Tag Archives: candidates

Alabama Tea Party Candidates to Wedgie President

Push aside, dorks. Step off, stoners, nerds and spirit ‘wads. Scurry back to your classrooms, wimps: make way for the BMOCs.

It’s the University of Alabama, Teabagger, and here come the “Big Men of the Confederacy.” They’re the Heart of Dixie’s freshman studs. Given the length and girth of their self-confidence, the satisfaction of the South is in the offing. If only they could be satisfied. There may be something to that, incidentally. Close enough: these two will finish the black guy’s life career.

Two Alabama Tea Party Candidates Run On Platform Of Impeaching Obama
Adam Peck | Think Progress

At a candidate forum hosted by the tea party group Common Sense Campaign, both Pete Riehm and Dean Young were asked if they would introduce articles of impeachment against President Obama, and both replied “yes” to loud applause, according to the Mobile Press-Register.

Oh, you like that, don’t you? Dirty little teabitch.

“First, I would cut off his funding. If that didn’t work, I would introduce a resolution describing what he’s done wrong. The last resort, which I am willing to take, would be to impeach him,” Young explained further. Riehm was equally unapologetic, saying, “failure to recognize wrong-doing is moral dereliction and, when you have the authority, failure to uphold the law is accessory to the crime.” Among President Obama’s crimes, argues Riehm, is his failure to defend the Defense of Marriage Act and failure to enforce federal laws on immigration and elections.

Either one of these two, his first day in office, he’ll just convene the Senate for a trial. The charges: Mr. President, you stink. That’s a high crime in Alabama. Obama would be out of office before Diane Sawyer could make her NO Face:


Baked Carolina dog whistle, a la Gingrich, with a side of #2 spilled beans

Hark! Nanook of Tiara Borealis Klondike Parkaboobs:

“I want to see this thing continue because iron sharpens iron, steel sharpens steel,’’ Ms. Palin said . . “These guys are getting better in their debates, they’re getting more concise, they’re getting more grounded . .’’

. . they’re getting more deflected, denatured and disintegrated by the multi-thousand BTU Chinese forge of Republican politics. There are barely months to settle on a wingnut, but who will conquer tomorrow? Everybody has to know. Hail heavy metal Freedonia.

Newton’s latest strategy has been to eliminate anyone in sight still breathing. So he’s been taking it to the dead-white and blue capitalist, Chet Bainbot. He’s been taking it to the black children, destined to do no work. He’s been taking it to the gritty streets of South Carolina, where folks still (sshhh) prefer ‘others’ step off the sidewalk as they approach.

And whaddyaknow. It’s working:

Rasmussen Poll: Gingrich closes gap with Romney nationally
The State Column

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s relentless attacks against rival candidate Mitt Romney appear to be working, as a Rasmussen Reports poll released Wednesday indicates he is just three percentage points behind Mr. Romney nationwide. The poll finished with Mr. Romney garnering 30 percent of the votes, while Mr. Gingrich finished at 27 percent.

Now, that’s a Rasmussen poll. Meaning the numbers look spectacular and are surely wrong. But Newthor is definitely closing the gap. His campaign got so excited after Monday’s debate they put together this clip:

For context, let’s add . . uh, context. The get-up-and-stomp-your-jackboots ovation for Newtran (dubbed “The Moment” by his humble campaign) came as a result of moderator Juan Williams pressing Gingrich on his “black people” rhetoric. As in, “black people drive like this,” and “black people yell at movies,” and “I hate black people too.” Right-wing Newsmax reported the reverse-lynching this way:

Gingrich Slams Juan Williams in Racial Exchange
Maxi-News | ‘White Lady Fresh’

. . “Can’t you see this is viewed, at a minimum, as insulting to all Americans, but as particularly to black Americans?” Williams said.

“No, I don’t see that,” Gingrich answered, prompting cheers and applause from the audience. He also recalled the fact that his own daughter Jackie did janitorial work for her first job.

“Only the elites despise earning money,” he said.

DUDE! That’s what you get for being racist, Juaaan. Or Hwaaaan. Maybe I putee fyou bettah unnastann: chingchong linglong, bitch. Winning.

Meanwhile, demonstrating a steely capacity for institutional-thuggery, someone in the Romney campaign directed ABC to talk to Marianne Gingrich, Newtrul’s second wife. This is the only thing anyone in the solar system is talking about tonight. It’s the end of everything, politics-wise, forever. Plus it has consequences. Given Newchan’s self-centered approach to affection (he loves his prostate, where he lives in a Spanish Mediterranean jizzball), the interview tomorrow will be devastating. If there’s an audience or a god, he will be dead by Friday.

Not to be outdone: someone else. Next: Rick Santorum. He’s piggybacking the anti-Gingrich campaign. He’d like to point out the difference between himself and the in flagrante davenportia Georgian:

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum told a Spartanburg crowd Wednesday that the only woman he’s ever sat on a couch with is his wife, a not-so-subtle dig at former House speaker Newt Gingrich, who appeared seated next to Democrat Nancy Pelosi in a 2008 ad urging action on climate change.



I see the ghost of Mitt Romney, i.e. Mitt Romney

So many Republican presidential candidates, so many favorites. It’s like picking a particular virus. All the many, many things to consider. Do you just wanna die, or would you like to linger?

First the wingnuts think Michelle Bachmann is wonderful. She’s energetic and Christian and conservative right down to her Buckley® corset and stare. Isn’t she great?

The Minnesota congresswoman last month suggested that God was punishing Washington for excessive spending by sending an earthquake and a hurricane (Her campaign later said she was joking), noted the “rise of the Soviet Union” 20 years after that regime collapsed, confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with the anniversary of his death, erred on the location of John Wayne’s birthplace in Iowa, and claimed the famous Revolutionary War battle at Lexington and Concord had been fought in New Hampshire.

She’s also bright as a bag of midnight. Oh well, time to move on. How ’bout that Rick Perry? He’s friendly, got good hair and a drawl. What’s not to like?

“Let me tell you, there’s three agencies of government that are gone when I get there,” Perry said. “Commerce, education and the, um, uh, what’s the third one there . . Commerce, Education and the, um, EPA . . the third agency of government, I would do away with: Education, Commerce and let’s see . . the third one, I can’t. Oops.”

He’s clueless about his own campaign. And government. Boy, these people are . . interesting. How the hell did they ever get this far? How is it that they’re being taken seriously, even momentarily, as candidates for president?

It’s not like they’ve ever hidden these massive flaws. Bachmann’s been famously dumb and loopy as long as anyone can remember. She tried to amend the Minnesota constitution to outlaw gay marriage in 2003, 2004 and 2005. Her own marriage narrowly escaped.

When President Bush signed the Energy Independence and Security Act outlawing the future manufacture and sale of incandescent bulbs, she responded with the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act. You can imagine what that’s supposed to do, as if energy-sucking 19th century technologies were somehow American as eagles. If Sir Humphry Davy is so heart-broken, he can sit down with Tom Edison and have a cry.

Governor Rick Perry executed an innocent man charged with the arson murder of his own children. Killing innocent people is a sport in Texas. The mere approximation of ‘murder’ and ‘children’ in a sentence is evidence enough to shoot a man on sight. But Rick happens to be the head of government, which is supposed to manage it through legal means.

When actual arson experts (what?) looked at the evidence after the execution (who knew?) they saw nothing to indicate anything other than an accident.

. . Dr. Craig Beyler, hired by the Texas Forensic Science Commission to review the case, found that “a finding of arson could not be sustained”. Beyler said that key testimony from a fire marshal at Willingham’s trial was “hardly consistent with a scientific mind-set and is more characteristic of mystics or psychics.”

When government officials were to re-convene to consider the report, Perry finally sprang into action:

The Texas Forensic Science Commission was scheduled to discuss the report by Beyler at a meeting on October 2, 2009, but two days before the meeting Texas Governor Rick Perry replaced the chair of the commission and two other members. The new chair canceled the meeting—sparking accusations that Perry was interfering with the investigation and using it for his own political advantage.

Rest in peace, Cameron Todd Willingham. Your death is still considered a ‘win’ in Texas. In the end, that was the only fact Rick Perry paid any attention to.

The point I’m making here is that these Republican presidential candidates are a scary bunch. It’s shocking that any one of these loons is this close to the presidency. It’s especially shocking when they carry suicidal baggage the way they do: publicly and proudly.

Voters should be horrified by the selection of grotesques. They should be screaming bloody murder for being forced even to consider a Rick Santorum:

“I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money.”

Instead, they’re happy to pick one immoral, un-American fool after another. As if they were picking body sprays or Chinese food. Encouraged by the affirmation, a candidate cranks up the crazy and suddenly Mr. or Mrs. Average is dismayed. President Newt would do what to judges that annoyed him? Arrest them?

“Sure. If you had to. Or you’d instruct the Justice Department to send a U.S. Marshal.”

So much for the Constitution, checks and balances, judicial impartiality, blah blah. So many things stand between Newt and his liberty. It’s all pretty funny if your sense of humor shades to darkness.

It’s even funnier when you see where this is all going. The candidate to beat in this gnomic clusterfuck is Willard Romney. Mittens is a man so devoid of courage, color or personality he could be a cloud of carbon dioxide. People invite him to parties in case an electrical fire breaks out. He sits in the corner drinking fruit juice, no ice thanks, and talks to a candle.

Tomorrow, he will win easily in New Hampshire. That’ll put about 8 of his 10 slender, lady-lke fingers around the throat of the Republican nomination. He won’t take a firm grip for weeks. He won’t even think of squeezing for months probably, and the circus will go on. Meanwhile Ron Paul will surface to tell you that AIDS patients should pay not only for all their own healthcare, but for the carpentry and maintenance of slender coffins, their deaths being unusual and self-involved. Hooray.


The 4:15 to zombie Eden

If this doesn’t tell you plenty about Republican yearnings, perhaps you’re in a state. The five senses play mischief. They’re tethered to a notoriously glitchy mainframe, what with the emotions and booze and sleeping orgasms.

But I bet you can make something out of this:

Va. GOP to require loyalty oath in presidential primary
Andrew Cain | Richmond Times-Dispatch | December 28, 2011

At the request of the Virginia Republican Party, the State Board of Elections voted 3-0 today to close the March 6 presidential primary and require a loyalty oath for participation.

Big deal, you think. They’re always making Newt or Rick or Chester sign these things. Keep reading:

That means anyone who wants to vote must sign a form at the polling place pledging to support the eventual Republican nominee for president. Anyone who refuses to sign the pledge will be barred from voting.

The citizens! The voters have to sign loyalty oaths. The brave quest for zombie politics is here. Can a party member vote while encased in a block of cement? Is it legal to etch the candidate’s name on everybody’s skulls?

Is this conservative enough for ya? Is taxidermy a touch on the frantic side? The Virgina GOP is turning its back on the party’s thought-centric and animated wings. Perhaps the electorate can be stored upside-down in meat lockers. Consider shellacking the brains of your pals after they vote as desired, then consider it done. It’d be strange for Mom to look Dad in the eye and see 'BUFFERING', but someone important would finally get some sleep.

After the candidates have signed oaths to oppose the levy, stay the matrimony, balance the budget, fight the Shariah, cap the spending, crush the socialism, chuck the bukkake, reverse the enemy, fly the flag, sail the ship, chop the tree, skip the rope (look at me), nothing is safe. Consequently, voters can forget about politics after the convention. Ssshhh, turn off the TV, toss the front page. Wouldn’t want to give the guys who live in smoke-filled backrooms the vapors while counting votes.

Listen to ’em: “No, there’s no problem with candidates, there’s a problem with voters.” But, wait — there are problems with both. That’s why everybody’s getting fitted for straitjackets. Being a Republican could do your self-esteem some good. I promise.

Viel Glück, little Hitlers. Maybe nominee Willard’s mansion is being built on the birthplace of the first soldier to fire on Wounded Knee. Maybe it implodes in a Poltergeist-ball this Halloween causing Mittens a massive stroke, and then it’ll hit you what a good idea this was.


Debate redux: Republican candidates struggle with facts, time

Another Republican debate down. Another lump of misfires, gaffes, and comic highlights to pore over. I probably should learn to like these things, they only come around every four years. They also prove that Republicans will settle for anything that looks the part.

Right now, Mitt Romney looks the part. His confidence is clearly growing as the frontrunner: witness the embrace of his own healthcare legislation. Also notice his evolving ability to counter-attack rivals. In this clip, he wounds the barely-breathing Perry after the Texan tried to brain him with “Romneycare”:

“I’ll tell you this though, we have the lowest number of kids as a percentage of any state in America. You have the highest… We have less than one percent of our kids that are uninsured. You have a million kids uninsured in Texas. A million kids.”

Pretty good. The other candidates, they did not fare so well. Michele Bachmann remains the candidate dumber than your cat:

In her response to the question of whether anyone from Wall Street should be thrown in prison for causing the collapse of the world’s largest economy, Bachmann blamed the federal government for the 2008 financial meltdown and recession of 2007-9.

“The fault goes back to the federal government, and that’s what’s wrong with Dodd- Frank,” Bachmann said, adding, “Dodd-Frank institutionalized all of these problems that were put into effect by the federal government.”

The Dodd–Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act was written as a response to the financial collapse. It was passed in July of 2010. So Michele is confused as to how the river of time flows: into the future, maybe?

Newt Gingrich recognized the names of the Taliban, so he decided some bomb-throwing was called for:

“If you want to put people in jail, I want to second what Michele said. You ought to start with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd . .”

The Wall Street watchdogs. Democrats. Why do they belong in jail?

“The fact is in both the Bush and Obama administrations, the fix has been in. And I think it perfectly reasonable for people to be angry.”

OC-CU-PY. OC-CU-PY. That’s what protesters want: the heads of the reformers on a silver platter. And an end to the estate tax, and some caviar please — not too cold, it hurts my teeth.

Hearing those flails of genius, Rick Perry figured he could do better. It wasn’t until after the debate that he came up with something:

“Our Founding Fathers never meant for Washington, D.C. to be the fount of all wisdom. As a matter of fact they were very much afraid if that because they’d just had this experience with this far-away government that had centralized thought process and planning and what have you, and then it was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown, if you will . .”

What’s 200 years? It’s, let’s see, 200 hundred years. Wikipedia’s highlights of the 16th century include the growth of the Ottoman Empire and Akbar the Great’s extension of Mughal power across the Indian sub continent. I don’t imagine Rick Perry knows much about that, either.


Of the Republican mind: Ronald Reagan and other fantasies

Video fans, they’re back. Those pithy clips of Republican debate highlights. Or lowlights. Duolights?

Witness all the complex gobbledygook running around the next president’s head:

How many of these debate geniuses were there, again — eight? And this demonstrates the range of issues they covered in an hour? Foreign policy, anybody?

Let’s be honest: there’s not a single one of these America Daddies that even remembers who Ronald Reagan really was.

Reagan’s political chops came by way of running a labor union. He campaigned in the South on racist ‘State’s Rights’ politics. Upon becoming president, he embarked on a reckless 8-year spending spree that blew up the debt and deficit likely beyond our ever shrinking it again. When he grasped his monstrous deficit problem, he raised taxes over and over and over. He granted flat, blanket amnesty to millions of illegal aliens. And then, maybe best of all, he negotiated with Iran’s terrorists, agreeing to ship them anti-tank and anti-aircraft missiles in the hopes they’d somehow be nice to him. Secretly. Criminally. He got caught, he lied, said he didn’t remember, then he took responsibility by saying, essentially, “I still can’t believe I did this.” What a Daddy.

And then he left office with the economy in shambles. A taxing, spending, racist, cowardly, criminal, immigrant-appeasing blower of Iran’s Islamist goats. The stuff of Republican dreams . .


Republicans, already unpopular (about 21% of Americans), consider making candidates jump through a ‘purity’ hoop

At a time when Americans self-identify as ‘Republicans’ less than at any time in the last 8 years, they want to squeeze candidates through ‘purity’ bottlenecks? This is a good idea? Will this help attract new, and especially rare non-white, folks to their ‘pure’ Republican candidates? Doesn’t sound like it.

G.O.P. Considers ‘Purity’ Resolution for Candidates

The battle among Republicans over what the party should stand for — and how much it should accommodate dissenting views on important issues — is probably going to move from the states to the Republican National Committee when it holds its winter meeting this January in Honolulu.

Republican leaders are circulating a resolution listing 10 positions Republican candidates should support to demonstrate that they “espouse conservative principles and public policies” that are in opposition to “Obama’s socialist agenda.” According to the resolution, any Republican candidate who broke with the party on three or more of these issues– in votes cast, public statements made or answering a questionnaire – would be penalized by being denied party funds or the party endorsement.

What do the proposed ‘purity’ vows look like? Here:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill;

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run health care;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) We support workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership.

Not only is this a bad idea for a party that’s in danger of becoming marginalized, the list itself is a complete joke, the sort of thing that insiders write for insiders to read and then cheer about. Poorly written, poorly thought out and full of flimsy talking points, it’s easily made fun of…

1.) You’d oppose Obama’s well-known stimulus bill tax cuts? 237 fricking billion dollars? Are you guys lying, or just stupid?

2.) Healthcare reform radically increases marketplace competition, that’s one of its obvious mechanisms for driving down costs. That’s why it lowers the deficit–see your own #1.

4.) EFCA doesn’t get rid of secret balloting or change the mechanism by which secret balloting certifies a union. Period. I thought everybody knew that.

5.) A total non-sequitur. Rounding up illegal immigrants has nothing to do with supporting legal immigration. If all these poor folks could legally immigrate, they would.

6.) There are ‘military-recommended troop surges’ for Iraq? That’s what’ll get America to reverse course, hang on there for years and years and then ‘win’? Hello?

9.) Most ridiculous of all–do you know how many Americans die because they have no access to healthcare? It’s far past rationing, it’s full-blown denial, followed by death.

If I can trump this pathetic thing in a matter of a couple minutes, I doubt that it’ll score with centrists and outsiders who are notoriously slow to buy political pablum. And that’s whom the Republicans desperately need.

ADD: Keith Olbermann notes that this ‘purity test’ would have, in the past, excluded a bunch of half-asses like…Ronald Reagan: