Tag Archives: ebola

If it ain’t the one thing, it’s the other

I find Pat Dollard entertaining.

Now why would @BarackObama do that? Why would he terrorize all those children?

He would terrorize the children because he’s black. Ah yes, do go on.

It’s an African psychopath’s punishment and revenge for the humiliations of slavery and colonialism, a general attack for his general hatred of the US, and a desire to make America suffer just like his home continent, kind of like saying “You, America, are no better than Africa.”

Is this true, Rush Limbaugh?

Radio host Rush Limbaugh suggested on Monday that President Barack Obama is refusing to divert flights from Ebola-infected countries and close down America’s borders because he believes that the nation “deserves” to be infected with the virus given its history of perpetuating slavery.

There you have it. It’s absolutely concretely true. Like Mammy’s socks I’ll be darned. Pat?

Obama’s advisors told him that without a flight ban, Ebola was 100% guaranteed to enter the United States. He is terrorizing and infecting the country on purpose.

Wait up there, buddy – that poor man in Dallas just died. YAAAY! We’re 100% Ebola free! A-mer-i-ca! A-mer-i-ca! The Apocalypse, she has been thoroughly Averted, no? Well, nooo.

Heck. Pat wins again.

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Let’s impeach him for Ebola as well

Why pray tell must we suffer a deadly dangerous outbreak of Ebola in our United States? That’s the big question. Well, partner, I’m not sure what exactly you mean by the word ‘outbreak.’ Perhaps you mean something else, like ‘containment’? A Liberian man came into contact with an infected woman back in Africa, then he returned here. That’s nothing like a contagion, that’s like a ‘commute.’ As a result America has now had itself a ‘containment.’ If, though, a couple dozen unlucky people in the Liberian’s neighborhood now come down with the virus I’m ready to concede an apocalypse. We will have ourselves an actual outbreak.

But some are already convinced Ebola has precipitated a devastating American health crisis. They’ve resorted to praying for the safety and welfare of their children and their church groups lest the epidemic run like a wildfire through their neighborhoods before they can make their peace with Him. As they typically become whenever Revelations descends upon them, or the moon fades to red, or the mayflies swarm ominously as a sign the country is being overtaken by dark forces from a far-flung continent, our conservative friends are now in shock. Thoroughly terrified. And very, very angry.

Barack Barry Soetoro Hussein Obama, Indonesian citizen and erstwhile Muslim, needs to be impeached. Now. Repeat, now.

Ho-hum Michael. C’mon, why?

The latest, and most egregious, example is the federal government’s (mis)handling of the spread of the Ebola epidemic… Ebola is already here, in Texas, in Georgia, probably in New York or New Jersey.

The coast-to-coast epidemic, unfortunately, died yesterday. I have no doubt this is a tragedy for our author given the very few days Patient Zero was given to convert Texas into jungled Africa. If he hadn’t enough time to turn even a single hospital into a mortician’s glossary, I fear someone is going to take it personally.

In addition, Obama-Soetoro, as “Commander-in-Chief,” has ordered 3,000 of our military personnel to the infected areas of Africa where it is inevitable that some, if not all, will become infected themselves.

Dateline: tomorrow. A long-missing Army troop transport appeared off Cocoa Beach, Florida, weeks late and wildly off-course shocking swimmers and sunbathers who gawked at the eerie sight. The ship ran silently aground on the beach minutes after 1 p.m. local time. Military police soon arrived at the scene and clambered aboard the carrier to look for survivors. Hours later officials in contact with the searchers confirmed that none of the passengers or crew had survived…

Is this how it’s supposed to go down? Because I’m betting anything big enough to carry 3,000 soldiers has room for a doctor. A small grotto for a couple of nurses. An overhead compartment big enough for a bitchin’ two-way radio, too.

They will then bring the disease home with them to infect God only knows how many more soldiers and American civilians.

OH I’ve got it all wrong. Here’s how it goes: The soldiers disembark and then sprint right back to catch the midnight mass at Our Lady of the Sanctified Channel. WHERE they all stand shivering in line waiting for a proper transmogrification, until the first of them arrives finally in front of the priest, poking a pale and palsying tongue out at Father Doocy. WHO only just barely manages to wonder ‘What the…?’ before receiving a skull-melting volley of the African Death Vomit to many a churchgoer’s shock, if not surprise. You will agree that this is something we, as Americans, should avoid.

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A case of nth-degree boobiary Ebola Panic

The truth is that Ebola virus really isn’t much of a threat. It’s only about as contagious as hepatitis. Unless you have some pressing need to go walking hand-in-hand with strangers along the Mesurado river, it’s something you can easily avoid. Ebola panic however is another story.

Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky declared on “The Laura Ingraham Show” that “this could get beyond our control” and worried, “Can you imagine if a whole ship full of our soldiers catch Ebola?”…

Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin floated the idea of quarantining airline passengers in the affected African countries before they could fly out. “We’re learning a lot about how it’s spread but the question is ‘How can a person just jump on a plane and get here without a quarantine period of 21 days,’ which I believe is recommended,” he said on a radio talk show Wednesday.

Can you imagine quarantining the thousands of people who arrive here from West Africa every day? Can you imagine lying so shamelessly about a Centers for Disease Control recommendation? Fuck you, Paul Ryan.

You know what’s a good way to deal with this problem? When an African man shows up in your Dallas emergency room with flu-like symptoms, you ask him: “Are you Liberian?” Here’s a sensible one: “Did you just fly here from Liberia?” And then there’s this corker: “Have you recently been in close contact with any Liberians dying from Ebola, in Liberia?” Asking even one of these practical questions of a vomiting stranger could give your puzzled medical staff valuable hints as to what they’re dealing with, but your mileage may vary. Notwithstanding: Booo! That’s not how these clusterfucks go, so now we’ve got a full-blown case of American Ebola Tremons. Matthew Continetti:

We are told that Benghazi was a spontaneous demonstration, that al Qaeda is on the run, that the border is secure as it has ever been, that Assad must go, that I didn’t draw a red line, the world drew a red line, that the IRS targeting of Tea Party groups involved not a smidgen of corruption, that the Islamic State is not Islamic…

The system can withstand only so many shocks.

Remember when those four guys were killed in Libya? It looked like sheer panic in my neighborhood, I can tell you.

The response by our government has been denial and delusion. But that has further alienated the public, and it won’t be long before things get really weird. Maybe it is time for the political class to panic, too.

Know hope? That’s passé.

Know fear.

You hear that? SShh! Did you HEAR THAT? This would be ghost whispering for our wingnut pals. If only the simple suggestion of ghosts having ears wouldn’t cause an outbreak of volcanic incontinence. THEY CAN HEAR YOU? Then there’s Jonah Goldberg.

If I were in charge of overseas contingency operations at the Islamic State or al-Qaeda, I would send as many suicide-bomber types back to America (and France and Britain) with a new weapon: Ebola.

What a mensch.

I’d tell them: Take as many connections as you can on the flight home. Help people with their luggage whenever possible. Leave a mess in the plane bathroom and a paper trail of your travels that will foment panic when ultimately revealed.

Really a helpful sort.

Have fun for as long as you can and maybe share your spit, sweat, and other stuff in as many creative ways as you can. See a show. Go to a water park and just hang out in the lazy river all day. Eat at a nice restaurant, leave a messy napkin. Don’t bother to wash your hands — and never flush (or if you do, make sure the toilet overflows!).

The Salt of the Girth. He is.

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Starring Ann Coulter in “Faster African! Die! Die!”

The question for today: What makes a hero?

There’s always some argument about this. We can’t agree who deserves to be called ‘heroic.’ For example: Can football players be heroes? You ask me: No. If they can do something great off the field, then I’ll be impressed. Otherwise they’re only grown men playing games. What about politicians? No, probably not. Very rarely do they become heroes. The few who do usually then become martyrs.

How about a soldier? Can he or she be a hero? If you ask Ann Coulter, the answer is clear.

[Pat] Tillman was an American original: virtuous, pure and masculine like only an American male can be. The stunningly handsome athlete walked away from a three-year, $3.6 million NFL contract with the Arizona Cardinals to join the U.S. military and fight in Afghanistan, where he was killed in April.

Here’s what Coulter finds so impressive:

He wanted no publicity and granted no interviews about his decision to leave pro football in the prime of his career and join the Army Rangers…

Tillman gave only an indirect explanation for his decision on the day after 9/11, when he said: “My great grandfather was at Pearl Harbor, and a lot of my family has gone and fought in wars, and I really haven’t done a damn thing as far as laying myself on the line like that.” He said he wanted to “pay something back” to America.

He died bringing freedom and democracy to 28 million Afghans… There is not another country in the world — certainly not in continental Europe — that could have produced a Pat Tillman.

He gave up a lucrative career to serve overseas, in a dangerous country. And he fought to bring “freedom and democracy to 28 million Afghans.” I don’t know about you, but color me impressed. While I’m not at all yet convinced the Afghans enjoy the freedom and democracy Pat brought them, I have no doubt he thought it was the right thing to do. And he died doing it. If you want to call him a hero, I’m pretty much okay with that.

Now, what about a doctor? Can a doctor be a hero? Ann Coulter:

I wonder how the Ebola doctor feels now that his humanitarian trip has cost a Christian charity much more than any services he rendered.

What was the point?… Why did Dr. Brantly have to go to Africa? The very first “risk factor” listed by the Mayo Clinic for Ebola — an incurable disease with a 90 percent fatality rate — is: “Travel to Africa.”

How confusing. Going to dangerous places and saving innocent lives are what make a man magnificently virile and American. If I remember correctly, that’s the sort of heroism that only this country’s males are capable of. And here we have a perfect example of indigenous selfless service, but Ann doesn’t seem to be turned on in the least. Just look at this title: Ebola Doc’s Condition Downgraded to ‘Idiotic’. She thinks this doctor is a complete dork.

What’s going on here? Can you help us out, Ann? Why is it that Tillman is so sexy and Brantly so stupid? Well, Ann informs me, it’s because America is in deep trouble. The country happens to be caught “in a pitched battle for its soul.” Huh?

More than 40 percent of babies are born out of wedlock. Despite the runaway success of “midnight basketball,” a healthy chunk of those children go on to murder other children, rape grandmothers, bury little girls alive — and then eat a sandwich. A power-mad president has thrown approximately 10 percent of all Americans off their health insurance — the rest of you to come! All our elite cultural institutions laugh at virginity and celebrate promiscuity.

So no, there’s nothing for a Christian to do here.

D’oh sarcasm. Brantly would have been quite the courageous and hunky doctor if only he’d tried to do something noble. I’d call him a hero if he’d simply dedicated his life to, say, stopping people from snickering at virtuous old maids, like Ann Coulter. Or if he’d turned to vigorously castigating the celebrities who flouted our norms, like Manhattan society slattern Ann Coulter. Right. If you think she’s just engaging in rough hyperbole, think again. That’s actually what Ann believes.

If Dr. Brantly had practiced at Cedars-Sinai hospital in Los Angeles and turned one single Hollywood power-broker to Christ, he would have done more good for the entire world than anything he could accomplish in a century spent in Liberia…

If he had provided health care for the uninsured editors, writers, videographers and pundits in Gotham and managed to open one set of eyes, he would have done more good than marinating himself in medieval diseases of the Third World.

Such is Virtue, Ann tells us. Above all the world’s other evils – over war, famine, pestilence, and death – it’s ‘liberalism’ that good men are obliged to vanquish. Accordingly, Ann probably believes that Pat Tillman was only shooting at some version of Afghanistan’s Democrats. And, of course, when the Hollywood pansies finally premiere Dr. Brantly, Medicine Man, she’ll be the one throwing Milk Duds from the back row. Until Jon Voight gets that remake of The Searchers green-lighted, where all the Comanches look like Kennedys, that’s about all of the movie-fun she can handle.

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