Browsing the archives for the newt gingrich tag.
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Newt Gingrich takes on the smartphone

aw dude

The thing is, don’t call this a “cell phone.” That only proves you don’t know what it is. If you knew anything at all, you would have found a word for this doohickey by now. It would have a proper name that Newt Gingrich could sign off on, for what it’s worth, which is everything. But you haven’t, and you can’t, so shut up while the reclusive genius starts a rare lecture about teleology and the Smartphone Moroccan Mongocipher. In soothing plastic, data chips and tingling mysteries, it embodies an epistemological conundrum only he appreciates but will be kind enough to hint at in the simplest terms, for you, because cows are stupid:

But think about it – if it’s taking pictures, it’s not a cell phone. If it has a McDonald’s app to tell you where McDonald’s is, based on your GPS location, that’s not a cell phone. If you can get Wikipedia or go to Google – that’s not a cell phone. If you can watch YouTube, that’s not a cell phone. Or Netflix.

Think about it.

THINK, dammit. But no you won’t because Newt just said ‘Wickee Pedia.’ Damn your petty intellect.

This device is something new and different. I’ve been calling it a handheld computer.

And he currently calls his car an “auto-MO-beele.” Newt might want to tackle the twentieth century before eyeing this one. And you, you wipe the chuckle snot from your face, peasant. Technically Newt is right, the doodad is a handheld computer. And it’s additionally a phone. So how about we call it . . The Compuphone? We good? I’m exhausted.

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Al Qaeda playing to win

we should listen to these people

The people want Social Security left alone. Want Medicare the way it is. And would like to see rich people pay a little more to help with the national debt. These are the issues Obama used to defeat the Republicans in the election.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Republican leader, says he “burst into laughter” Thursday when Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner outlined the administration proposal for averting the fiscal cliff. . .

And yet, here we are.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said Wednesday that House Republicans should stop negotiating with President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats on the fiscal cliff, saying that by doing so, they give Obama all of the leverage in the talks . .

“They are the majority. They’re not the minority,” he said, enunciating the words as if explaining the concept to someone who did not understand it. “They don’t need to cave in to Obama; they don’t need to form a ‘Surrender Caucus.’”

This is funny. Nobody proved himself to be more out of touch with America than Newt. But here he offers political wisdom, loser to loser.

The Republicans like hearing this stuff. I love it.

Just Walk Away, Republicans

RUSH: So what is the leverage that the Republicans have? To my mind the only leverage they’ve got is to walk away from this, to stop playing, to stop talking, to stop playing this game . .

You’re saying, “But, Rush, but, Rush, no matter what the Republicans do, they’re gonna get blamed for it.” Yes, totally true. No matter what happens. If there is a reported recession, in fact, it will be said to be the Republicans in the House fault. No matter what happens, that’s going to be said, and no matter what happens, as we sit here now, the American people, the majority of whom, are gonna believe that.

So back out of this and make sure you don’t have any fingerprints on this at all.

We’ll fuck your country, pal. Hey ma the terrorists are here.

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Newt Gingrich tells followers “Obama is going to win”

2012 campaign, see you so long fare thee well

Just days before the biggest importantest election in the history of the third rock from the sun, Definer of Civilization and Arouser of Those Who Form It Newt Gingrich shoots Mitt Romney’s campaign. No kidding. You heard me. Newt breaks the news to his e-mail slaves that Romney lost the election. There’s not thing-one anyone can do about it:

The email, titled “What’s really at stake this Tuesday …” came from Gingrich Marketplace – a newsletter coordinated by conservative news group Human Events.

“The truth is, the next election has already been decided. Obama is going to win. It’s nearly impossible to beat an incumbent president,” advertiser Porter Stansberry wrote in the email to Gingrich supporters. “What’s actually at stake right now is whether or not he will have a third-term.”

Apparently the Gingrich Marketplace missive was meant for the cutthroat titans in the second and third rings whirling around the mass of all political gravity, Newt, and not the Romneyfans in the sticks. So now the nobodies know what “Gingrich the historian applying the lessons of history to public life” has known for awhile and has been sharing with his Upper Moondog Thetans. Willard M. Romney: Dead Man Walking.

Conservative news group Human Events manages the Gingrich Marketplace emails, but Gingrich has a say over which advertisers can have their messages go out to the list . .

Human Events Vice President Joe Guerriero said the email was “a mistake.”

“It was actually scheduled to run on another of our lists,” Guerriero said.

And, no, Obama cannot legally run for a third term. Unless, once again, you-know-who already knows something we don’t.

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Forecast for the Gingrich campaign: 99.9% chance of Muslim president

2012 campaign, muslin death charge, narcissists

Newt Civilization, organizer of thee, arouser of those, also and system designer, struggles to maintain a campaign where children don’t scuttle alongside and laugh. Having scored two primaries eons ago, the Gingrich momentum stretched a tad falls short of maladroit tortoise. With his tracking in the tank and his unfavorable numbers still sky-high, the news breaks daily that people hate him. And GOP executives remind us this week that, if a brokered convention comes the Republicans’ way, only the winners of 5 or more primaries will be eligible for nomination.

So Newt has absolutely, concretely lost. Strike the big top, lead the elephants out to their boxcars, the circus is leaving. Goodbye.

But wait. Has anybody tried to tell voters that the President is a Muslim? GOOD one. Gin-Grich! Gin-Grich!

In a radio interview on Thursday, Newt Gingrich accused the “elite media” of failing to cover President Barack Obama’s ties to Islam, reiterating his claim that the president is “consistently apologizing” to Muslims. . .

“Do you think you are going to see two pages on Obama’s Muslim friends? Or two pages on the degree to which Obama is consistently apologizing to Islam while attacking the Catholic church?”

“Do you see anybody in the elite media prepared to say, gee, isn’t this kind of odd that we really worry a lot about the Quran and nothing about the Bible?”

No one’s ever questioned the identity or religion of Barack Mustapha Al-Malik Shah’Arab Obama before. This is a gambling, but potentially brilliant, strategy. At first, it appears to be nonsense: the Republicans nearly ended the Obama campaign in ’08 by proclaiming the candidate a bug-eyed Christian from the sect of Jeremiah Wright. But I must admit that, politically, there’s still something there. There’s some room for Gingrich to score points while Republican voters associate the President with unpopular issues, like “Skin Is Black.” More:

“. . it is very bizarre that he is desperately concerned to apologize to Muslim religious fanatics while they are killing young Americans while at the same time going to war against the Catholic church and against every right to live Protestant organization in the country.”

That would be bizarre. If he could see terrorists killing Americans in real time, say by satellite, and then send them apologies. That would be insane, frankly, in too many ways to consider. Nice try.

“Why does the president behave the way that people would think that [he’s Muslim]?” Gingrich said. “You have to ask, why would they believe that?”

Because he’s Muslim. It might also be because voters are sledgehammer-stupid.

“It’s not cause they’re stupid.”

Please, let’s not argue.

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Callooh Callay, it’s Jonah Fugging Goldberg

2012 campaign, fancy thinkin'

Syrian tanks are ripping civilians to shreds. The pedophiles in Los Angeles’ unified school district multiply by the day. And mass-less neutrinos may be flying faster than the speed of light. Who knows? The world is a hash.

Reality titters at us. If only someone would make sense of it all.

Jonah Goldberg
Mr. Right Eludes the GOP
National Review | Feb 22 2012

“If we could just take a little bit from each of them.”

I’ve lost track of how many people I have heard say some version of this in the last couple of months.

Cream soda and biscuits! Jonah Goldberg. Goldberg! He’s here. taaah-daaah.

If there’s anyone who can patch a mess — wait, did I say Jonah Goldberg? He’s here! He’s . . huum. He’s doing whatever he does. And soon everything becomes white on white, by bright white, fluorescent lit. Tinged with marshmallow, highlighted with frosted cotton, dusted in quick lime. Look at all the details.

You say, sir, none of your drooling, pine-headed sloths qualifies for the presidency? Stragety brainyhoo time. Jonah Time. A little bit of one here, and a little bit of the other there, and no one goes to the penitentiary. Is that it? You could sew the liver of one on to the face of the other, and you’d have yourself another Ronald Reagan. He was a bole-spotted jack o’lantern if ever there were one. Dude was sharp like a tack. The stupid, soul-rending process of sailing right into the wind, he was. Where did we all leave the football, Agent, eh, Beaner Suit-guy?

Take Newt Gingrich’s verbal dexterity, encyclopedic grasp of politics, and techno-optimism. Add in Rick Santorum’s authenticity and religious conviction.

Throw in a billion dollars, and you, sir, have yourself a deal. That way, I’ll be long gone before Rick Gingtorum accidentally sets fire to the wheat fields, killing milllions.

Combine that with the essence of Ron Paul’s principled passion for liberty and limited government.

So President Paul Santorich can then lynch the African-American rioters.

Stir vigorously and then pour into the handsome, squeaky-clean vessel of Mitt Romney (while keeping his business acumen and analytical skill).

And you have visited Satan upon this planet.

And voilà, you’d have the perfect candidate.

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Newt Gingrich’s bus, once gay curious, can no longer walk

2012 campaign, gays, yay

That must have been a sight.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign bus, shadowing the candidate here as he went from insulting Asians to lying to Jews, broke down on Sunset Boulevard near Crescent Heights. That would be in West Hollywood, the San Francisco of Los Angeles. The gentlemen of Boystown took to Twitter to remark on the karmic event:

More here and here.

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Rick Santorum Clowns and Pounds the Republican Trail

2012 campaign, derpes is not an STD, global warming, I doubt that, republicans

Anybody could have predicted this from Rick Santorum. Any time one of these donkey-slapping clowns gets an ‘attaboy’ from the caucus [(def) 'Attaboy': We avoided the bigger clown], he fires up an exploding cigar. These guys cannot stand success:

“This is a president who, just recently, in this Hosanna-Tabor case was basically making the argument that Catholics had to, you know, maybe even had to go so far as to hire women priests to comply with employment discrimination issues. This is a very hostile president to people of faith. He’s a hostile president, not just to people of faith, but to all freedoms.”

The president demands female priests. I think he’ll have the freedoms, please, in a scramble a la’ martinet. This makes absolutely no sense, so it must be true. If the president tied his shoes, Rick Santorum would know he just got lynched. He’s such a wuss, I’m pretty sure I could will him to pee his shorts. That makes sense. Therefore, your honor, little Ricky’s soggy bottom notwithstanding, it is a lie.

Now that we’ve set up a real-er reality (real traditional American flavor), let’s be sensible. Let’s marvel at Republican candidates.

Newt Gingrich won in South Carolina. So he asked his Florida fans to skip to the moon with him where he’ll establish the U.S.’ fifty-first state (sorry, Kashmir). Because that was so cool-headed, presidential and professional, Gingrich was immediately elected high-holy Galactic Viceroy, a position he’s had for centuries now. Lunacy policy wins the day.

Mitt Romney trounced the field in Florida. So he reaffirmed to a national television audience (or to those of us who can still afford cable service, a TV, plus some electricity) the reason he’s running for president: “I’m in this race because I care about Americans. I’m not concerned about the very poor.” Once everybody remembered that one of every four kids in America lives in poverty, they hoisted Mitt onto their shoulders and carried him across The Great Finish Line. Where he collapsed into the arms of Fabio, or Providence, maybe ecstasy, the end.

Somebody new won last night. So it’s Rick The Dragonheart’s turn to flex some muscle (bladder?). Surely, he’s seen how the other geniuses cashed in on success. Surely, he’s learned that the key to victory in the long run is to remain calm and to talk in measured tones. That’s all anybody would ask from a politician they might throw a vote at. ‘Dear clown: Act presidential, please.’ Can you do that? Rick?

“I for one understand just from science that there are one hundred factors that influence the climate. To suggest that one minor factor of which man’s contribution is a minor factor in the minor factor is the determining ingredient in the sauce that affects the entire global warming and cooling is just absurd on its face.”

Yes.

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Retail poltics left and right: We’re gay, they’re dangerous as hell

2012 campaign, hee haw, hypocrisy, republicans

Just came across this ad put together by the GOP. They go after the president in this one. They’re betting that a politician who constructs a fundraiser to include New York, scarves and shopping is faggot-y by regular American standards and shouldn’t be president. Maybe someone will see this and go chase Barack out of the White House at the business end of a Colt .99. Somewhere, fate tickles the will of a home-schooled minibike mechanic who masturbates over Dale Earnhardt’s Bible:

My reaction is “You must be kidding.” It’s glitzy fashion week in New York, and the GOP are pointing at a $40 bag? With nail polish in it? It probably costs you $50 to wave at a taxi on Fifth Avenue. Perhaps something went wrong with capitalism overnight? Or maybe Republican fundraising, which is American beyond question, is just better than that, and this is a reminder. $10,000 for a plate of chicken and broccoli beats the hell out of a bag of Petal Pink. When you dispose of your donation the next morning, you can exclaim “Much better!” when you pull the handle.

That’s not a couple of Jacksons insultingly spent. That’s not the latest outrage in the Great Recession. What’s outrageous is the way rich, disgusting Republicans attack the people who are cleaning up their disaster: by calling them disgusting and rich.

The GOP is annoyed we’d “host a ritzy NYC fashion show while 12 million Americans remain out of work?” What about putting those 12 million people out of work? How’s that for bad? If you were honest or gave a damn about anybody but yourselves, Republicans, you’d have offered a decade-long apology and lashed Phil Gramm to the pillory so we could piss on him walking home from the bar. YOU CAUSED THIS MESS.

And to pretend that anybody’s richer or dumber than you is some kind of prank. Your 2012 nominee for president is probably worth more than half the countries in Africa. The Koch brothers will funnel $200 million of their money into elections to select idiots who will strip away environmental protections and welcome global warming. Karl Rove will cram upwards of $240 million into this election cycle to favor people who promise to hate gays, bomb Iran and rub your nose in the gospel of Bizarro Jesus. Newt Gingrich, civilizer of our black children, would have been blown out of these finishing school talent shows if Shelly Adelson weren’t capable of signing $5 million checks in his sleep.

All Sheldon wants is that Jerusalem be recognized as Israel’s capital and that we invade Iran. Newt, of course, has publicly promised to do the former mere hours after he takes the oath of office. What he’s promised in secret we can look forward to finding out. This is traditional Republican politics. Nail polish is harmless.

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Tea Party Flap A Stuffed Into Romney Slot B

2012 campaign, teabaggers

Speaking of political people once seemingly important and powerful a year ago, where went the Tea Party? Where are they now? What have they been doing? How many bugs can they eat? I ask the questions no one else will.

“The Tea Party movement is dead. It’s gone,” says Chris Littleton, the cofounder of the Ohio Liberty Council, a statewide coalition of Tea Party groups in Ohio. “I think largely the Tea Party is irrelevant in the primaries. They aren’t passionate about any of the candidates, and if they are passionate, they’re for Ron Paul.”

And Ron Paul has been re-relegated to the sidelines. Ay, pobrecitos. The nation’s attention remains focused on right-wing politics, but nobody’s particularly interested in a teabagger any more. It must be depressing to feel so powerless after once having the Wonder Bread suits ply you with free hot dogs, placards and bus rides. Getting face time on Fox News with the likes of Sean Hannity — those were salad days, friend.

Mark Meckler, founder of the Tea Party Patriots, the nation’s largest Tea Party coalition, also says the Tea Party isn’t playing a role in picking the nominee. But that is by choice, not by accident, he says.

“The real Tea Party movement is not a political party, it’s a movement,” he says. “How can a movement endorse anybody? It really can’t.”

There’s a silly question. How can a group of people with a particular ideology pick a particular person? Obviously, it happens all the time.

I think this points out a certain truth: The Tea Party doesn’t have any ideology. They’re actually an expression of free-floating animus against a world evolving beyond their ken. A black president? An exploding ‘Latino’ population? A doomed white majority?

Scream it ain’t so. After giving so much to their beloved country, they’re limping into retirement, for what? So that their taxes can be used to pay for the healthcare/birthing of immigrants. It’s not true, but for them it’s a nightmare made real. Stop the government spending! This is not what the Founding Fathers, America’s white genius slave owners, would have tolerated. They remember what made America great.

Where is their 2012 cutting-edge traditionalist? Where’s their purist, rebel, soldier-thinker?

Ron Paul comes closest. He’s got racism in the bag: he’s been literally selling it for decades. The problem is he doesn’t actually relish targeting The Black Guy this way. Paul’s bank account has got a bigger taste for bigotry than his heart does. His loopy, war-dodging foreign policy makes him impotent against the Al Qaeda-hunting incumbent anyway, so forget him.

Newt Gingrich? He’s beautiful on the stump and in the debates, isn’t he? Poor kids will learn to unclog the nation’s toilets under President Gingrich. Black people haven’t yet learned how to work, incidentally. Problem? He won’t pull the trigger on the biggest target: immigrants. Here Gingrich throws away the game. He will not root out, jail, prosecute and expel the nation’s seemingly permanent foreign criminals. If you won’t bother with that, good lord, why bother with you?

Rick Santorum? A favorite of the spirited but entrenched Republican elites. But not the Tea Party. Why? He’s an avowed anachronism. He’s a giant-government social scold. He would throw the “issue” of contraception back to the states. Didn’t even know it was an issue, did you? He spends your hard-earned taxes like George W. Bush. He helped spend your-hard earned taxes the way George W. Bush did. He’d resurrect the War in Irag, $15 billion per month and all. No thanks.

That leaves Romney. Who’s obviously wrong on almost everything. Banker bailouts, healthcare, spinelessness, Mormonism, ugh. Except for one little thing: he could beat the black guy. You talk about huge. That’s why the hesitant mannequin just pulled half of the Tea Party people in Nevada. His potential will only loom larger as the primaries zoom by. So, hello Mitt.

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Mittens, Newton. Pick a Nickel-Tongued Devil.

2012 campaign, derpes is not an STD

Alright, Romney fans. Measured Mitten’s sizable head for a crown, have you? Not so fast. Plenty of us aren’t fans:

This morning Mitt Romney said he wasn’t concerned about the poor. The poor, after all, have food stamps and Medicaid. But don’t worry. If the safety net is broken, Patrician Mitt Romney will fix it so the poor can stay comfortably poor. After all, just look what he did in Massachusetts.

Zing. And didn’t Massachusetts love him for it? No.

Note the use of “they’re” in talking about the middle class. They have been hurt most. Not the poor. Not the rich. So much for the GOP condemning class warfare. Romney’s folks are going with it too . . The National Review sure does know how to pick them . .

Who’s the liberal scold? Erick Erickson, proprietor of ultra-right-wing Red State blog. I post this to demonstrate a point: Neither Mittens nor Newton can deal with prosperity. Once one of them gains the upper hand, he shoots his stupid mouth off, and what hard-won momentum he had tanks. In short, these two are clumsy. Incompetents.

Fer’instance. Riding high after his big upset in South Carolina, Gingrich spoke to a Florida crowd a week ago. He lobbied them with a bold vision:

“I think the number is 13,000 — when we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon, they can petition to become a state,” recalled Gingrich.

“By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American,” Gingrich added. “We will have commercial near-Earth activities that include science, tourism and manufacturing.”

The crowd showered him with mosaic applause and laughter. Good job, Newton. Mitt just beat you easily, on Tuesday.

Now it’s Romney’s turn to step on his own d*ck. Done! This could go on for a while.

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Sarah “Pallin’ Around With Terrorists” and the Politics of Personal Destruction

2012 campaign, hypocrisy, palin ha-ha

The GOP got real pissed about Newt crowding their presidential turf, so they figured they’d teach him a lesson. They’d rough him up a little bit. Send him a message. They sent their tommy-gun wielding trenchcoats to lumber around the political country looking for him.

Yesterday, Bob “Dick Pills” Dole, Elliot “Two Ells” Abrams, Ann “Goiter Gabooya” Coulter and Tom “You Do Not Have The Warden’s Permission To Date My Bunghole” Delay cornered the candidate and grabbed him by the hair. Dragged him to the internet. Tossed him around a bit.

GOP: We’re only kidding with you. We’re having a party. Hey, we just came home, and we haven’t seen you in a long time, eh? We’re breaking your balls. And you, you’re getting fucking fresh. Well, gee, we are so sorry. We didn’t mean to offend you . .

Newt: Fundamentally . .

GOP: Yeh, hmm. Right. Salud . .

Newt: Frankly . .

GOP: Now go home and get your fucking shinebox.

Well, this made Klondike Parkaboobs cry. And if she cries, you can expect a Facebooking:

Cannibals in GOP Establishment Employ Tactics of the Left
by Sarah Palin on Friday, January 27, 2012 at 2:57pm

We have witnessed something very disturbing this week. The Republican establishment which fought Ronald Reagan in the 1970s and which continues to fight the grassroots Tea Party movement today has adopted the tactics of the left in using the media and the politics of personal destruction to attack an opponent.

The politics of personal destruction, you say?

But this whole thing isn’t really about Newt Gingrich vs. Mitt Romney. It is about the GOP establishment vs. the Tea Party grassroots and independent Americans who are sick of the politics of personal destruction used now by both parties’ operatives . .

Oh dear. It’s sickening, isn’t it?

The way other folks behave?

Denigrating people.

Mocking people.

Debasing their good reputations.

Spreading the sorts . .

. . of rumors . .

. . and lies . .

. . that amount . .

. . to nothing . .

. . less than . .

. . an attempt . .

. . to annhilate . .

. . their fellow American?



It’s remarkable how the Tea Party remains above that.


(. . h/t ronaldjacksonX)

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Racists and Republicans May Have Low I.Q.

SCIENCE

It’s a Yahoo! article, but the synopsis delivers.

Low IQ & Conservative Beliefs Linked to Prejudice
LiveScience.com | By Stephanie Pappas

. . The research finds that children with low intelligence are more likely to hold prejudiced attitudes as adults. These findings point to a vicious cycle, according to lead researcher Gordon Hodson, a psychologist at Brock University in Ontario. Low-intelligence adults tend to gravitate toward socially conservative ideologies, the study found. Those ideologies, in turn, stress hierarchy and resistance to change, attitudes that can contribute to prejudice, Hodson wrote in an email to LiveScience.

Hello, Dad. Rest in peace.

As suspected, low intelligence in childhood corresponded with racism in adulthood. But the factor that explained the relationship between these two variables was political: When researchers included social conservatism in the analysis, those ideologies accounted for much of the link between brains and bias.

People with lower cognitive abilities also had less contact with people of other races.

“This finding is consistent with recent research demonstrating that intergroup contact is mentally challenging and cognitively draining, and consistent with findings that contact reduces prejudice,” said Hodson, who along with his colleagues published these results online Jan. 5 in the journal Psychological Science.

The “Definer of Civilization” never met civilization? This is a scandal.

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