Tag Archives: conspiracies

Dear Republicans: sick of your toxic teabaggers yet?

You reap what you sow, eh?

You sit on your hands, you’re not constructive in the least. You bad-mouth every little thing that the President would try to do. You trash every bill that the Democrats propose while offering nothing in substitute or return.

And THEN the elections show up, and a swarm of pod people inspired to take your personality defects to the extreme steal your flatulent thunder. These folks, it’s not enough for them to screw their enemies: they’re out to screw America. And that means you, you Republicans.

Sen. Richard Lugar:

“I’ve been working systematically for 20 years going to Russia trying to help direct a situation in which we’re taking warheads off of missiles every day, destroying missiles that were aimed at us; destroying submarines that carried misslies up and down our coast,” said Lugar. “I’ve got to say ‘Get real’. I hear Tea Party or other people talking about they were against START. I said ‘Well, now, hang on here.'”

Aw, fuck you, Mr. Venerated Senator. Mr. Doesn’t Fax Obscenity-Spangled Tirades To The Local Sheriff. Mr. Actually Been To Russia. Mr. Can Spell ‘START.’

“[We’re saying to Lugar] thank you for what you’ve done. We respect you greatly as a person and for what you’ve done in the past. But to go forward, we feel it’s going to need to be a different candidate,” Tea Party activist Pat Miller told NewsChannel 15 in January.

Good luck with that, Dick. Colorado’s GOP Chairman? He just called it quits.

“I have loved being chairman, but I’m tired of the nuts who have no grasp of what the state party’s role is,” [Dick] Wadhams told the Post.

After the 2010 elections, who could blame him? The Republican candidate for Governor ended up being tea partier Dan Maes who, it was later discovered, was a giant whacko and liar. Their candidate for Senator was teabagger Ken Buck, a homophobe and a misogynist. The two of them torpedoed whatever chances Colorado Republicans had to seize real power.

“I have tired of those who are obsessed with seeing conspiracies around every corner and who have terribly misguided notions of what the role of the state party is while saying ‘uniting conservatives’ is all that is needed to win competitive races across the state . .”

Translation: “Closing ranks behind a poisonous candidate won’t get him elected.” If he’s too much snake to appeal to the center, your party gets fanged.

Christine O’Donnell? She’s baaa-aaack:

O’Donnell pledges PAC will counter ‘liberal’ GOP establishment
Shane D’Aprile | The Hill | 02/08/11

Former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell launched her new political action committee Tuesday, vowing it will play a leading role in competitive primaries and counter the “liberal-controlled GOP establishment.

You gotta love somebody so stupid as to dedicate herself to eradicating a mythical beast: The Establishment Right-Wing Left-Winger. Jackalopes, by comparison, are as common as silverfish.

. . Remember, for primary challengers to win, conservatives needs to start organizing now in 2011 – or else candidates who reflect our values won’t be able to run an effective 2012 campaign.

Conservatives needs to throw their precious political donations at someone who isn’t currently holding any office. At someone who has never, ever been elected to anything. Why? Well, she came sooooooo clooooose . .

You are the reason that President Obama came to Delaware in late 2010, diverting his attention from other states he could have campaigned in. You are the reason that a frantic White House dispatched Vice President Joe Biden, again and again, to campaign in Delaware to defeat me, who they regarded as their number one opponent . .

My friend, what you helped me do at the six week long Battle of Delaware 2010, sent shock waves throughout the nation.

Your circus campaign? Your getting routed? It sent fits of belly-laughs through the nation. But the Waterloo of Delaware is still too much and too mysterious for Witchy Woman to accept. So don’t send your Conserva-bucks to the GOP or give it to a local guy running for legislature — send it to Christine, the beautiful loser, current holder of absolutely no position or power whatsoever. Off to shoot flying monkeys with her double-barreled bananas. She’s got so much more Earth-shaking to do.

Speaking of shaking the coconuts:

Ditching unwritten rules for Senate freshmen, Paul does it his way
By Alexander Bolton | The Hill | 02/08/11

. . And, perhaps most remarkable in the clubby, well-heeled Senate, [Rand] Paul criticized [Mitch] McConnell’s cherished role model, Sen. Henry Clay (Ky.).

“. . one could argue that his compromises were morally wrong and may have even encouraged war, that his compromises meant the acceptance, during his 50 years of public life, of not only slavery, but the slave trade itself,” he added.

McConnell walked off the Senate floor in the middle of Paul’s maiden speech.

The Senate Minority Leader’s idol! How hilarious is that? The little tea-punk’s been there — what? — four weeks? Get him, Mitchell. Tear him a new one!

An aide to McConnell said the leader couldn’t attend the entire speech because of previously scheduled meetings and noted that McConnell praised it in a press release.

WHAT?! OH . . yeah. You can’t rip him, can you? It was your political recklessness that created him. Well, you and the likes of Rush Limbaugh. And now he’s popular, and you’re just old news. You reap what you sow, old man.


No crystal ball needed: Glenn Beck is blind to the future

“The truth has no agenda, but the media does.”

Gee, I wonder in which of the truth/media camps Fox’s multi-million dollar man thinks he resides? Glenn Beck got off a real corker of a rant yesterday. Unhappy to keep feeding his nervous audience the same line of fears, as substantial as they are, he’s now detailing the disintegration of the entire political world. [. . having now seen the clip a second time, he’s actually predicting the end of global civilization (below).] He tore it to pieces and threw it before mindless, rapacious superpowers far out of the menial control of the likes of you or me. I suppose it would be wise to believe they’re surely coming for us.

Here are the subjects Beck avows are involved with or predictors of the events currently unfolding in Egypt and rippling across the planet:

–Mohammed ElBaradei
–The Obama administration
–The Iranian Revolution
–Progressive activists
–The Weather Underground
–Bill Ayers
–Bernadine Dohrn
–The flotilla to Gaza
–Turkish Islamists
–The Muslim Brotherhood

Those are only the conspiratorial forces he exposes in the first two minutes. After that, it’s time for Glenn to give his viewers the concrete answers to all of the following:

–“What’s going on”
–“Why we went to war in Iraq”
–What of “The coming insurrection”
–The future of the Middle East
–The futures of the major political players on the planet
–The futures of the continents of Earth

That’s all:

As Steve Benen quotes Beck:

“I believe that I can make a case in the end that there are three powers that you will see really emerge. One, a Muslim caliphate that controls the Mideast and parts of Europe. Two, China, that will control Asia, the southern half of Africa, part of the Middle East, Australia, maybe New Zealand, and God only knows what else. And Russia, which will control all of the old former Soviet Union bloc, plus maybe the Netherlands. I’m not really sure. But their strong arm is coming. That leaves us and South America. What happens to us?”

Yes, what happens? Will I live?

Any problem with that take? Well, sure there is. Glenn Beck’s not just a predictor of crazy, he’s a predictor of wrong. He doesn’t get it right, he never gets it right, he’s never even close. By any measure, Glenn Beck stinks at predicting where the teeming world will be in a year or two. So far, he has a 100% track record of being mistaken on the side of chaos, conspiracy, apocalypse, and mass death.

Witness a video of his I uploaded 2 years ago (thank you, Crooks and Liars) where he predicts the complete unraveling of Mexico with dire consequences for America. Yeah, he tries to tell you that this is just his gut feeling, but it’s identical in rationale and tone to his subsequent predictions, including the whoppers above. It’s so perfectly a reverse-xeroxed take that Beck’s seed crystal of the End of Days — Archduke Ferdinand — makes the same ominous appearance [11:21 above, 0:42 below].

Holding Beck’s recent behavior in mind, upon watching the clip, what hits you isn’t that Glenn would now think he misfired on predicting a struggling Mexico collapsing with shocking consequences for the American Southwest. It’s more likely he went wrong in telling the camera he could be wrong. Mexico is, after all, only one country, no big deal. Contrast this with yesterday’s epic take where he calls the perhaps destinies of virtually every major power in the world. Right or wrong, though it’s always the latter, he no longer gives in to the hesitations we see here:

“There are too many things going on in Mexico that nobody is paying attention to, and we’re going to. Because I just have this gut feeling that . . this could be the final lightning bolt in the perfect storm.”

His previous shows were merely practice for what Glenn’s doing now. If he has either become too messianic or too professional to be qualified, who will protest the difference? Like his tears, Beck no longer needs a single excuse.




Why they want to homosexualize the military
By Tim Dunkin | December 17, 2010 | RenewAmerica.com

We all know that people on the Left are the great destroyers. There is not a single institution in this great land that they do not want to tear down, demolish, devastate, obliterate, and annihilate. There is not a single just and righteous law that they do not seek to subvert and overturn. There is not a single needful tradition that they don’t desire to delegitimize and replace with abject nonsense. The object of all this effort on their part is power — pure, unadulterated power

Whoooooooo? Us? Nooooooooo. [Sssshhh.]

“A man with a gun is a citizen. A man without a gun is a subject.” If there is anybody who knows the truth of this statement, it is the Left. Deep down inside, they know that an armed, independent populace is the main thing that prevents them from being able to openly step in and establish their control.

Oh, pshaw. Go ahead and have your guns. What do I care? Of course, your beloved little daughter will accidently shoot herself. Oh, those curious little kids, very sad. My, what to do. Yeah, hmm, maybe you’d like to toss your .38 Special into a receptacle for safe keeping — just for the moment? Try those blue boxes on your street corners, yes, very handy, pop ’em right in there. And you just let us know when you really need them, then we’ll get them back to you — pow! — in a flash. [Heh heh, POW, right.]

That’s where the military comes in. The Army has a lot bigger guns than the police do. While disgruntled gun owners may be able to use hunting rifles and shotguns to fend off the police, tanks and helicopter gunships are quite another matter.

Tanks, guns, bombs — whatever. What the hell would I know about any of this shootie thingie stuff? I’m just a regular old liberal, dopey dooby dooooooo. I try to get rid of ants by smothering them. With kindness.

The obvious answer, then, is to alter the composition of the military. And how better to do that than by making it a place where all those flag-waving patriotic regressives who just can’t get with the program won’t want to be?

Mmm, huh? Come again? I was just listening to a Richard Simmons on World Peace podcast. I just loooove him. He’s got an inner strength I very much admire.

This, perhaps, is what lies behind the insane drive to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and to homosexualize the U.S. military. The Left has been driving at this for years, under the guise of “civil rights” . .

[Damn it!] Err, what? OOOH, uhh, I said . . ‘SLAMMIN!’ Heh, this six cheese quiche is really something, I simply must have Hector give me the recipe, the little tongue-teaser. TWEET IT TO ME, HECTOR, AND TAG IT @WouldnaSmarmAFly. And voila, that’s little old me! Cheese!

. . if DADT is repealed, fully 1/8 of the U.S. military will leave. That translates into several hundred thousand persons. Persons who can then be replaced by out-and-out homosexuals. Homosexuals who, typically, have an antipathy towards flag-waving, God-and-country style conservatism.

Oh, don’t be silly. Not that many soldiers will up and leave. And the ones that do stay will get used to the new Army eventually. You know, the one where you get plenty of kisses while you sleep, and everybody showers with their penises erect, and they’re really clean because everybody keeps soaping them over and over and over while you’re around, and anybody who jumps into a foxhole with you immediately screams ‘Yoohoo!’

And as more gays join, more normal people will leave or will simply not join in the first place, until you have a military that is made up of two types of people — homosexuals and the morally weak who just “go with the flow” and won’t stand on any sort of conservative, traditional principles. Exactly the type of military force who will go along with disarming and subjugating the American people.

. . whaa — WHO said THA — what the…? That’s some kind of CRAZY. I DO NOT HAVE TO STICK AROUND HERE WHILE YOU BAD-MOUTH OUR ARMY. You should be ASHAMED, sir . . . I have never been so insulted . . .


Now that you Conservative sleuths have exposed all our liberal conspiracies, what can I do but confess?

I take off my beret to you, Conservative Columbos. I wish I could say it was all a misunderstanding on your part, it was just your indulging a fitful imagination, you and your ‘crazy talk.’ I would have loved to pull out an old chestnut like that one, but, look, you’ve just got us beat.

It’s time that we did what we never, ever do–tell the truth. And that is this: you have us cold. Yes, we did it. We were trying to damage you. We were trying to embarrass you. We were trying to knock down your nation, the United States of America. And, in so doing, we were hiding the shocking truths about our sordid political ambitions and lives from getting out into the world where horrified Americans would recoil at our hanging around, asses stuffed with balloons of heroin, wallets spilling over with kiddie porn and all. But you found us out, and you exposed us, and you put a stop to our best-laid plans to tear this nation apart. We, after poring over the broken pieces, would be assembling Iranian centrifuges with the remains right about now.

But first, there was the “Stop The Charlie Brown Christmas Special and its Christian Wholesomeness” project. As you know, Charles Schulz’s animated transformation of The Living Bible is a ringing endorsement of the Republican Party, so we figured we’d do something about it.

And we did: we contacted the White House to coordinate an attack on its airing. The President himself decided that he’d schedule a needless speech, at some place like West Point, addressing some odd thing like the War in Afghanistan, opposite the cartoon special in order to get the networks to pre-empt it, blacking the Conservative sermon out.

Yeah, but didn’t you see through that quickly? Republican stalwart and not-at-all-ironically named Mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, Russell Wiseman, called it immediately.

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”

DAMN YOU, Wiseman, you’re a pest. You Jesus protecting Sonuvabitch. We’d only begun to explore the possibility of staggering the speech’s TV broadcasts across time zones in order to block Charlie Brown nationwide, instead of only on the eastern seaboard. We thought we’d just start by annoying the Peanuts faithful in Tennessee, but Russell was too smart for that. We’ll remember this, buddy.

“…you obama people need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America….pitiful.”

charlie-brown-christmasAAAUUGH–Wiseman again, throwing darts right between our eyes. Yes, we’ve turned your America into a filthy Muslim coven, now, for the love of Saddam, stop mentioning it.

That was bad enough, but then you all figured out this one, too: we have been bastardizing Google. We’ve had our filthy Lucy-diddling fingers all over the innernets’ most famous search engine.

We just couldn’t stand the way you’ve been knocking down our pet projects, one by one, by getting our secrets out on the web. Your writers, pols, and, especially, your bloggers have been frankly too intuitive and too quick for us to handle.

So we knew we had to corrupt the Googly. We called up the proprietors, whoever the hell they are, and told them that searches for popular right-wing terms had to get jerked around from now on. And they said “Well, we are a pioneering internet company, thus, we enjoy the butt sex. Done!”

But only minutes after our “TripleX/Gomorrah/QueryBang 1.0” program launched, the whole scheme got exposed:

“…So it took an anonymous tipster to set me off on a brewing bit of fraud going in in the Google search service: They are ham-handedly altering the suggested search terms in order to promote a coverup of ‘Climategate.’…

But Google wants us to believe nobody is searching for Climategate despite it being such a big story, but I have evidence that it’s merely a coverup for political purposes.

My evidence is in the behavior of the feature itself. Watch what happens if you type in Climatega, nearly typing in the entire word Climategate:


Well that’s odd. Nobody’s searching for climategate at all. But wait: It’s not showing me words that start with Climatega. Rather, it’s showing me words that start with Climategua. Seems like a bug, right? Like those letters got pointed to the wrong place, almost.

Let’s back it up a letter and type in Climateg…

…still no climategate. Let’s back up another letter:


Well what do we have here? Climate gate scandal. (more…)