A Medieval holy war, Mr. President? You’re soaking in it.

Once again the troller-in-chief has dropped a bit of wisdom on his enemies. You can all rest assured that it will be quite some time before they can manage to stop tearing their hair out, tossing dirt on their heads and rending all their garments. You have to admit, the president’s gotten pretty good at this game.

At the National Prayer Breakfast last week, conservatives accused President Barack Obama of comparing Christianity to the Islamic terrorist group ISIS when he observed that many religions had been used to justify violence throughout history.

“So we’re responsible for the Crusades a thousand years ago?” [Tucker] Carlson complained. “Who’s ‘us’ anyway? And by the way, who ended slavery and Jim Crow? Christians. The Rev. Martin Luther King. Christians.”

“Christianity is the reason we don’t have slavery in the world today,” he added.

Christianity is the most popular religion in this planet’s history, yet there are more people toiling in slavery today than ever before. Weirdly, Tucker Carlson is somehow wrong again. Fox News:

The President may be correct, and he may have made some great points, but the folks at Fox News see this as yet another Obama attack on Christianity. In fact, according to host Eric Bolling, Christians are entirely innocent of any wrongdoing…

“Reports say radical Muslim jihadists killed thousands of people in the past few months alone. And yet when you take Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, whatever, their combined killings in the name of religion––well, that would be zero.”

Here’s a bit of trivia for you: Israel has no constitution. Why is that? Well, how do you square a “Jewish State” with the “separation of church and state”? You’d have to dispense with any equivalent to our establishment clause, followed by the first amendment, and then you’d have to go through the wrenching process of spelling out what role religion should play in the government. Then you’d have yourself a big political problem, attended likely by some left vs. right-wing rioting in the streets, or even a civil war. What I’m saying is that Israel recognizes that whatever it does, it does in part to “defend Judaism.” Because of that, it’s not interested in sacrificing national cohesion for the sake of having a proper constitution. And given what Israel does on a day-to-day basis, I think we can dispatch with Bolling’s argument.

But of all the responses to Obama’s reasonable historical point-making, here’s the weirdest one, from “national security and terrorism correspondent for PJMedia” Patrick Poole:

Controversy still swirls around Obama’s comments during the National Prayer Breakfast this week, where he chastised Christians for getting on their “high horse” over the ongoing global jihad, invoking medieval abuses that occurred hundreds of years ago during the Crusades and Inquisition.

But perhaps it is Obama who should avoid getting on his high horse, since according to recently published statistics, Obama’s drone campaign has killed more people during the six years of his presidency than were killed the 350 years of the Spanish Inquisition.

What a non-sequitur. Friends, some of us are outraged by what the Taliban or ISIS will do to infidels (to the Yazidis for example), but let’s remember what our Christianist forebears were doing to Muslims, and Jews, during the Crusades. Poole’s counter argument to that is pointing out the death toll in our foreign policy? Highlighting the drone war against overseas terrorists, which he himself supports?

Bizarre. Then again, maybe not inexplicable. You look at the writings of this Poole guy and you see a man who is obsessed with The Muslims. Obsessed with their hopelessly evil lives and reflexively terrorist ways.

The Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), which bills itself as “the largest Islamic umbrella organization in North America,” is meeting in Washington, D.C., this weekend for its annual conference. One former ISNA speaker won’t be in attendance this year — al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki was killed in a CIA drone strike in Yemen on September 30, 2011.

On September 1, 2001, just days before the 9/11 attacks, Awlaki gave an infamous lecture on “tolerance” at the 2001 ISNA convention, just as some of his disciples were preparing to launch the largest terrorist attack in American history.

And:

In 2011, terrorism expert Patrick Poole took it one step further. “The Muslim Students Association has been a virtual terror factory,” Poole contended. “Time after time after time again, we see these terrorists – and not just fringe members: these are MSA leaders, MSA presidents, MSA national presidents – who’ve been implicated, charged and convicted in terrorist plots.”

They include al Qaeda cleric and Colorado State University student Anwar al-Awlaki, who was killed in a drone strike following his orchestration of the Fort Hood massacre and other plots…

Poole can find tracks from the multi-headed international terrorist hydra that go right back to American Muslim groups like the Muslim Student Association and the Islamic Society of North America. And these associations are with Muslims so dangerous…we had to execute them with drones! But then the president mentions the Crusades, and out he crawls:

So Barack Obama has killed at least 2,500 in drone strikes during the six years of his presidency, not including those killed in Iraq or Afghanistan. The Spanish Inquisition reportedly killed 2,250 over 350 years.

So it’s all hypocrisy. I mean, the Spanish Inquisition would kill you for taking the Lord’s name in vain? Obama will kill you for trying to blow up American civilians! Touché, sir.

It’s all quite nonsensical…until it isn’t. Credit Twitter for the solving of this mystery. Poole doesn’t twit much himself, but he sure loves to re-tweet something when it catches his fancy:

Patrick believes that the Crusades were all ‘just wars.’ The slaughter of hundreds of thousands of people at the hands of marauding Christians was all quite in keeping with decent and civilized behavior. By way of First Things, here’s why:

But the Crusades…were holy wars, and that is what made them different from what came before. They were made holy not by their target but by the Crusaders’ sacrifice… Crusaders who undertook that burden with right intention and after confessing their sins would receive a plenary indulgence. The indulgence was a recognition that they undertook these sacrifices for Christ, who was crucified again in the tribulations of his people.

And the sacrifices were extraordinary.

You like that? And you thought today’s Christians had learned to avoid foisting this sort of holy bullshit. But you were wrong.

In each case, the faithful went to war to defend Christians, to punish the attackers, and to right terrible wrongs. As Riley-Smith has written elsewhere, crusading was seen as an act of love—specifically the love of God and the love of neighbor. By pushing back Muslim aggression and restoring Eastern Christianity, the Crusaders were—at great peril to themselves—imitating the Good Samaritan. Or, as Innocent II told the Knights Templar, “You carry out in deeds the words of the gospel, ‘Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.’”

Now it all makes sense right? This Global War on Terror is only their latest act of Christian love, and Barack Obama is their lay-commander-in-chief. Folks like Poole don’t mind at all that the president’s foreign policy has killed so many Muslims overseas, innocent civilians most damningly because, if you didn’t yet know, this is the Great Post-Modern Crusade. The newest and most epic battle between good and evil. They only dislike his unwillingness to admit that a holy war is what he, and the rest of us, are really waging. Which is certainly cause to point out his cowardice – not to mention hypocrisy.

For comparative purposes, I would note, as I reported here at PJ Media last month, that Boko Haram reportedly killed 2,000 over several days in a massacre in Northern Nigeria.

Be careful of the fall off that high horse, Mr. President…

Of course if he’d ever gotten off his holy steed, and somebody like Anwar al-Awlaki had somehow managed to kill someone, the yelling and garment-rending would increase by a hundred-fold. And suddenly the president would be seen mounted upon an entirely different kind of horse, and carrying an APPEASEMENT coat of arms.

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A crazy little thing called crud

Here comes one Rand Paul, who is quite a big deal. Depending on which poll you choose he’s either the early Republican presidential frontrunner or a top tier candidate. So it really should be of some interest to us when he gets around to speaking his considerable mind. After all he could become, with some luck, and ‘bad’ happens to count for some, the next Most Powerful Man On The Planet.

And so I had my (children’s vaccines) staggered over several months. I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines. I’m not arguing vaccines are a bad idea. I think they are a good thing, but I think the parent should have some input. The state doesn’t own your children.

As these events, where one child after another is struck down by something like infectious retardation after getting a shot, did neither fairly nor remotely happen this is a troubling statement. The senator remains somehow unaware of all the children who ended up getting the not-measles after receiving proper vaccinations. Apparently Rand Paul’s life is either being played out inside a horror film or he is sadly himself suffering a profound mental disorder. Whatever the case Rand would not likely make a good president. Given the chance, and enough votes, he could, in some understandable but ultimately misguided attempt to thwart the Sheepshead Zombies, blow up our world. Count me out.

Meantime do take note:

Melanie’s Marvelous Measles is available on Amazon, and sets out to persuade 4-10-year-old children that the measles is actually pretty fun, has no serious possible side-effects, and is something kids should look forward to getting.

Fun fact. Bubonic Plague is Your Pal!

The book includes such inspired medical advice as:

· measles is easily avoided by drinking melon juice
· vaccines weaken the human immune system,
· getting measles strengthens it (as does melon juice).

And just how many Republicans think that vaccines lead to autism? Twenty-six percent of their half of America, meaning many millions. But more importantly, what in the world does Glenn Beck think?

“Is it possible we have been lied to about the measles, this outbreak, and that we are now being told all kinds of things for one purpose, for the herd mentality to get us all to grab out children and obey the government?,” Beck asks…

Meanwhile, Beck, who claims to be “pro-family” and “pro-life,” last year stood up and applauded parents who refused to vaccinate their kids.

And earlier this week, Beck pointed to the thoroughly debunked claim of a link between vaccines and autism, and insisted anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children – are being persecuted, like the Catholic Church persecuted Galileo.

Funny that. Why it is we still remember this science-fellow is no mystery, for reasons that currently (and will likely eternally) elude these cruds. Namely that in his battle with the August and Magisterial Church, it was Galileo who proved to be the sane one. You see the hitch.

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Crash and burn, Brian Williams

It’s comes to me as no surprise that Brian Williams is quite full of it.

The story actually started with a terrible moment a dozen years back during the invasion of Iraq when the helicopter we were traveling in was forced down after being hit by an RPG. Our traveling NBC News team was rescued, surrounded and kept alive by an armor mechanized platoon from the U.S. Army 3rd Infantry.

He’s always come off as a smarmy lightweight, quick to have you ooh and aah before him for his a.) being from working class New Jersey, which is embarrassing and b.) working as a teenage volunteer firefighter, which would be a little more impressive if I’d ever thought for a minute any of this was remotely true:

I remember one such house fire — the structure was fully involved with flames and smoke. I was wearing a breathing apparatus, conducting a search on my hands and knees, when I felt something warm, squishy and furry on the floor of a closet. I instinctively tucked it in my coat. When I got outside, I saw two small eyes staring up at me, and I returned the 3-week-old (and very scared) puppy to its grateful owners.

OH I have no idea what this furry thing is but I’ll just shove it in my pocket. And I’ll crawl my way from out of the conflagration, just to look down now and see…two beady eyes? WHY A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY I NEVER! What are the odds? Surprising how these things can happen. And that’s all for this edition of doin’ the Old Soft Shoe up my own ass, I’m Brian Williams.

As you can see there appear to be two eternal truths when considering the life and times of our senior Fire Marshal. He has always felt the need to lie, and he has always been terrible at it.

Which makes these video clips even funnier today. They’re a series of glossy promotional ads, with aural gravitas lent them by Michael Douglas, that NBC shot for the tenth anniversary of the ascendancy of Crash & Burn B-Dub to their nightly news anchor chair. And just how did they portray their gutty hero? Well see for yourself, look at the titles: ‘Experience’, ‘What Matters’, and ‘Battle Scars’ (hup, hold your tongues). I’m sure you would agree, friends, that whenever we think about Him it’d be those specific things – stop giggling dammit – that are all essential to making Brian… BRIAN.

It’s a thing that you build slowly over time. It can happen during big moments. More often its the day to day things. And what you build, if you work hard enough, if you respect it, is a powerful thing…called ‘Trust.’

That’s right. If you only work hard enough. And if you respect it, the way Brian respects, for example, being in a Chinook helicopter that gets shot right down to the ground, which would be frankly scary, and by ‘shot down’ I mean in the fu’realz like a rebel rocket hitting your flying ship which then causes the flying to cease, along with your continuing to live, maybe, unless the pilot can somehow manage to crash-land it – because god knows anyone could just say something crazy like that without it really being true, which is not a very big deal, juxtaposed with perhaps having your airship blasted out of the sky over enemy territory while you were sitting in the back of it, except for a certain someone’s bald-faced lying on the TV news, right? – what you build is a thing called… ‘Trust.’

Of course were the opposite to be true, if a certain news-person didn’t give a good goddamn about respect, or the truth, then far beyond me a great deal many people would suddenly realize he was quite full of shit. And a certain conglomerate-network that had contracted to pay him millions of dollars would be in a very very bad situation, indeed.

UH-OH: There’s blood in the water

A Louisiana newspaper on Friday raised questions about tales that NBC News anchor Brian Williams has told publicly about his reporting from New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina.

Did he embellish his Hurricane Katrina experiences?

Williams said in a 2006 interview that he had watched the body of a man float by him in New Orleans’ famed French Quarter.

“When you look out of your hotel window in the French Quarter and watch a man float by face down, when you see bodies that you last saw in Banda Aceh, Indonesia, and swore to yourself that you would never see in your country,” Williams said.

But as the Advocate pointed out, the French Quarter is situated in an elevated part of the city. Various media reports since 2005 have noted that the tourist-heavy neighborhood was spared from the kind of devastating flooding that the Lower Ninth Ward suffered.

And what about that bout of hurricane dysentery?

Then in a 2014 interview with his predecessor Tom Brokaw, Williams said he inadvertently drank some floodwater and got terribly sick.

“My week, two weeks there was not helped by the fact that I accidentally ingested some of the floodwater,” he told Brokaw. “I became very sick with dysentery, our hotel was overrun with gangs, I was rescued in the stairwell of a five-star hotel in New Orleans by a young police officer. We are friends to this day. And it just was — I look back at total agony.”

Dr. Brobson Lutz, a former city health director who provided emergency health services in the French Quarter during the storm, told the Advocate that the neighborhood was “never wet.” As for Williams’ story of coming down with dysentery, he said he’d never heard of anything like that.

“I saw a lot of people with cuts and bruises and such, but I don’t recall a single, solitary case of gastroenteritis during Katrina or in the whole month afterward,” Lutz told the Advocate.

As for drinking floodwater (…umm?) Lutz adds: “I don’t know anybody that’s tried that to see, but my dogs drank it, and they didn’t have any problems.” It’s been nice knowing you, Brian…

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I think I’ll take global warming denialist for FAIL, Alex

One of Townhall’s finest comes forth to mock the entire climate science community.

Were you hit this week by all the climate change?

As you know it was the scientists, and not the weather geeks, who told us Juno was the sort of storm that would lay us all in our graves.

…thanks to the mainstream media, the whole nation was covered in climate change. The only thing missing from the coverage was any proof, but that doesn’t stop the alarmists.

Because when a massive storm buries a huge swath of the East Coast under two feet of snow, but it fails to do likewise in New York City, the guys who contemplate Iron Age tree rings for a living are quite dumb. To point and laugh at those people while being a moron yourself makes for a bit of irony. Derek.

This week gave us more examples of just how clueless and dedicated the devout members of the Holy Church of Global Warming truly are…

Clueless, eh? Do tell.

…Sachs said he’d asked a colleague “what the record is for mega snowfalls. He points out that since record keeping started in 1869, five of the 10 biggest snowstorms have come since 2003. So suggests that we’re seeing a lot more of this kind of extreme event.” The only problem is it’s not true.

The only problem is it’s absolutely true. But for the fact that it is flawlessly true. See here. If you wanted to come up with a perfect definition of “truth” for your new dictionary you could just write “Please see five of the worst snowstorms that hit New York since 2003.” Derek can’t reach up his own ass and pull out the simplest historical fact, yet look at the epithets Uber-Man tosses around so authoritatively in his screed: alarmists, failed, failing, incoherent, rambling, sock-puppet, bobbleheads, asinine, cultists. And let’s take note of why everybody else other than Awesome Derek is so dumb:

Bill Nye “the Mechanical Engineering Guy” (that is, after all, what his degree is in. He’s not a scientist, he’s a failed actor who was cast as “the Science Guy” for a local TV show after failing as a comedian)…

MSNBC contributor Jeffrey Sachs was on to make another asinine claim…Sachs, an economist and not a scientist, responded with an “Amen!” by giving the highly scientific answer of “Certainly scientists think so.”

That an economist or a mechanical engineer could know anything about global warming is too preposterous to consider. Should your whatever layperson want to delve into the byzantine details of stone cold climate science, have them pull up a chair, and get out a fresh notepad, and listen with rapt attention to…

Derek the Climate Genius

…a radio goof. And a genius at that:

Apparently the “scientists” at Columbia University’s “Earth Institute,” which Sachs runs, don’t have access to Google. I do, and I used it to easily disprove that lie.

…and there they go, all the facts Derek could manage “to easily disprove that lie.” He buried them all in some links that he somehow found on the Google. Sure, they’re not a couple millenia worth of Arctic ice cores stored under lock and key in a university cold room, but just click on them. They will prove once and for all that New York has not suffered any climate change related high-precipitation winter events over the last 12 years (the warmest on record, cough).

The first link, for example. It ranks the ten worst snowstorms of the last 125 years…to be found on all planet Earth. Ha Ha New York, only one of your recent blizzards made the global list. The second link takes the time to detail four of New York’s worst winter storms, but apparently only two of those have occurred since 2006. Two out of four is way less than five out of ten – jinx! You lose! The third link (see “easily disprove”) shows what a record-setting storm Juno was for a host of East Coast cities. But for New York? It was only the 25th biggest on record. You want to find out about the Big Apple’s biggest storms, you have to look at the disaster graphic that shows two of the top five have happened in the last nine seasons. This, I think, makes for a 40% cut of a double-helping of crow for the climate scientists. Remember, those idiots swore that 50% of an even bigger list was somehow meaningful. And the final link? The coup de grace? Of course it’s another list of the greatest snow-dumps in the history of our planet. Which, if New York was in anyway serious about, trying to compete with all the other regions global- and warming-wise, it should have found a way to top by now. Pretty lame.

So the day after Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck blew up the asteroid containing “Snowmageddon” and saved the east coast, Boston was digging itself out from under what it has been digging itself out from under in every winter since Boston was founded.

Derek’s point being that it was just another typical winter day. Nothing like an historic event, see:

Tuesday’s massive snowstorm is officially among Boston’s biggest ever recorded after dumping 24.6 inches of snow on the city, according to the National Weather Service.

The storm is now Boston’s sixth-largest snowstorm ever. It falls just behind the February 2013 blizzard, which brought 24.9 inches of snow. Tuesday’s storm took over the No. 6 spot from the January 2005 snowstorm, which blanketed Boston with 22.5 inches of snow.

Juno was nothing like the blizzard of two years ago – that was epic. It was a far cry from the whopping blast of ten years ago, boy howdy that sucked. But if Juno had been anywhere near as bad as those two, you might start to wonder if there were some sort of trend of really nasty snowstorms pounding Boston over the last decade. You might even wonder why great piles of snow kept falling from the sky.

But not Derek, he doesn’t have the time for such nonsense. His days are taken up with the business of proving how much smarter he is than you. And the business of being smarter than all the climate nerds, and the clouds. And the pouring rain.

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You started it, bitch

As for giving as good as he gets, Barack Obama isn’t just talented. He’s brilliant. He’s by far the wittiest president we’ve had in the last 50 years.

Touché. This is funny:

Nice Elon. Of course the president being – once again – such a divisive little man (he wears it like a suit of skin) only drives Republicans deeper into their homeland of butthurt. Mind you, we know exactly what he meant to say in his address because the text was released beforehand, so the jibe was clearly ad-libbed. It was only an answer to the Republicans trolling him with a sarcastic ovation. Nonetheless, he’s really a very nasty little tar baby politician.

Washington Times:

“Obama calls for civility, then immediately taunts Republicans over his two presidential wins”

Actually, Obama calls for civility and then Republicans immediately taunt him. So he answers back – and that’s where the brutality begins. These people are such a bunch of entitled jerks they think they own the franchise. Weekly Standard:

“Video: Obama Taunts Republicans: ‘I Know Because I Won Both of Them’”

Is there such a word as ‘back-taunt’? Not that they would dare use it, I’m just curious. Breitbart:

“Obama Gloats: ‘I Know Because I Won Both of Them’”

How about the word ‘gloat-counter’? Or ‘parry-gloat’? They sound as if he’s been giving them the wet willy for six years and they can no longer think. Comments?

• Regardless of politics, you got to admit, that was lacking class

• There is nothing “badass” about this homosexual illegal alien Usurper in the WH calling himself Obama he’s just a sock puppet for President Jarrett anyway.

• He slaps like a weak effeminate

…so the quip is a big nothing, but what a classless little fag he is for using it. Got it. This Bloomberg headline I love, trolling Obama’s trolling of the GOP’s trolling:

“He Won Two, But Obama’s Speech Shows There’s Always a Next Election”

So I guess we’ll see you Mr. Obama in 2017…aaaw but you won’t be around any more, will ya? I wonder how long it took them to come up with a riposte, probably about an hour longer than their target. Look, it’s the Former Virgin:

One wonders if Ben and his remarkable civility can remember Rep. Wilson interrupting a previous Obama speech with perhaps the classiest State of the Union moment ever.

Why yes of course Ben does, because last year he used Joe’s very classy SOTU hissy-fit to point out that liberals are all liars. As always, with these people, what constitutes fair play turns on the core belief that they are the powerless. In that miserable state it’s only proper to let them be as class-independent as they like…

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It’s D’Crepit, it’s D’Mented, it’s D’Souza

And so there I was, drunk. As I usually am on any night before a holiday. Why not, Martha? And I was playing some darts at the English pub up the ways. I had all of 50 points left to win my last game, and what did I do? I went and threw a double bullseye. Yep, that’s right. And I thought ‘Well now that’s some Michael Jordan shit right there.’

But for sheer balls I could never manage a D’Souza tweet. Buddha no, that’s out of my league. I’d have to throw idling oil tankers at the bullseye with my eyes closed, hitting it 99 times in a row, then throw the battered dartboard into deep space, striking a particular streaking Van Allen Belt helium atom and shattering it into its substantive protons and neutrons, with the particles doing the fling galactic, getting sucked into the four corners of space-time, wherein roiling monstrous black holes spew said atom bits into wholly separate universes, from which nothing, no thing – ever – could remotely be said to ever come back. And then. The bits would have to zoom right back to the English Pub and – skree! – stop on a dime to form a drunken pyramid, and sing the Wonderama theme song to an amused crowd while I stood in the bathroom peeing on one of those bullseye urinal cakes, with a mounting sense of Deja Vu, a long time before I ever was born. For me to compare myself to Martin Luther King, Junior.

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And now the Amazing Kreskin will invade, shortly

Politico does some hot dishing about a certain celebrity:

As Mitt Romney’s supporters push the idea that the 2012 Republican nominee might run for president again, one of their core talking points is that Romney was a foreign policy prophet in the last campaign.

He took on John Bolton as his principle foreign policy adviser. And millions of people have since been slaughtered for any number of reasons around the world, so that was certainly of a piece.

His vindication on several scores, they argue, gives him a rationale to run again — and a leg up on his potential Republican rivals.

Willard’s vindication stemming from his vomiting the usual bilious corn-bedazzled oleo of right-wing paranoia and violence for its own sake, thank you. But seeing as how this is Politico, we are at least provided an a la carte menu of his 2012 global psychic masterstrokes. Witness how he – and only he – somehow knew the knowing of the ultimate if only somehow it could be somehow known. Take note of how he did see the seeing of the cryptically impenetrable unpossible never reasonably to be seen:

He saw Vladimir Putin as a threat to peace.

But not the president. He never saw that, golly no.

He insisted that radical Islam was spreading.

Obama? He assured us that radical Islam had just breathed its last rasping breath and expired underneath the crackling hot lights of the dance floor, much like the Lambada.

He warned that Iraq was at risk without American troops to stabilize it.

I remember the president somewhat having a handle on this one. But when Iraq no longer wants you around, and your own country has grown tired of kickin’ it in a slaughterhouse – a soul- and self-grinding enterprise, truly – what are you gonna do? Call in an airstrike on Bush and Cheney’s Status of Forces agreement?

C’mon, but seriously now. Let’s not quibble, let’s get to the point. Who knew the What? And the When? Because the point to be made here is that there’s a critical difference between the winner in 2012 and the loser, and that difference is…waaait for it…

…And he was right.

Mitt was right. That’s the key point, and there’s nothing more to be said. Of course if we’d elected him president, the way that Politico seems to think he deserved to be, thousands more Americans would have by now died in Iraq, in Syria, and in the Crimea. And, praise be gracious thanks to John Bolton, nice job their walrus snoot, we’d currently have a couple hundred thousand soldiers crawling on their bellies toward the bright and fiery lights of Tehran. What in the world were we thinking…

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Religious fundamentalism making a nightmare of this world

Regarding the horrific massacre at Charlie Hebdo, I am in full agreement with Charlie.

This is the mass, unbridled, brainless Id of the barbarian at war with modernity in all its expressions. This is where anti-science leads, where a contempt for education leads, where the suppression of women leads, where marrying political fanaticism to religious fervor almost always leads. This is where theocracy brings us, over and over again.

And to say this in America is no small thing. It’s nowhere near as courageous, or dangerous, as printing cartoons of the prophet Mohammed on your magazine’s front page after having your office firebombed. But to call attention to the ever-lurking dangers of politically ravenous Christianism is to earn focused hatred from our own right-wing.

Because by way of the their unholy triumvirate, alongside Big Money and Big Business, Republican politics is wholly owned by the Big Prophet: Jesus Christ. When was the last time, for instance, you heard a Republican run for the Oval Office without receiving His singular blessing? T’would be unthinkable, because conservatives demand that their potential government servants be divinely and fervently empowered – and strictly, only – by Him. Michelle Bachmann:

“God then called me to run for the United States Congress,” she said. “Who in their right mind would spend two years to run for a job that lasts for two years? You’d have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ.”

Herman Cain:

“I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m a man of faith,” Cain said. “And when I finally realized that it was God saying that this is what I needed to do, I was like Moses. ‘You’ve got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?’”

Rick Perry:

“I’m getting more and more comfortable every day that this is what I’ve been called to do. This is what America needs.”

Rick Santorum:

“People have asked me…over these last 18 months whether I’m running, and I always say, ‘I’m walking.’ And I’m walking because I’m trying to walk in the path that God’s leading me in…”

You will note that each one of these holy-rollers led Republican polling at one time or another in the 2012 campaign. But I’m not here to allege that these people are, or would be, prone to political violence. What I’m here to tell you is that any politics which must be subservient to religion is dangerous. It’s a politics crafted to be a weapon for the few and the pure, and, thus, wholly threatening to Western-style democracy. Here to demonstrate the dangers of dominion I give you the President of the Catholic League, conservative icon Bill Donohue:

“Stephane Charbonnier, the paper’s publisher, was killed today in the slaughter,” he wrote. “It is too bad that he didn’t understand the role he played in his tragic death. In 2012, when asked why he insults Muslims, he said, ‘Muhammad isn’t sacred to me.’ Had he not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Donohue lays the blame for Charbonnier’s shocking murder at the foot of his casket. He warns: “Mister if you think you’re someone who can just say whatever he pleases, you’re a real narcissist. Don’t be surprised when the true believers you run afoul of show up to blow your head off.” This is not a traditional American attitude, you know? Perhaps that view was once in vogue when the defenders of the faith felt the need to burn witches, but we’ve managed to cobble together a Constitution – with notable amendments – since then. Usually we carry these free speech conceits around with us while addressing related matters, but Donohue hasn’t noticed:

“What unites Muslims in their anger against Charlie Hebdo is the vulgar manner in which Muhammad has been portrayed. What they object to is being intentionally insulted over the course of many years. On this aspect, I am in total agreement with them.

As if some religious beliefs are held so dearly, by some people, that our own Bill of Rights really ought to defer on the relevant points. Perhaps we might call it then A Bill of Particulars, as custom-ordered by well-loved religions. The First Amendment ought to bow and scrape to Christendom first, of course, followed by Judaism second, and then, somewhere down the line, past some zanier sects of Voodoo and Beatlemania, eventually Islam (time permitting).

Of course anyone who would wholly empower their private religious beliefs to dictate a nation’s multi-cultural post-modern politics isn’t interested in what anyone outside that belief system ultimately thinks, or feels. They’re not interested in power-sharing. They’re not interested in compromise. They’re not even interested in what Christ himself would think of such apartheid. They only want to Hosanna unmolested inside their members-only construct while all you outsiders disappear. Which is why Bill Donohue is such an asshole.

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New Goldberg is both a floor wax AND a dessert topping

January of 2008. George W. Bush is a thoroughly despised figure. He’s seen as a cockish man-child whose stubborn stupidity has killed thousands of American soldiers and tens of thousands of women and children overseas. As a result, there’s little hope for any Republican in the approaching November election. Chafing from the criticism, Jonah Goldberg debuts his epic whine, Liberal Fascism.

The first appearance of modern totalitarianism in the Western world wasn’t in Italy or Germany but in the United States of America. How else would you describe a country where the world’s first modern propaganda ministry was established; political prisoners by the thousands were harassed, beaten, spied upon, and thrown in jail simply for expressing private opinions; the national leader accused foreigners or immigrants of injecting treasonous “poison into the American bloodstream;” newspapers and magazines were shut down for criticizing the government; nearly a hundred thousand government propaganda agents were sent out among the people to whip up support for the regime and its war; college professors imposed loyalty oaths on their colleagues; nearly a quarter-million goons were given legal authority to intimidate and beat “slackers” and dissenters; and leading artists and writers dedicated their crafts to proselytizing for the government?

January of 2015. Republicans have for years obstructed, slapped down and bamboozled the federal government by way of majorities in the Supreme Court and the House of Representatives. And now, unbelievably, they’ve just seized control of the Senate. Jonah Goldberg clarifies his former position:

Who’s Running the Country?
National Review | January 2, 2015

…the joke is on us. You see, no one is running the country.

I don’t mean that as a knock on President Obama. No president “runs” America because the government doesn’t run America — and the president barely runs the government. He can scarcely tell his own employees what to do…

Again. In 2008, after George Bush took a powder in Texas while a hurricane drowned New Orleans:

Fascism is a religion of the state. It assumes the organic unity of the body politic and longs for a national leader attuned to the will of the people. It is totalitarian in that it views everything as political and holds that any action by the state is justified to achieve the common good. It takes responsibility for all aspects of life, including our health and well-being, and seeks to impose uniformity of thought and action, whether by force or through regulation and social pressure. Everything, including the economy and religion, must be aligned with its objectives. Any rival identity is part of the “problem” and therefore defined as the enemy. I will argue that contemporary American liberalism embodies all of these aspects of fascism.

And today. On the eve of fag-bashing Tea Party conspiracists taking control of the government:

The notion that there’s a class or group of people secretly running things is ancient. It was old when the Roman consul Lucius Cassius famously asked, “Cui bono?” (“To whose benefit?”)

The reason is that we seem to be hardwired to assume there are no accidents, that the world is the way it is because people — hidden people — want it that way. The more extreme expressions of this cognitive reflex take many forms, whether anti-Semitic (Who benefits? The Jews!) or Marxist (Who benefits? The ruling classes!) or comedic (“Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!”)…

…let’s not forget any bestselling authors who might like to gesture wildly at their mild-mannered neighbors and cry out Fascist! (Who benefits? The doughy pantloads!) Can this man recognize himself in the mirror? If someone yells ‘Jonah!’, will he lift his head?

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He can go to the NFL, he can go to the Hall of Fame, but he’ll always be a rapist

These young men are my heroes.

On Thursday, Oregon beat Florida State by 59-20 in the College Football Playoff semifinal. As Oregon football players celebrated their win after the game, video taken on the field shows at least three of them chanting “no means no” to the tune of a chant that’s used by Florida State fans.

That is quite beautiful. First they rout the hell out of Florida State, then they taunt their Heisman-rapist quarterback by singing “no means no” to the school’s white boy ‘war chant.’ I suppose I’d be even more tickled if they’d mock-shivved Winston at midfield while singing Social D’s ‘Prison Bound’, but not by much.

If you’re unlike me and think maybe this Jameis fella isn’t a stone cold rapist, try reading Vice’s rundown of the university’s clownish conduct hearing.

It’s bad enough when a university thinks so little of such a hearing that they won’t even bother to find a judge who knows the first thing about how it’s to be conducted. But even worse, this Winston kid never took it seriously in the least. It’s as if he knew the whole thing was a charade. Judging from his Heisman speech it’s obvious the young man is nearly illiterate, but look at his opening statement:

“During our consensual sexual interactions Complainant engaged in a little sexual talk and took other actions that made it clear that the sex was consensual and she was enjoying having sex with me. If Complainant did not want to have oral sex or intercourse with me she was fully capable of expressing it to me.”

In the two years that the university ducked, impeded and stonewalled a proper criminal investigation, they managed to get him a law degree? How civilized this guy is. Talk about your weasel bullshit. And then this:

He noted that “rape is a vicious crime,” but also that “the only thing as vicious as rape is falsely accusing someone of rape.”

How about a rapist using a school’s multi-million dollar football program to dodge penitentiary time? How about pretending to be the real victim? I find that to be pretty vicious, and disgusting.

The victim then recounted her harrowing story.

“[Winston] raped me twice on his bed where I lay frozen but telling him to stop. And again when he put me on the bathroom floor and locked the door and told me it was locked. Then I struggled against him as hard as I could, but he over-powered me and dragged me. I tried to push and kick him off of me, but he pinned me down by the arms and the leg like (indicating). I kept telling him to stop, but he covered my face and mouth with one hand and jammed it hard to the side like this (indicating), like on the floor like this (indicating). I believe this is where my head pain came from.”

And then she produced one witness after another to corroborate her alarm, tears, and vomiting in reaction to what happened.

The next friend to testify said to the woman that on the morning of December 7, 2012, “You were shaking, you were crying, you had been throwing up. You were like — it just had changed completely from anything I’ve ever seen. You were not stable, you just — I don’t know, when you tried to even talk to me you could barely talk.” When the woman asked this friend a similar question as she did to her other one, saying “in the past two years, have I ever given you the impression that I in any way consented to any of the sexual acts committed by Respondent that night?,” her friend simply said, “no.”

A male friend of the woman testified next. Harding asked him, “Did you ever describe her as flirty?” He responded, “Yes, I did in my interview. I did.” Harding followed up, “But you never saw her out of control in any way?” He said, “No way. No, sir.” When he saw the woman the next morning, “she was crying her eyes out. She would not let me touch her because — I didn’t know what happened, obviously, at first. And I went to go hug her and she would not let me touch her, she wouldn’t let me near her.”

And how did Winston’s case play out? It basically didn’t, he didn’t have a case. He called all of one witness in his defense, an investigator from the State Attorney’s office who said there was too little evidence, in the SA’s opinion, to mount a prosecution. And of course then the victim cross-examined Winston’s witness, and he agreed that she’d always been consistent in her behavior and her rape allegations. Some witness.

I should mention that two of Winston’s pals were there that night, one of whom actually witnessed the incident because he recorded it on his phone and passed the clip around, and they were called as witnesses. But they both refused to testify. Would not say a word.

Okay then, what about Winston? After his opening statement on the first day, he was asked questions by the judge on the second. And here’s what he said:

“I declare under a penalty of perjury that my statement yesterday is true and accurate to the best of my recollection. … From the Rule 6C2R-3.004(6) (d) of the Florida State Student Code of Conduct I’m not going to answer.”

So you’ve got the victim claiming she was raped and giving a detailed account of the assault. She introduces a series of eyewitnesses who corroborate her pain, shock and horror on that night. And, on the other side, you’ve got the football player refuting this very serious allegation by publicly declaring: No Comment.

Now here’s the rub: In such a hearing all the judge has to do to rule whether a student has violated the school’s conduct code is to weigh the two sides of a story. If a preponderance of the best evidence weighs against the student, then there are sanctions. If the likelihood of the victim’s story is more than 50/50, then there’s no more football for Winston. So what did the judge find?

After consulting “investigative hearing materials” that “consisted of over 1,000 pages of documents as well as electronically stored data,” supplemental materials provided by both parties, and “witness testimony received at the hearing,” Harding did “not find the credibility of one story substantially stronger than that of the other.”

Really?

He wrote in his decision that “both sides have their own strengths and weaknesses.” In other words, Harding found that there was not a greater than 50 percent chance that Winston had caused harm, but rather a 50 percent chance, thus not meeting the burden of proof.

The judge found the victim’s story, as well as all those witness accounts, to be roughly as believable as, and I’m quoting the quarterback’s closing statement here, because there’s essentially nothing more to his defense:

“During this process I have learned how vicious this world can be. I did not sexually assault Complainant.”

If this isn’t the rankest of institutional bullshit. Fuck this little punk, and Florida State too.

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Free to wallow in their own crapulence

2015 looks to be the Year Of The Republican. Let’s not pretend otherwise, they’re the ones who’ve got the political world on a string. It’s their turn to run the show. The House will stay in the GOP’s hip pocket, the Senate will turn over to a Republican majority, and the country’s twenty-eight conservative governors will become even more overwhelmingly conservative. Pretty soon Mike Huckabee will giddily announce his bid for the presidency, Mitch McConnell will sadly call for impeachment, and the Reverend Gordon ‘Dr. Chaps’ Klingenschmitt will take his seat in a Colorado delegation rather than one in any corner room of a proper sanitarium. All tolled, it looks like 2015 will be a pretty darn good year for the Olde Douche.

Don’t doubt for a minute that Fox News isn’t already aware of it. It looks as if they’re going out of their way – from day one – to remind everybody just how sweet, fruity and delicate their vintage of A-HOLE is. With this segment, and in this heartwarming case, the traditionalist Americans are here to remind you that they care sincerely about helping women:

AINSLEY: It is a new year and that means it is time for some new relationships in your life. So how can you navigate building new bridges this year whether it’s in the workplace or if it’s in the dating world or in your family?

What gal wouldn’t be happy to get a few relationship pointers from Roger Ailes?

CLAYTON: Well, ladies, listen up. Ladies, we’re talking to you. If you still don’t have a new year’s resolution, could this be it? A new dating guide is offering some honest advice on how to get a husband.

To begin with, if you’re watching Fox and Friends today – a perfectly good holiday – you’re in real trouble. More depressingly, if your new year’s resolution is to ‘get a husband’ you’re probably beyond any practical help. Now might be a good time to fix yourself a heaping bowl of Banana Nut Clorox.

PETER: The first one is: No matter where a woman was in life she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.

AINSLEY: Oh wow. Of course, a man is writing that.

Damn straight. And how ’bout you mull that over for a second, eh toots?

CLAYTON: This is part of your new year’s resolutions, right? You wanted to…

AINSLEY: …I do want, yeah. I do want to be a better wife. I’m going to be a better wife.

There, that’s better. ONE down.

PETER: How about this one: When he gets his ego stroked, he’ll be more inclined to love you more.

AINSLEY: THAT’S TRUE.

CLAYTON: That’s absolutely true.

AINSLEY: THAT IS TRUE.

Ding-ding, TWO down. What a serving of tasty advice. Please, douche, can I have some more? For that holiday second helping, we turn directly to Fox’s romance experts:

On why women should “stroke his ego”:

Single man: “‘Cater 2 U’ [by Destiny's Child] should be on every woman’s playlist and kept on repeat…”

This is a fabulously spineless tip. Ladies, play your melodious slavery suggestions at bedtime and have them insinuated into your subconscious brain overnight. Wake up thoroughly refreshed and pre-programmed the next day, ready to get yourself a man. With an unsettling gleam in your eyes, and a smoking chainsaw in your hands. Look out boys, this one’s got ideas.

Similarly, I believe it would also be perfectly sensible, relationship-wise – let’s call it ‘beneficial’ – for any suitor worthy of matrimony to have a loop of Glenn Danzig barking ‘MOTHERRR!’ in the lava-hot center of his head, night and day. For the purposes of either gender, frankly, any of the typical torture techniques can be employed to render oneself a weeping blob of Jell-O and turn the heads of potential partners your way. Especially when they’re currently working in the now closely-related fields of mental health or homeland security.

PETER: …well there’s one way that you could, this third way: Prepare his meals, draw him a bath and massage his feet every now and then.

CLAYTON: My wife’s at home taking notes right now. Absolutely. She already does cook meals, she’s a fantastic cook.

Ainsley was only partly down with this third one.

…once you start though, women, you’ve got to continue it. So if you start this in the dating, you’ve got to continue all the way through…

Don’t go all Downton Abbey on Master Tenderfoot and then later proclaim for some reason that you belong upstairs. Once you know your place, girls, consider it best just to stay there. And try not to tip over Master’s pisspots (idiots). Asked to weigh in on the matter I suppose I’d have to agree with the experts. After a year of my last girlfriend carrying me around in a sedan chair, I got used to it. Not long after she stabbed me in the face with a hot poker, I began to miss it.

Clayton comes back:

My wife does cook. And she does give me foot massages.

Good little wife! Arf arf! Okay, yeah I should probably refrain from being so un-romantic and sentimental. I should really make an effort to applaud the little bliss-besotted Fox acolytes of this desperate, wind-swept world. Fine then, alright. Well done FX-11000! YOU HAVE BONDED STATUS WITHIN THE HUMAN MATRIX. And you’re all welcome.

Any more insights for the ladies? Yes, more from Fox’s relationship experts. Here are two revelations from which you can learn everything you ever wanted to know about male infidelity, forever. First:

“…when it comes to a woman, a man is a natural predator. He stalks his prey and pounces every chance he gets until she either gives in or ignores his every advance. That animal instinct in us is what feeds our lust and causes us to lose all sense of what is rational and right or wrong.”

A man needs to have sex with every woman he sees, just like a lion. It’s called Nature. Second:

“A man who cheats is looking for someone to fulfill a part of him that his lady is not, plain and simple. Whether physical, emotional or social, if there is an imbalance in the relationship, he will seek balance.”

Big butts bring me down, woman. And a man needs balance. Yeah right, douche.

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Where the only water flowing is the butter sting of tears

It seems to me there are certain ways of understanding things. This is a fact of life, I think. You can look at something a certain way, but then it seems as if there’s always another way to look at it. Know what I mean? Like you could walk around behind something and it would no longer look the same. As I grew older I became aware of this weird effect – and then I became obsessed with it. Everywhere I went I would see something, but then I would immediately think: What if I looked at it another way? What if I saw it from the alley, or the side street? What if I saw it from the rooftop of a big building? I always thought: I bet it would look different.

Every year, in the week between Christmas and New Year’s, I think about George W. Bush.

It was in that week each year for the eight years I covered him as a reporter that he gave me a spectacular gift — and he knew it.

A spectacular gift. I would wake up early every Christmas morning, and yawn a charming kitty-yawn with fey but alarming authenticity, then I’d peek out the second floor window of my Tudor TV-mansion. And down below me, every year, I would see in my driveway: The Global War On Terror. Wrapped entirely in an over-sized red bow. And I would excitedly put my hands to the sides of my head, as if I’d just then gotten the mumps, and I’d cry out “WAR CRIMES!” Oh I piddled on more than one set of Walker Texas Ranger pajamas, I can tell you.

In December, we never left Washington, D.C., until the day after Christmas. Never. Mr. Bush and his wife, Laura, would always depart the White House a few days before the holiday and hunker down at Camp David, the presidential retreat in Maryland. After a few years, I asked a low-level White House staffer why.

I still remember what she said: “So all of us can be with our families on Christmas.”

…and so it was, that god-damn ole’ George W. Bush. Sniff, did all of it. Sob, just for me. Such a softhearted son of a bitch. Mother Teresa herself could compile a list of his mercies and graces, but I can remember every one. 9/11? Sniff. Iraq? Sob. Torture? Choke, gasp, beg for your now-useless life. And let’s not mention all those ersatz pool reporters posted overseas and carrying M16s instead of pens across eight Decembers, getting shot at or dismembered during one Infidelmas after another. No point in spitting on a soggy Hallmark Card.

All that has changed with President Obama. No more press plane, for one. Reporters are on their own — so taking family is, say, $1,000 a pop. Not likely. And this president would never delay his trip to his island getaway. He’s off every year well before Christmas. Hundreds and hundreds head off with him, leaving family behind.

No Christmas at home. Instead, the Hawaiian Village Waikiki Beach Resort. Nice, but not exactly home.

Is this Washington Times guy slagging the President for flying away to his own home rather than to the reporter’s? Yes. He certainly is, and let’s let that just sink in. Mmmmmmm. That’s some delicious wingnut.

Anyway, that’s why I think of George W. Bush every year in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Probably will till I die. Thanks, GWB.

Quelle surprise. Come Christmas time, he didn’t act anything like the Cadaver King. What a guy.

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