The breakfast bunch at Fox News decided to toss the tragic killing of teen Trayvon Martin around this morning. Hey, no wonder the other networks have been doing it — this is fun.
Anyway, with mountains of Murdoch’s scratch only bedding silverfish, they figured they could afford a Colored Guy for analysis. Geraldo Rivera threw his Vault Cracker brand detective kit into the back of a Chrysler Asshole, and streaked away.
Thinking hard, he pressed himself:
“What really killed Trayvon Martin? Fox News wants to know. It won’t be good enough for me to say, ‘Racism.’ Or ‘White paranoia.’ That’d be like me telling Wile E. Coyote about ACME gunpowder. I’ll have to give them something else.”
And with that, the legendary TV sleuth set off to re-create the entire murder in his head. The neighborhood watch captain, the police phone call, the warning to leave Trayvon alone, the kid running from the murderous lunatic, the confrontation, the shot ringing out. All of it played out in slow motion in Colored Guy’s movie memory. And that’s when He figured it all out. Wow. He came upon the missing piece of the puzzle: what really killed Trayvon Martin.
Excitedly, Geraldo puttered off to Fox studios. He sat down with the breakfast bunch:
“Geraldo, homie, tell us. What really killed Trayvon Martin?
“I’ll tell you, Brian. What really killed the poor boy was . . his jacket.”
“I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was. When you see a kid walking down the street . . People look at you and what’s the instant identification? What’s the instant association? Its crime scene surveillance tapes. Every time you see someone stick up a 7-Eleven, the kid is wearing a hoodie. Every time you see a mugging on a surveillance camera or get the old lady in the alcove, it’s the kid with a hoodie. You have to recognize that this whole stylizing yourself as a gangsta — you’re going to be a gangsta wannabe? Well, people are going to perceive you as a menace. That’s what happens. It is an instant reflexive action.”
Trayvon could have picked a less provocative coat. So both sides are to blame.
“I understand that the reaction might be overzealous or even irrational in some extent, I mean, when you look at the statistics. But you’re not going to rehabilitate the hoodie. Stop wearing it! You know the old Johnny Cash song, ‘Don’t take your gun to town, son. Leave your gun at home.’ There are some things that are almost inevitable.”
Personal responsibility, folks. Now you know.