2nd stage dog sh-t

Should the SEALS start using hoodies and skittles as targets?

As far as I can tell, there are about a billion muzzies left in the world that we haven’t killed yet. And that’s a billion too many. Load up, everyone.


That’s right! Go get your gun and shoot a billion people. America! @#$%&!

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Wife of executioner/entrepreneur victimized by liberal court system

After a routinely-fired shitnozzle launched a lucrative enterprise by provoking an unarmed Negro to kick his Pillsbury ass, shooting the teen point blank and then jacking internet dollars from fantasy teamers too cowardly to do the same, a post-modern legal quandary did arise.

How should a stodgy justice system dictate to web entrepreneurs? A man with a vision and a business model is hardly a criminal. He’s just a job creator. And knowing full-well the online sympathy market for nigger-shooters is hardly a reason to arrest him. These people, alive and dead, pose no threat to polite society. So what does it matter how the Zimmermans run their business? There’s no compelling interest for courts to bother with a company’s liquidity.

Prosecutors say the Zimmermans used a rudimentary “code” to discuss the money in recorded jailhouse phone calls — referring to $100,000, for example, as “$100.” At least two of the calls, the state alleges, were made while Shellie Zimmerman and her husband’s sister were at a local credit union making the transactions.

Zimmerman told his wife to “pay off all the bills” with the money, prosecutors said, including an American Express card and a Sam’s Club card. He also instructed her on how to pay his bail.

According to the affidavit, after her husband was released on bond days after the hearing, she transferred more than $85,000 back into his account.

Shellie was supposed to tell them about George’s hundreds of thousands worth of racist donations, but she lied. Understandably, freedom. So they arrested her for perjury. For a time, the Bill Gates and Paul Allen of hip-hop mud-duck target shooting for-reals LLC, a spontaneous venture, were imprisoned yards from each other. The exercise quad and the stoolies pen, to name but two.

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Obama tells the homos of fellatio-free FLOTUS (no)

This president is so cool, he can’t help it. It’s just his nature. Speaking at a fundraiser not too far from here, he told an LGBT-friendly crowd: “My wife won’t suck my penis.” And the crowd erupted in both friendly and derisive laughter because that’s not their problem. Right? Oh Mr. President, you silly Commander Guy with your lonely saliva-free dong. You is lovable, in your lame hip-hop way like the Fresh Prince.

The quote came when Obama spoke of the first lady’s appearance on Ellen Degeneres’ show. Click for audio. (click)

I want to thank my wonderful friend who accepts a little bit of teasing about Michelle beating her in pushups — but I think she claims Michelle didn’t go all the way down. That’s what I heard. I just want to set the record straight — Michelle outdoes me in pushups as well. So she shouldn’t feel bad. She’s an extraordinary talent and she’s just a dear, dear friend — Ellen DeGeneres. Give Ellen a big round of applause.

And err whoops. I screwed it up. I see the joke was actually: “Ellen Degeneres said my wife won’t suck anyone’s penis.” Or: “Ellen Degeneres said my wife won’t suck her studio carpet’s penis.” Whatevs, my wife won’t put it in her mouth, and that’s the joke the President was trying to make. In order to win over the intransigent Hollywood insider CoJo/Ross the Intern constituency.

Did the Greatest Orator in the History of the Republic Make a Crude Sexual Joke About His Wife?
Sundries Shack | Jimmie

President Obama gave a speech Wednesday, a part of which genuinely boggled my mind. Now, I know you’re probably thinking I’ll quote a stirring bit of admiration of the heroes who stormed the beaches of Normandy so many years ago. After all, Wednesday was the anniversary of the Day of Days. But no. . .

Today’s mind-boggling moment cane [sic] during a speech at a fundraiser before an LGBT audience. . . in the midst of his remarks, he dropped one of the more inappropriate comments I’ve seen from a President since, well, the last Democrat we had in office. This is from the official pool report, as quoted by Todd Starnes of Fox News Radio.

“Michelle outdoes me in pushups as well,” he said, after saying that she’s taken some criticism on her technique “because she doesn’t go all the way down” – a line that he let hang, naughtily provoking laughter from the crowd.

Well, that ain’t the transcript, is it? Yeah, so? Who cares.

Did President Obama Just Make A Blowjob Joke?
So says the pool report from his gay and lesbian fundraiser at L.A.’s Beverly Wilshire tonight.
Incredibly awkward.

Buzzfeed, that. Dan Riehl:

Obama: Michelle “Doesn’t Go All The Way Down”

I’m thinking Barry didn’t want to go there at a gay and lesbian fund raising event. But he di-d!!

Then Dan gets the transcript.

Update: It Was A Gay Joke – Obama: Michelle “Doesn’t Go All The Way Down”

Update: Buzzfeed has added the transcript. Given that it was related to Ellen DeGeneres, the context becomes a bit more clear – or, less fuzzy, perhaps.

The joke was gay. Get it? I don’t. I’m thinking homo sex is all quantum mechanical to Dan. Good guess, pal. This was iOwnTheWorld’s take:

They’re having difficulty interpreting the President’s humor. Imagine trying to have sex with these people. Betsy’s Page:

Classy, President Obama, classy.

Ann Althouse plays the silly game Limbaugh made famous. You’re smart enough to know the truth, but you need the adulation and play both sides:

. . consider that Obama has a bone to pick — does that sound dirty to you? — with Bill Clinton right now, and given the strong association between Bill Clinton and blowjobs and the suspicion that Obama is currently pissed at Bill Clinton, he may have been engaging in some subtle jousting with Bill Clinton — does that sound dirty to you? —about the sexual proclivities of their respective wives.

So she puts up a ‘poll’ — “does that sound dirty to you?” (jeezus). And “Yes. Completely intentional, with a touch of deniability written in.” is winning handily.

Well here it is. The actual clip, where you see what happened:



The President was pissed.

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Day Two: The atomic mistaken literary agency guillotine of Robespierre

Second post in a row. Back in 1991, the President’s old (current?) literary agency put out a bio of him in a booklet meant for industry perusal.

Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii.

Miriam Goderich, now a partner at the agency, waters the fire:

This was nothing more than a fact checking error by me — an agency assistant at the time. There was never any information given to us by Obama in any of his correspondence or other communications suggesting in any way that he was born in Kenya and not Hawaii. I hope you can communicate to your readers that this was a simple mistake and nothing more.

Fuck off, Miriam. People know the propaganda of a tyrant when they see it. Hear it. Roger Simon, the very veteran scribe too dumb for me to do him justice (I’ll try), leads the charge up Obama’s anthill. After first somehow anticipating the bombshell, he asked “Is Obama Imploding?” Standing in the crater, he asked “Is Obama a Pathological Liar?” Now, calmed down, Roger ponders the meaning:

The Mystery of the Kenyan Birth
by Roger L Simon

Reading the extraordinary revelation about Barack Obama’s youthful literary career on Breitbart.com — that his agents published a promotional book in 1991 with a bio of Obama saying he was born in Kenya — set my old mystery writer mind ablaze.

How could that be? Why would they think such a thing?

Why would they think such a thing? Let’s see: He’s black, Kenyan by descent, and people call him “Barack Obama.” Is that good enough for you, Agatha?

There are only two forks in this road — either he was born in Kenya or he wasn’t.

Out for waffles, Roger stuffs the IHOP flatware in his $.99 socks. That’s how I figure the non sequitur. Bob Frost, we have come to a single metaphor in our road: should we go by the ‘wingnut’ or by the ‘regular person’? We take the stupid:

I have never been a conspiracy theorist and will assume the latter, although I have to confess that for the first time, given this revelation, I have the tiniest soupçon of doubt.

Nevertheless, the more interesting, and actually frightening and depressing, conclusion is the former. So what if he was born in Kenya? At least we know why he lied about it. He wanted to be president.

Naw, it’s silly. But it could be true but I’m not that sort of guy but now I’m thinking just maybe. Because if it were true that would be interesting and then everything would make seamless sense and then he’s been lying all this time, because he wanted to be president, which now just occurs, to me. Giddy-up. This humble blogger did write that the tenor of right-coverage on the “Kenya report” stunk of nirvana. Let’s see:

But why did Obama’s agents think he was born in Kenya? That’s a more interesting question. (Obama, of course, is a liar either way.)

Roger has got the bastard.

I will leave aside for the moment the question of whether he vetted the agent’s material himself . .

. . because that would crash an orgasm, but there’s conclusive evidence in the form of . .

As the author of eleven published books and seven produced feature films, I have had plenty of dealings with agents and publicity people and always looked over the bios they had written about me. Every author I ever talked to about it always did too. We’re those kind of egotists.

. . in the form of Roger Simon, author and genius, and now that the jury’s cold naked . .

But I have no way of proving that Obama did — although I would faint if he hadn’t.

. . he’ll lose consciousness if he’s wrong. Do you figure Roger for an adult? Most human beings don’t expect to be hospitalized for sloppy editing. This was my point yesterday: wingnuts, with their hearts racing, are currently taking out the president. Their excitement was bizarre to absorb, frankly, but it was clear as day. They’re seconds away from sending Obama to hell. And nothing could ever be sweeter to a self-fellating, America-despising dumb cousin like Roger.

And to further speak of stupid, Breitbart and co. piled on with more posts. And failed, again:

Obama’s Lit Agency Used ‘Born in Kenya’ Bio Until 2007

According to archive.org, a website that caches websites on a regular basis, the Dystel.com website – the official website for Dystel & Goderich, Obama’s literary agents – was using the Barack Obama “born in Kenya” language until April 2007, just two months after then-Senator Obama declared his campaign for the presidency.

Why would a genius use his “Lit Agency” to propagate a writerly Kenyan farce but forget until long after he’s announced his candidacy to orchestrate a political one? You guys are saying he’s facile with identity politics, but there’s no grift bigger than being “American” to run for U.S. President. You are disastrous clowns.

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