President Rubio and his Constitution 2.0

There is a certain reflexive habit of conservatives that I find absolutely adorable. Marco Rubio here demonstrates it perfectly.

The habit? When Republican politicians think that conservatism is so fantastic and flawless a philosophy that any idea lured from its grotto is the perfect pet for today. An icon fashioned of the finest sinew and bone. A beast of mythic power and proportion, capable of…anything.

“One of the things I’m going to do on my first day is office is I will put the prestige and power of the presidency behind a constitutional convention of the states,” Rubio said at a campaign stop in Waterloo, Iowa on Tuesday.

Time to re-do the Constitution! Finally, let’s get it right. Why?

“Because that is the only way that we are ever going to get term limits on members of Congress or the judiciary and that is the only way we are ever going to get a balanced-budget amendment.”

So we can slap term limits all over the government. Oh, and so we can impose a balanced budget. Because you know how those people are. Prone to go a little crazy, like a woman with her credit cards.

What an idea. Especially considering the no-money Bush recession we’ve just barely survived. Can you imagine how quickly Marco Rubio’s government-in-restraints would have been overrun by the Axis Powers in World War II? Well sure, we’d love to make some more tanks and battleships, but we have a constitution remember? More strudel, Franz? You can’t just amend a foundational document overnight, folks (there’s a whole…ugh, you don’t want to know.). Perhaps a particularly enterprising President Rubio could persuade Burrows Inc. to donate the paper and ink for a declaration of unconditional surrender. Maybe FedEx would be nice enough to fly it to Berlin for free. For a bunch of people obsessed with the workings of government, right-wingers have no idea how fiat currency works. Amazing.

Of course once a convention is called, Marco does realize what that means, right? That all of the Constitution is on the table? Nothing would be safe. For one, the Second Amendment could use some polishing…

Rubio spokesman Alex Conant emphasized that the senator only supports “a limited Convention of the States under Article V that is limited to proposals that remove power from Washington and return it to the states.”

Jibbursh sez whut? Where again does one find the “limited” part of Article V? Everyone pardon Mr. Spokesman and allow me to translate from the original wingnut. Cough-cough, ahem: Constitutional conventions – how do they work?

And Rubio himself said…on Tuesday that “you have to limit the convention, and that’s what they’re proposing, a very limited convention on specific delineated issues that they would talk about.”

Well if that’s what they’re proposing, then I’m sure it’ll all be fine. And when the conventioneers call for a vote to define personhood as a “non-corporate entity” I’m sure that they will run willy-nilly up to the dais and begin waving their arms, and everybody will just CALM THE FUCK DOWN.


Spying on thee, not on Bibi and me

I’m certainly no fan of the NSA and its collecting all our cell phone calls, personal e-mails, text messages, beach party Instagrams, come-hither glances and making of the bedroom eyes. I admit some of this may have prevented terrorist attacks on the country. But it’s also true that this is garbage and illegal and will eventually be banned at some point, likely when the the will of the judiciary catches up to the spirit of the Constitution. I’m not legal-minded so I have no idea when everything will finally go back to being right (if it ever was).

In the meantime I find this rather pleasing:

President Barack Obama announced two years ago he would curtail eavesdropping on friendly heads of state…But behind the scenes, the White House decided to keep certain allies under close watch…Topping the list was Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

The U.S., pursuing a nuclear arms agreement with Iran at the time, captured communications between Mr. Netanyahu and his aides that inflamed mistrust between the two countries and planted a political minefield at home when Mr. Netanyahu later took his campaign against the deal to Capitol Hill.

I’ll be less circumspect about this than Murdoch’s Journal. The Israeli government, led by its prime minister, intervened in our politics to prevent the American government from avoiding war with Iran. And Netanyahu et. al. did this by conspiring with…members of the American government.

The National Security Agency’s targeting of Israeli leaders and officials also swept up the contents of some of their private conversations with U.S. lawmakers and American-Jewish groups. That raised fears—an “Oh-s— moment,” one senior U.S. official said—that the executive branch would be accused of spying on Congress.

Oh shit is right. You’re stone-cold spying on members of Congress – but how did all this mess come about? It came about not because the NSA was targeting a loose knit group of fans of the Israeli government. It came about because the NSA was targeting the Israeli Government.

Through the probe, the White House discovered Netanyahu’s office had “coordinated talking points with Jewish-American groups against the deal,” and communicated with American lawmakers to see “what it would take to win their votes.”

Given that Netanyahu believes an American-led war with Iran is in his best interests, and that we know such a war will conflict with the best interests of Americans, who will die by the thousands, I understand why the President did it. It doesn’t bother me at all. Obviously, I’m not one of the neocons:

In January 2014, I [Glenn Greenwald] debated Rep. Hoekstra about NSA spying and he could not have been more mocking and dismissive of the privacy concerns I was invoking. “Spying is a matter of fact,” he scoffed. As Andrew Krietz, the journalist who covered that debate, reported, Hoekstra “laughs at foreign governments who are shocked they’ve been spied on because they, too, gather information”…

But all that, of course, was before Hoekstra knew that he and his Israeli friends were swept up in the spying of which he was so fond. Now that he knows that it is his privacy and those of his comrades that has been invaded, he is no longer cavalier about it. In fact, he’s so furious that this long-time NSA cheerleader is actually calling for the criminal prosecution of the NSA and Obama officials for the crime of spying on him and his friends.

What an instructive lesson. From the Israel-or-die members of our government: The NSA must have access to your dirty phone calls! But when the same spying uncovers the plans they’ve been hatching with a foreign power: Somebody is going to jail! It’s so patriotic.


He notices Ernst Blofeld has no reflection.

Look who just crawled out of his island volcano. Karl Rove. And he brings us all tidings of good sneer.

Mele Kalik-Baracka
President Obama jets to a Hawaiian holiday, while the world unravels.

…says the man who sold us a ten-ton ball of smoking yarn.

“It is also important for us to keep things in perspective,” Mr. Obama told NPR’s Steve Inskeep… he said, “the strength of the United States and its allies are not threatened.” He then compared Islamic State to al Qaeda, which he said “was able to carry out one spectacular attack,” but “at no point was there ever a sense that in fact it could do catastrophic damage to us.”

Now hold steady, irony fans, and ready the quote-cannon. You might begin by cramming this into the breech: ‘Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last?’

Mr. Obama should try telling the families of the nearly 3,000 people killed on 9/11, and the Americans who saw two great buildings topple, that al Qaeda’s attacks that day were not “catastrophic.”

Rove would do better to sell us his hairy balls, he’s got plenty to spare. For the chief political operative of the administration that in 2001 both defied the warnings and denied the intelligence about Al Qaeda to lecture this president on how awful it was for the “families of the nearly 3,000 people killed on 9/11, and the Americans who saw two great buildings topple”…my bloody god. It’s like Bill Cosby trying to describe what it’s like to be raped. It’s akin to Dick Cheney reminding us how painful it is to get shot in the face. Apparently a man needs no conscience to be featured in the Wall Street Journal.

ISIS has already destabilized the Middle East, drawing Iraq deeper into Iran’s orbit and giving Russia an opening to return to the region from which it was ejected in 1973.

ISIS you say? And who was it that “destabilized the Middle East” before them? Answer: Karl Rove’s minion, the United States. Pine away all you like, Americans, for a local son of a bitch with a well-fed army capable of ousting those bastards, but March of 2003 was a long time ago. You’re welcome, all you vapors of the Levant. George and Dick, as always, send you their worst.

For a man who thinks he’s always the smartest person in the room, Mr. Obama has shown himself remarkably astigmatic about our national interests, always behind the curve. Because of his lack of vision, the mop-up operation his successor will face is unlike any in living memory.

The mop-up operation, in Iraq…unlike any in living memory. And I suppose if the American economy completely collapses, China hosts a Summer Olympics, and an angry Iraqi hurls his shoes at the President’s head that too will be unprecedented evidence of Obama’s horrendous presidency. In the meantime Karl can begin to re-vamp the black and bloated career he hauled from a Baghdad sewer, without the sickly stench of regret or the faintest whiff of self-awareness.


Once again, a right-wing terrorist with a gooey liberal center

Here we go again. Breitbart pulling the ole’ bait and switch.

Hillary Clinton Backer Threatens Mosque, Media Blame Trump

The mainstream media are reporting that a Bay Area plumber who allegedly planned to bomb a California mosque was a Donald Trump supporter–though he explicitly supported Hillary Clinton…

…Celli wrote: “Hillary Would make a great president. If she would commit to what she is hiding. But she has to crucify the president. Then her run for the White house is over.”

See libtards? No way is he a right-winger. He said nice things about Hillary Clinton – he’s one of yours!

…left-wing sites played up Celli’s support of Trump, implying that Trump was responsible for “propelling” bigotry and “white domestic terrorism” into the “mainstream” of political debate.

Alright. But he’s for which politician? Was he a “backer” of Hillary Clinton, or of Donald Trump? Perhaps we should look at what else William Celli posted on his Facebook page? […umm, no that’s okay, you don’t uhh…] Oh, it’s no trouble. He must have had more to say about politics, right? […will you look at the time!…] Because lying is quite annoying.

Celli 1

Does that look like a typical Hillary supporter? Or is that more like a Trump supporter? Which of the two has been accused of “propelling bigotry”, incidentally? One of these candidates is likely to get a huge portion of the Latino vote, but it won’t be the one who kicked off his campaign by claiming Mexicans were rapists.

celli 2

Remind me again – who served as Obama’s Secretary of State?

celli 3

Well that’s simple enough. It couldn’t be more obvious. The bomber can’t make up his mind.

celli 5

And he hates Muslims (oh right, he was jailed for wanting to kill them). Clearly it’s Ms. Clinton who has got a running bigotry n’ bombs problem in her campaign. I suppose we should expect to see Donald make the most of all this, pointing out that domestic terrorism is un-patriotic, un-American, etc. We should see it very soon, I imagine. We’re likely to witness it any minute now. Here it comes…


What about Trumpmentum?

I began by writing this in comments to the previous post, but then it went on a bit long. So here it is.

SAm says:

What’s your take on Trumpmentum? He can’t seem to say anything awful or ridiculous enough to get off the hook for the nomination. According to traditional media “gaffeology” (yeah, I just made that up. Apologies) he should have disqualified himself at least a dozen times by now, but the Republican base is just getting more and more aroused.

toma says:

Sigh. ‘Tis a puzzlement. I’ll begin my best guess this way:

…black people being treated equally. Women being allowed to marry each other, legally. A man-made catastrophe threatening the entire planet. These are a series of events overtaking the wingnut world for which bellowing and brainless gut-instinct have no answer. The only way to understand why these things have come about or how to get past them is rational thought, which they deem to be womanly and defeatist. Un-American frankly.

So Trump – the winner, the macho New Yorker – comes around and proceeds to bellow his way past, in the most convincing style, any and all problems without actually bothering to think about any of them. Finally, a no-nonsense candidate with all the answers! He carries the behavioral and the emotional hallmarks of having beaten the system without actually having played the game. He’d be beyond helpless of course if he ever had to face the threats of ISIS, or a sagging economy, or Global Warming, but he’ll at least have made everybody feel good about being American! …in the run-up to the election.

So it looks as if: 1.) Yes Trump could win the whole thing, and… 2.) This is what the brainless party has done to our country.

By embracing the fact-free-bullshit-is-patriotic politics of Rush Limbaugh, David Barton and Mitt Romney, Republicans have created a scenario in which a full-blown narcissist (whose had a life-long clinical need to lie to everybody to sustain his mental state, and who is therefore quite slippery and publicly shameless about such a thing…) is now on track to take charge of the country. To say that this would be a crap-caked disaster would be an understatement.

Unfortunately, it’s too late now for fellow Republicans to collectively come to their senses and thereby take him out. The rank-and-file voters are too far gone for that. Thirty years of Reagan’s ‘Rich people give money to the poors’ and fifteen more of Bush’s ‘Compassionate Conservatism is traumatic brain injury’ have so whipsawed their sensibilities they can no longer tell up from down. It’s laughable for Jeb Bush to try to prick the alleged sanity of his fellow Republicans by painting a rival as “not serious” or a “chaos candidate.” He’s only going to turn right around and say this about the refugee crisis:

“There should be really thorough screening and we should focus on creating safe havens for refugees in Syria rather than bringing them all the way across to the United States… But I do think there is a special important need to make sure that Christians from Syria are being protected because they are being slaughtered in the country.”

This is irrational. It’s not serious. Either the refugees are all trying to escape a war-torn hellhole or they’re all not. Jeb is playing a penny-ante game of Kabuki Christian favoritism and Muslim persecution he can’t possibly win. To wit:

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on,” a campaign press release said.

Game set and match, loser. When The Donald goes, he goes big. Bill Haley may have come up with ‘Rock Around the Clock’ before Elvis Presley was a thing, but hearing that old song only makes most people long for The King. Trump has short-circuited their fact-free politics and come up with the apotheosis of the bellowing vulgarian style. And as long as his rivals continue on in the same vein they’re only running shadow campaigns of the Real McCoy.

Incidentally CBS, ABC and the like are doing a grave disservice to the country by not declaring, “This Man Is Lying To You.” If they’re supposed to be doing something akin to journalism this is not controversial in the least. But no one knows what they’re “supposed” to do anymore. In reality, they’re only interested in making money.

And the main question, perhaps, you’re hinting at? Trump’s intentions? He’s a narcissist. So he’s honestly looking forward to being president, and he doesn’t think the job will be particularly hard.


You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir

Ta-Nehisi is right.

A great many American problems, by Coates’ lights, come from the fact that the nation was simultaneously founded on a messianic self-conception and gruesome injustice — the high moral principles of the Declaration of Independence grafted onto an agrarian slave state.

It is a token of faith in America that every man should be something of a God. That Righteousness be His eternal birthright. So I see no point in asking this man what the hell he was thinking.

An Indiana veteran is baffled that he was arrested on felony charges after opening fire at two shoplifting suspects fleeing a store near his home.

“I thought, ‘Really? A felony charge?’ I’m very well-trained,” said Norman Reynolds, who chased the men out of the Big R store in Elkhart and fired his gun at them when he was unable to catch up, reported WBND-LD.

Because Indiana. Which is smack-dab in the middle of America. This means that Norman Reynolds has the right to summarily execute evildoers of whatever stripe, on all days, everyday, in all circumstances. Although I must admit I’m glad to hear him offer up some law-and-order mumbo-jumbo for drawing a bead and firing the ole’ Wrath of Christ. Such gestures are always polite and well-appreciated, culturally speaking…

“I wanted them to stay there [in the parking lot] until the police arrived,” Reynolds said.

Reynolds has a permit to carry a concealed firearm.

He said he only opened fire because the suspect in the passenger seat of the truck had dropped out of sight and Reynolds didn’t know if the suspect would pop back up with a weapon.

Having chased the shoplifters outside, he was afraid one of them was about to draw a gun on him. I mean, are these people assholes or what? Clearly it had become a dangerous situation, there’s really no arguing about it. These jerks are the type of people who steal things and then run away, after all. It makes perfect sense he would try to murder them. There’s no more effective way of forcing a moving object to remain exactly where they are [forever].

He still has his permit to carry, but Reynolds said this experience has led him to no longer arm himself.

“I really, really feel uncomfortable,” Reynolds said. “So [my wife and I] hardly ever go out. I pretty much stay in my house cause I don’t feel like I can defend myself and I will not be a victim.”

Now he’s not allowed to shoot anybody.

“I have to completely rethink my life now because of this,” Reynolds said.

He’s totally helpless. Thanks, Obama.


Kobe Bryant is the worst

Numbers don’t lie. Considering what Kobe Bryant is doing to the Lakers, he’s the worst basketball player in the league. He’s currently having what can be argued as the worst individual year in the history of the NBA.

Anyone playing this horrible-awful would normally never be allowed to take 18 shots a game – 8 of those being three-pointers, which he usually misses – and use up to 40% of a team’s possessions to chuck up airballs, anchors and bricks (when he’s not turning the ball over, which he does all the time). Any other basketball player would have been benched after the first couple of games and then quietly released, so he can go play for some odd-sounding team in Turkey. But because he’s a legend, because he’s some sort of big deal, Byron Scott and the hostages at Bryant Enabling LLC have decided to stand back and watch the Black Mamba ruin every game the Kobe Chuckers play this year. What a glorious trainwreck.

How disastrous is he? Halftime at Detroit, against a .500 team, the Lakers are down 23 points. Kobe is 0 for 7 with two turnovers. His plus/minus would be…-20. Ho-hum, just another day for the Most Awesome Laker Ever.

For the year, he’s taken about 300 shots and made only 88 of them. That’s not 39%, that’s 29%. As in ‘Whose general manager do I have to fellate to keep this job?’ And from the three-point line? He’s shooting 21.8%. Wait, you say. He shoots 8 three-pointers and then misses 6 of them? More than 6 of them. Every game? Yes. Every game. He must be the worst shooter in the league!

Right you are. Three-point shooting stats are posted for anyone in the NBA who makes on average at least one three-pointer every game. There are 102 players who qualify for the stat. Where is Kobe?

kobe 3 pts

He’s last. And he’s waaaaay behind the other worst shooters in the league – they’re only barely-making a horrendous 27% from behind the arc. He’s a full five percentage points worse than that. And get this: Only two other NBA players shoot more three-pointers than him. You’re telling me the worst long-range shooter in the league shoots more than almost anybody else? Yes. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Makes you wish the Kobe Chuckers had a coach, or a manager, or something. Shall we check in? Why not…it’s the third quarter and he’s currently 0 for 9. Keep chucking, bro. Kobe is on pace to miss a thousand shots this year while the Lakers go 12 and 70 (…for the sixth worst record in league history). Nice going everyone.

And for the apologists who say “Well they don’t have anyone else to go to! He’s on a bad team!” No – Kobe IS the bad team. He’s the worst shooter on the Lakers:

laker shooting

Yet he takes 7 more shots than anyone else (except Clarkson), he takes twice as many three-pointers, and he plays 32 minutes a game. And the fiasco doesn’t get any better when you look at all of the numbers – rebounds, turnovers, etc. Take a look at the Player Efficiency Ratings (PER) for the Laker squad:

laker game stats

Only Larry Nance Jr. (16.9 min, 3.7 fga) and Tarik Black (11.4 mins, 2.9 fga) are playing worse than Bryant. Considering the PER league average for NBA players is 15.0, that is appalling. The numbers are clear: Kobe Bryant is one of the worst players in the league, he’s the worst three-point shooter in the league, and he’s having an epically horrendous year. But with the coach’s blessing, and with the full support of the franchise, he’s going to take the team down with him. Any other Laker could do better than him, because they are doing better than him… but the faithful want to pretend he should continue to get the ball, and throw up grisly wounded geese, and drive the Lakers down dooooown into the most abyss-mal year in all their long history. No, Mamba fans. He should be benched for the rest of the year, or he should retire. Right now, this minute. Oh wait…game over. Kobe went 2 for 15 in a 20-point loss, 1 for 6 from the three-point line. He’s the best. Get out your popcorn, horror fans.


Republicans are fine with Planned Parenthood murders

On June 17th of this year an angry young man named Dylan Roof walked into a Charleston church and shot ten people. Nine of them died. Five months after that horrible day an angry old man named Robert Dear walked into a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood clinic and shot twelve people. Three of them died.

Now how did America’s presidential candidates react to the two tragedies? What did they say about the murders? Were they equally saddened by both of the shootings – one in a church, and the other in a clinic?

No. They were not. In fact the Republican candidates seemed to be perfectly fine with yesterday’s tragedy (maybe even happy about it). While the first shooting clearly broke their hearts, the second one didn’t bother them at all. It’s very strange behavior from a bunch of narcissists who routinely tweet about what they’re eating for lunch to remain completely silent about such terrible news. A policeman was shot dead outside the clinic, which would normally be a perfect opportunity for one of them to do some grandstanding about the death penalty, but they still didn’t give a damn. It’s stunning.

First, for some contrast, let’s look at the Democrats. This is what Hillary Clinton had to say about the Charleston shooting:

And the Colorado Springs shooting:

Here was Bernie Sanders on Charleston:

And on Colorado Springs:

Martin O’Malley on Charleston:

And on Colorado Springs:

Now the Republicans. Here was Donald Trump on the Charleston shooting:

And yesterday, after the shooting in Colorado Springs:

Jeb Bush on Charleston:

And on Colorado Springs:

Marco Rubio on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Mike Huckabee on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Rand Paul on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Ben Carson on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Bobby Jindal on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Rick Perry on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

…that was from Thursday, the day before. The Governor has so far been silent. Rick Santorum on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

…also from the day before. More silence. Lindsey Graham on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Graham’s last Tweet was four days ago.


Chris Christie on Charleston:

On Colorado Springs:

Silence. Scott Walker on Charleston:

And on Colorado Springs:

Silence. George Pataki:

Colorado Springs:

Silence. And lastly, Ted Cruz:

And on the Colorado Springs shooting…

…a miracle! The only Republican.


Today in right-wing terrorism

Three dead and many wounded at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs.

Zigmond Post, who told BuzzFeed News he was a neighbor of Dear’s in Hartsel, said the man once gave him anti-Obama pamphlets.

Post said he once went to Dear’s home to retrieve two dogs that had gotten loose. “We were there for a minute and the guy was already handing us anti-Obama pamphlets,” he said. According to Post, Dear said “Obama was ruining the country and needed to be impeached.”


The Washington Post.

The gunman suspected of storming a Planned Parenthood clinic and killing a police officer and two others told the officers who arrested him “no more baby parts,” after being taken into custody, according to a law enforcement official.

The attack on the clinic was “definitely politically motivated,” the official — who has been briefed on the investigation and spoke on condition of anonymity because it is still unfolding — told The Washington Post.


Then he dug up a copy of Deep Throat on Vimeo

In the midst of all this naked racism and the popularity of its great Republican purveyor, sheesh…have you read Molly Ball’s piece in The Atlantic? This is sad.

“I remember seeing Muslims around the world celebrating after 9/11,” says Chip Matthews, a 63-year-old retired carpentry teacher in glasses with tinted lenses. So what if it was the Mideast and not New Jersey? “The basic point, I think, is true,” he says…

Barnhill, the man with the “balls” button, says, “Like he says, people have got to abide by the law. And unfortunately, a lot of minorities don’t.”

Donald is tapping into the worse angels of our nature.

“I’m against the anchor babies, and I’m against the Muslims,” says Kathy Parker, a tiny former elementary-school teacher with gold hoop earrings. “We can’t have churches in their countries—why should they have mosques in ours? He is the only one with the guts to speak out and say it.”

This Kathy person is essentially an anti-American. An anti-Constitutionalist. Anyway, in the midst of all this sinister stupidity I’m thankful today for the benign version.

Google deems Bernie Sanders’ economic plan a ‘phishing scam’

Over at Rev. Moon’s Washington Times, political reporter Stephen Dinan has got the Bernie Sanders campaign backed into a corner. The lede:

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernard Sanders’ economic plan triggered Gmail’s “phishing scam” antenna, with the mail system saying the senator’s liberal campaign promises — including lower prescription drug prices and free college for all — sound like frauds.

Forget the ‘who what when where’ of muck-raking journalism. All you need to do to break the next Watergate scandal is click a link in your e-mail and then watch what your computer does next.

“Be careful with this message. It contains content that’s typically used to steal personal information,” Gmail said in a bright red warning box that appeared at the top of a message sent by Mr. Sanders’ campaign Friday, laying out his “Agenda for Working Families.”

Is this Dinan good, or what? Most the rest of us would’ve started slapping our monitors, but he knew better. The Google is seeing right through your facade, Senator.

“A regression in the spam filter’s machine learning framework was determined to be the root cause. The issue affected only a very small percentage of the overall email received by Gmail and it has now been resolved,” the representative said.

Oops. That’s not it.

Ira Winkler, president of Secure Mentem and a cybersecurity specialist, said the campaign likely triggered Gmail’s filters because it included phrases that spammers use to try to sell prescription drugs and by offering things free of charge — in this case, the promise to pay for education at public colleges and universities.

There. THAT’S it. The corruption of debt-free education – whew, good thing Google caught it. Here’s the real-life screenshot Dinan provided:

sanders scam

So, you see? He wasn’t lying. This really did happen in his e-mail, the way he said it did. Meanwhile, after clicking on his SandersScam post, the multi-tentacled Moonie Times opened up three new browser windows in my box (not tabs – windows), including an offer to attend one of those ‘Rich Uncle, Poor Uncle’ seminars, which of course is in no way a scam. As is nothing and no one remotely associated with the Rev. Moon.


Life After Death

What a windfall for The Patriots, huh? All of those French people killed, in far-off Paris. Pardonne moi – all of those Freedom people killed, ha suck it peacenik Euro pukes…[record scratch]…err, uhhh liberté egalité fraternité! I’m Franco-phalle! Vive les Big Nose-oise! Western Civilization rules! Yeah sure, you read that right – and you know what else? We already know exactly why this happened. This happened because…duh duh duh: They hate us for our Loving Christian Ways. Well if that isn’t the Chicken McNuggets of veritable truth. Y’okay, whatever, woo hoo! Red white and blue! Thousand foot aircraft carriers! No fly zones! Guided air strikes! Suck it irritable Arab pukes.

Have to say it couldn’t come at a better time, what with the Politics.

“Americans realize that the #1 goal of our government is not to protect the image of Islam. It’s to protect American citizens.”

Mike Huckabee couldn’t get the li’l ole ladies in Li’l Rock to answer Gallup’s phone calls, so it looked as if no one gave him a good god damn. Now the Baptist preacher is targeting followers of a rival religion – how surprising is that? I see a percentage bump in the polls coming, which is totally worth the sectarian cleansing. The guy wants to be president of Amerikkka, fair play to him.

Chris Christie wheels around from the buffet table, and strikes:

This president believes that global leadership is his fight on climate change while we have a quarter of a million people killed in Syria, and while we have now hundreds killed and wounded in the streets of Paris… The misuse of the Pope and the mischaracterization is typical rhetoric from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to disguise the fact that they don’t begin to understand that our first job is to protect the homeland… And now, believe me, there will be someone else to blame if there is an attack on American soil.

Apparently there are Democrats to blame for terrorism in Europe and Asia. As for attacks on American soil…

…it is because of the leadership that was provided by President George W. Bush, by Attorney General John Ashcroft, by Director Mueller at the FBI, and by the U.S. attorneys across this country…that were able to make sure that we didn’t have that happen again.

…Republicans managed to stop the other ones. Yeah there’s a 2001 terrorist attack that really matters, but it doesn’t count (no backsies). Senior year I clanked a free throw that would’ve won the city championship, but I finally made it yesterday [whew]. I was playing for the Driveway Deacons at the time – who wants to know?

“It’s not our obligation to take in all of the challenges of the world,” Bush said following an appearance at Wholly Smokin’ BBQ here Tuesday afternoon.

Says the guy who wants to invade Syria and Iran and send 100,000 American gunners back to you-know-where.

“There aren’t any Christian terrorists in the Middle East; they’re persecuted minorities,” said Bush…

“You can prove you’re a Christian,” he said. “I think you can prove it. If you can’t prove it, you err on the side of caution.”

Walked across the desert he did, with a Bible in each hand. Had a tattoo of Jesus on one arm and Timothy McVeigh on the other. And when he laid a hug on the dusty lad, Jeb couldn’t believe how ripped his abs were. Incidentally who does J.E. Bush think made it possible for ISIS to take over the Middle East – Hezbollah? When he stares across the table at Thanksgiving, whose beady-eye face does he see? Ricochet Rabbit?

Tuesday night, in an interview with Sean Hannity, Trump said he’d been “told by very, very good sources” that among Syrians, “if you’re a Christian, you can’t get into the United States,” but it’s easy “if you’re a Muslim.”

Now the cat’s out of the bag. Caliph Obama has been playing secret politics with an international crisis to favor a people he’s never met but adores from afar – the Musselmen of Aram. Who knew a loudmouth billionaire could outwit the Muslim mind? How taqiyya, President Imam. Verrry taqiyya.


Ben Carson n’ The Psych Exam

Ben Carson is crazy, that much we know. We’re only bickering over whether MAOIs or tricyclics would put the patient back in touch with his senses. Because let’s be honest it’s funny as hell to watch a dog chase its tail but after an hour or so there are ethical considerations. There are also aesthetic considerations vis-a-vis the rug, which I can tell you does not well tolerate vomit (long night). Hey sometimes it’s fun being a liberal…for a few minutes. It’s a thrill to point and laugh…in Nelson Muntz’s world. And would that not be fun? Yourself running with a darting red kite, into a bristling wind atop a towering cliff in crisp Monterey County, aside a crested roiling sea in a boner pill ad, ha ha. Kindness and decency put the Magnificent Frigates of fantasy to ground, now isn’t that better?

Carson provided the world with a stirring account of being feted by his psych professor after being subjected to a cruel fake examination (hyuk-hyuk ‘To see who was the most honest student in the class.’). But the novel-worthy tale of a soul-vetting by the Lord and His Teacher turned out to be his jerk classmates writing for a humor magazine and playing a prank on freshmen.

“When I read about the story in the Wall Street Journal, I immediately said, to my wife and friend, ‘That was the prank we played at the [Yale] Record! And Ben Carson was in the class,’” said Bakal, who noted he wasn’t actually present during the taking of the fake test. “We did a mock parody of the Yale Daily News during the exam period in January 1970, and in this parody we had a box that said: ‘So-and-so section of the exam has been lost in a fire. Professor so-and-so is going to give a makeup exam.’”

“We got a room to do the test in and one of us from the Record impersonated a proctor to give the test,” he said.

And Ben of all people – can you imagine? – ended up being the most gullible.

The new exam, Mr. Carson recalled in the book, was much tougher. All the students but Mr. Carson walked out.

“The professor came toward me. With her was a photographer for the Yale Daily News who paused and snapped my picture,” Mr. Carson wrote. “ ‘A hoax,’ the teacher said. ‘We wanted to see who was the most honest student in the class.’ ” Mr. Carson wrote that the professor handed him a $10 bill.

Yale’s ‘most honest student’ was so stupid he couldn’t grasp he was the butt of a joke. To this day he doesn’t understand what happened. The pranksters apparently felt so sorry for him, the world’s biggest pigeon, that they put a ten-spot in his pocket and shooed him out the door with a broom. He still believes (really!) that he earned the admiration and praise of his psych professor and His Eminence, and that such an thing comes with a front page photograph, a few bucks of well-deserved reward, and a presidential nomination after recounting the story in a gripping autobiography. Ben ignores the evidence that he was a fool, Ben rather assumes he was chosen by God.

It is tempting to want to compare Carson with the fanciful liberator of Buchenwald, Ronald Reagan, in his benighted second term, during which Don Regan probably had to take Li’l Ronnie by the hand from time to time to relieve the WWII hero. But the current GOP frontrunner has been this way his entire life.

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