Category: yikes

Republican government pushes you on your back, shoves a probe in you and cranks up the electricity

What was Winston Smith’s crime? Having sex with Julia. Falling in love with Julia.

O’Brien picked up the cage, and, as he did so, pressed something in it. There was a sharp click. Winston made a frantic effort to tear himself loose from the chair. It was hopeless; every part of him, even his head, was held immovably. O’Brien moved the cage nearer. It was less than a metre from Winston’s face.

“I have pressed the first lever,” said O’Brien. “You understand the construction of this cage. The mask will fit over your head, leaving no exit. When I press this other lever, the door of the cage will slide up. These starving brutes will shoot out of it like bullets.”

Rats. Remember that? Now consider the legislation about to be signed into law by the governor of Virginia. Imagine what Big Brother will soon force upon many panicked and love-struck women:

The Virginia legislature has passed a bill that will force women seeking an abortion to undergo a medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound. The mandated procedure requires that a woman’s vagina be distended with a speculum and that a probe be inserted into the vagina and manipulated around so as to produce a high-resolution picture of the uterus and surrounding organs — once again, for no medically sound reason. Governor Bob McDonnell has said that he will sign the bill.

See the Virginia government:

Rats on your face. How about a rat in your ass?


Return of The Night of The Santorum

When they’ve got a Pennsylvania C.H.U.D. crawling out of the D.C. sewers, eating the eyes of villagers, why should we intervene? We shouldn’t. Gah. What’s wrong with me?

Darned compassion! Cursed rational ways!

[I] have voted for contraception, although I don’t think it works. I think it’s harmful to women. I think it’s harmful to our society to have a society that says that, y’know, sex outside of marriage is something that should be encouraged or tolerated, particularly among the young . . Birth control enables that and I don’t think it’s a healthy thing for our country.

First: let’s dispense with dumb. Contraception works like gangbusters. Thank you, everybody who worked on the pill.

Second: If I’m madly in love with my wife (girlfriend?) and I want to have sex with her, how do I avoid being “harmful to women?” See, Rick, the problem: I love her. And I listen to her. She does not want to become pregnant. She’s very terrified of the idea.

So what’s an American guy supposed to do? What are a couple supposed to do?


Fox News celebrates MLK’s birthday by pulling out a photo of Ice Cube and calling him Ice-T

I hope your hands are big enough to hold your head. It’s a Fox clip so brutal, it’s classic.

The occasion of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday is a great time to reflect upon things. The greatness of the man. The lasting political power of non-violence. The struggles of people long-denied their rights. The brutality and self-righteousness of oppressors. The segments of our society still in need of King-like grace and tolerance.

But maybe you were in a silly mood Monday? So you turn on Fox News and you see, for King’s birthday, that they:

1.) Have Bernard Goldberg spend time with Bill O’Reilly.
2.) Ask the two of them to gauge the amount of Mitt Romney’s ‘whiteness.’
3.) Get Bernie to bring from home a keepsake photo of a black person.
4.) Let him brag about how racially hep he is because he spent time with Ice-T.
5.) Have Bill-O point out that Bernie’s best friend is actually Ice Cube.
6.) Make Dr. King plenty proud when Bill explains “I’m a brother, man.”

Now your day’s ruined, and you’d like to kill someone, but, darn it, you can’t do it.


Merry Christmas Bowe Bergdahl, come home

Bowe Bergdahl is an Army soldier being held hostage by the Taliban’s Haqqani network after being captured in June of 2009.

. . Bergdahl “came off patrol on June 30th, dropped off his weapon, his body armor, grabbed up a bottle of water, a compass and a knife and took off out on his own. It was sometime after that, apparently, that some local militants grabbed him and turned him over to the Taliban.”

After the Taliban abduction became public, Fox News Channel figured Bergdahl for a great traitor. Why? God knows. ‘What sort of soldier tries to get captured?’ they seemed to ask. Figuring it a proper denouement, their Lt. Col. Peters actually called for the Taliban to go ahead and kill him. Watch the end:

The Pentagon flipped out over that. It’s shoddy journalism to call for the death of an Army soldier in enemy hands, I think. You would figure more patriotic Americans to feel the same way.

Two and a half years later, after five Taliban propaganda videos, Bergdahl is still alive. And still enemy property. That’s enough for New York’s Fox News affiliates to turn him upside down, like a prop:

The only known American soldier in Taliban captivity is training fighters in bombmaking and ambush, according to information reported Sunday from one of his captors and the Afghan intelligence agents working to free him.

Oblivious of the purpose of propaganda, Fox 5 didn’t see the dangers in repeating whatever the Haqqanis told them. They didn’t figure the Taliban would have any reason to lie about this friendly Bergdahl. So now a sizable segment of the American population believes that Bowe deserted the Army to show the Taliban how to blow up Americans.

Don’t you believe it. Though it’s the latest media splash about Bowe, it’s unlikely to be true. Thanks to Roger Ailes, Bergdahl may currently look like some traitor. But in the hands of the Taliban, I’m betting he’s still a red-blooded American and a loyal soldier. The enemy knows better.


Newt Gingrich’s Electromagnetic Pulse Fetish

Newt Gingrich knows something we don’t know. Oh hell, let’s just say it: Newt knows about 100 times more than we’ll ever know. Probably a thousand times more than everything I ever knew multiplied by a zillion.

Here’s a thing: a nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP) attack will kill you. Probably soon. Watch the first minute of this clip and take some notes. Then you may find it practical to launch an attack on North Korea before they fritz your ham radio:

North Korea could launch 3 nuclear missiles and completely wipe out our electrical grid? Send us back to a pre-industrial era? Krishna no, don’t be silly.

North Korea could launch just one missile and it would send us back 300 to 400 years. And kill 90% of us within a year. That’s the prediction of that ‘expert,’ Newt Gingrich’s co-author and good friend William Forstchen:

Turns out Russia could lob a dozen nukes at us and kill millions, but most of us would survive. We’d also still be a modern country. But if, say, Iran launches a single, small nuclear-tipped missile from a boat in the Atlantic and detonates it 200 miles up in the atmosphere, most of us will die before Christmas 2013. Oh, and America will become Latvia cerca 1700-something.

My. Conservative experts on national security everywhere play up this scenario frequently. Here’s the President of the Center for Security Policy, Frank Gaffney:

The Heritage Foundation:

In 33 minutes or less, life as we know it in America could end. That’s how long it would take for an enemy ballistic missile launched from the other side of the world to hit the United States. If it carried and detonated a nuclear weapon high over the center of the country, the electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would literally fry the nation’s electrical grid and all of the circuitry that powers our homes, businesses, hospitals, phones, cars, planes, traffic lights, ATMs, water supplies, and anything else not “hardened” against such attacks. The EMP Commission chairman has testified that, within just one year of such an attack, 70 percent to 90 percent of Americans would be dead from starvation and disease.

Heavens, we’re about to die.

There really once was an EMP Commission. They were tasked with figuring out how substantial a threat the EMP from a nuclear explosion might be. The commission produced reports in 2004 (here) and in 2008 (here) and written testimony before the House Armed Services Committee (here).

They predicted the deaths of all but a few Americans? No, they produced plenty of dry boring analysis but no evidence that all but 30 million of us could be slaughtered with a single bomb. Not that that matters, of course. Because the threat of an impending sky-holocaust is simply too wonderful for the right-wing fear and book merchants to let alone. So, we get this.

From what I gather, the popular proof of your approaching death came from a Newsmax article. A reporter named Kenneth Timmerman, attending a meeting of missile defense hawks at The Claremont Institute, heard a talk by the EMP Commission’s chair, Dr. William Graham. Unable to discern the difference between Graham speaking in simpatico to his whacko friends and Graham testifying under oath to Congress, Timmerman became confused. In his sober post titled “U.S. Intel: Iran Plans Nuclear Strike on U.S.,” he reported:

In testimony before the House Armed Services Committee and in remarks to a private conference on missile defense over the weekend hosted by the Claremont Institute, Dr. William Graham warned that the U.S. intelligence community “doesn’t have a story” to explain the recent Iranian tests.

Timmerman was never aware of Graham’s actual testimony. Obviously. But if Graham is saying stuff at the conference, surely he said the same things to Congress, right? Congress has slightly higher standards for shiny intellectualism and honesty, but they’re partisan. And so everything Graham lectured about at The Claremont Institute became the Commission’s report to Congress. Like this:

“If even a crude nuclear weapon were detonated anywhere between 40 kilometers to 400 kilometers above the earth, in a split-second it would generate an electro-magnetic pulse [EMP] that would cripple military and civilian communications, power, transportation, water, food, and other infrastructure,” the report warned.

No, Graham warned. Yes, that’s somewhat what the report said, but the words are Graham’s. And thus, this . .

Asked just how many Americans would die if Iran were to launch the EMP attack it appears to be preparing, Graham gave a chilling reply.

“You have to go back into the 1800s to look at the size of population” that could survive in a nation deprived of mechanized agriculture, transportation, power, water, and communication.

“I’d have to say that 70 to 90 percent of the population would not be sustainable after this kind of attack,” he said.

. . Graham’s own runaway comments became the Heritage Foundation’s “The EMP Commission chairman has testified . . ” Now the League of Doom predicts you’ll die of starvation once Iran manages to buy a fishing trawler. Of course, Newt Gingrich’s stagecraft morality leans to educating the media. And this, friends, is why we call some people “wingnuts.”

And what about this EMP? Is it dangerous? I don’t know, I really didn’t feel like blowing more hours than I already had producing a flawless debunk. But I do know this: plenty of nuclear bombs have been detonated above ground without sending countries 1000 miles away into permanent decline. From the commission’s own 2004 report:

In [1962], the Soviets executed a series of nuclear detonations in which they exploded 300 kiloton weapons at approximately 300, 150, and 60 kilometers above their test site in South Central Asia. They report that on each shot they observed damage to overhead and underground buried cables at distances of 600 kilometers. They also observed surge arrestor burnout, spark-gap breakdown, blown fuses, and power supply breakdowns.

While interesting, we also note that the Soviet Union survived. And it did so without being thrown even further back into the Dark Ages. Now I congratulate myself: I have waited the entire post to remind the loons that electrical grids have been around 130 years. Silly people. Also: we have, for some time, been concerned with our enemies lobbing nuclear missiles at us because they could come down. There’s a whole system in place for tracking incoming strikes, launching lightning counter-attacks, and turning countries into craters.


Grampa World Net exposes army’s baboon sluts

For your contemplation, gentle reader:

tee hee! Les Kinsolving is a lunatic. Jay Carney was having fun by calling on him.

ADD: In all seriousness

“Kinsolving is the second in seniority in the White House Press Corps, and is treated with utter disrespect by this creep Carney and the other clown before him, Robert Fibbs. Carney, in fact, has not called on Kinsolving since he asked a question in August on whether Hillary would replace Obama in 2012.

Meanwhile, in liberal Hollywood, reports of pedophilia possibly being an epidemic there are emerging…”


Now Newt needs a wheelbarrow for his balls

First, the nomination’s fling with Donald Trump. Then Michele Bachmann copped a feel or two. Rick Perry looked a ‘Texas McDreamy’ for all the world, but he opened his mouth. Herman Cain shoved m’lady’s head in his crotch and that was that. She scores a little X over at Ron Paul’s on the weekends, but that’s all. And lo there stands Mitt Romney, arms folded, outside her door. Waiting.

But there’s just no talking to her. She happens to be in love with Newt . .

November 30, 2011
Gingrich up big in Florida and Montana
Public Policy Polling

Newt Gingrich’s momentum is continuing to build, and he now leads Mitt Romney by over 25 points in both Florida and Montana.

In Florida Gingrich is at 47% to 17% for Romney, 15% for Herman Cain, 5% for Ron Paul, 4% for Michele Bachmann, 3% for Jon Huntsman, 2% for Rick Perry, 1% for Rick Santorum, and 0% for Gary Johnson.

That’s not remarkable. It’s insane. How the hell did he do it? I’ve written too much about Newt the Grifter Dumbass already, so I won’t go there again. I won’t re-hash his endless deception. Instead, I’ll offer a quick psycho-sexual sketch.

For whatever latent reason, it just now occurred to Republicans he’s the only real man in the bunch. Call it ‘White Wiener and the 7 Snausages.’ The swelling of Newt’s chances has come as a result of the gerrymandered sexual circuits that complicate conservatives’ political cognition. In the tangle of neural wingnuttia, visceral rage and outward divisiveness are signs of competitition and sexual domination. Or, in jargon even the National Review can understand: Newt acts a stud. And ‘stud’ they’re always interested in.

Mr. Frosted Puff is a man because he’s willing to look an audience in the eye and cut Americans to pieces. And it’s time someone did! When you’re a know-nothing rube, that’s pretty exciting stuff. Just watch. Newton shifts his girth toward the podium, lowers his jaw, then his brow, and delivers a load . .

“We have to decide we’re going to replace the left.”

Your BVDs getting any tighter, Biff? Sure they are. Anybody think for a second Mitt The Pussy would say that? Never. How about this:

“Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works . . They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash’ unless it’s illegal.”

Have Herman Cain’s balls ever been that big? In his misstresses’ dreams.

You can count on Newt the Buck rocking your every hot button from here to the White House. That’s the sort of stamina that makes Conservatives swoon. So congratulations, Nomination, it’s true love.

Fire away lard butt!

. . if you want to put people in jail . . start with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.

Barney, the wuss homo? God damn, that is beautiful.


San Fernando Mayor Hernandez announces to city council (and his wife) he’s having an affair

This guy will go down in some very nasty Hall of Fame:

Thursday, November 23, 2011
San Fernando Mayor Mario Hernandez Admits Affair with Councilwoman Maribel De La Torre
Diana Martinez | San Fernando Sun

. . With his wife, Anna, sitting in the front row, Mayor Mario Hernandez, for whatever reason, decided Monday night was the night to formally announce that he lost his business, and filed personal and corporate bankruptcy. “And secondly,” Mayor Hernandez said, “I’d like to put out there, ‘to squash the rumors,’ that yes, I have been in a relationship with Councilwoman (Maribel) De La Torre.”

Someone should lend the Mayor a dictionary because you don’t “squash” a rumor by confirming that it is true.

What did the wife do? What can anyone do?

How heartless can Hernandez be to make a public announcement, on city time no less, with his wife staring him in the face? Actually, what happened next answered that question.

The aggrieved wife bravely stood up and said, “That’s why I’m here….” Mayor Hernandez retorted, “Yes, I know” as she continued to try to speak, saying “I’m his wife…we weren’t separated.”

Hernandez used his Mayor’s platform to tell Lt. Jeff Eley (acting Chief of Police) to prevent his wife from talking as residents gasped, and he went so far as to ask to have her escorted out of chambers. As those in the chamber audibly reacted, Lt. Eley said there “was a process” and the Mayor had the floor.

. . and the Chief of Police escorted her from the meeting.


Megan loves her whirly-spoons: quod erat demonstrandum

So I’m walking down the street. And then all of a sudden, I can’t move. I’m stuck.

BOOK REVIEW: Saturday, November 26, 2011
Spend It or Save It?
Megan McArdle | Wall Street Journal

A few months ago, I became the proud, and slightly sheepish, owner of what must be the world’s most expensive food processor. The Thermomix costs about $1,500.

Anyway, I was like . . what happened? I can’t move.

It not only chops the food but weighs the ingredients and cooks them for you while stirring constantly. Perfect hollandaise and flawless béchamel can be produced in minutes with virtually no effort.

So I thought I’d open my eyes. But wouldn’t you know it? I couldn’t see.

After seeing one last summer in the home of a friend, I promised myself one if I completed a particularly large and time-consuming research project. By the time I did, I was no longer sure that I wanted to spend the price of a good chair or a bad car on a kitchen-counter appliance.

So I can’t move, and it’s pitch black. What a mess. No idea what to do.

But I went ahead and ordered one. However guilty the pleasure, I couldn’t resist the joy of the long-planned splurge.

Then I heard this voice. ‘Turn around, genius.’

Nor, it seems, can any of my countrymen. For decades, Americans have wallowed in credit, shunned savings and . .

So I turned around. Sidewalk! Wow. I managed a couple steps, and then I turned around again. There it was!

. . all this profligacy supports a rather vibrant cottage industry in polemics . .

A bus. I walked into the side of a bus. It happens. Where was I?


Oakland cops are assholes

A You Tube user by the name of ‘antiprocon’ uploaded this video yesterday.

“While filming a police line at Occupy Oakland after midnight on Nov. 3 following the Nov. 2 general strike, an officer opens fire and shoots me with a rubber bullet. I was standing well back. There was no violence or confrontations of any kind underway. At 0:31 seconds you can see a tall officer in the front raise his weapon and then fire. This is the full clip of the incident.”

The city needs to fire this cop (they won’t). They’re cheering at Fox News.

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