Tag Archives: photoshop

But you’re the lame one

Considering all the blahblah over Phil Robertson, the mudcaked millionaire-dealer of birdkill paraphernalia, and Pajama Boy, the surprisingly well-endowed homosexual opportunist biding time in your son’s freshman dorm room, one thing has become perfectly clear (funny what a difference a few days make). Though we may not have known either of these people a week ago, we know each of them now as archetypes.

One of them is rough and rugged, and the other is foofy and fay. One of them came to fame and fortune by way of hard-work and ingenuity, the other by way of ranging institutional propaganda. One of them is God-fearing, which is proper, and the other fears disease and the cold of night, which is laughable. Or to put all of this more generally and universally, one of them is really them. And the other one is you.


Get it? Hint: You’re not the one with the 1000-yard stare.

Pajama Boy vs G.I. Joe

There you are again, but on the right. I see you put whip cream on your cocoa. And he put an asswhipping on Adolf and the rest of the boys from Berlin, all the while wearing Phil Silvers’ grin. Later: He ferrets all the Mengeles out of Brazil and Argentina, wins a Nugent Medal of Honor.

Of course there were perhaps hundreds of Photoshops of the two partisan heroes side-by-side, but that was a lot like bloggers re-telling their favorite scenes from the Schwarzenegger/DeVito documentary Twins. It took the more ambitious and Christian among them to employ the Robertson comparisons to greater effect:


And you’re Louis Farrakhan. Or you wish you had that sort of “courage,” and were as well that sort of “hero” to the President notwithstanding his stance on anti-Semitic demagogues. Anyway you’re certainly no sort of Phil Robertson as you’re probably a Muslim. Or you don’t particularly mind them, which may be worse frankly.


And you’re this Arab fellow too. Who hates homosexuals more than you do? What, wait, he’s Persian? Who the hell even knows crap like that? Quote Erotic Nostradamus.

Of course you don’t even need the full side-by-side treatment to make a devastating point. Not with queer bait as candy-musky as Pajama Boy. Anything that looks remotely like him is instantly insulted, perhaps irrevocably. I mean:


She has a television show ferchrissakes! Or she used to, before she resigned after seeing her face on the internet. Eventually they just went after the source of the trouble – all trouble – and they animated him, as Pajama Boy:


Let’s make fun of Jan Brewer!

Happy Friday. Yes, sshhh, I’m lazy. Let the silliness begin.

Okay. Number One: suave, thoroughly skull-ectable candidate:

Janny! You got my vote.

Number Two: Who’s sufficiently expert to volunteer testimony before the Senate Committee on Lipsticked Sloth Snacking?

Jan Brewer! Yay!

. . and whatever, who cares, it’s a peach Skele-Jan:

Marry me! Mexicans suck!


Mahmoud ‘crab-face’ Ahmadinejad attacks Paul the Psychic Octopus: Paul responds

Iranian president Ahmadinejad denounces superstitious West over Paul the Octopus
Last updated at 8:10 PM on 27th July 2010

. . The excitable Iranian dictator has temporarily shifted away from favourite targets Israel and America to condemn the eight-legged World Cup tipping sensation as a symbol of decadence and decay among his enemies.

. . he has earned the wrath of Iranian president for spreading ‘western propaganda and superstition’.

‘Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values,’ Ahmadinejad said.

Paul the Octopus responds


Why vote for Sarah Palin? Cuz’ Hawtdumb ‘MERICA totes wants Hawtdumb PREZANENT

That’s right, ugly motherfuckers, choke on the electric flesh. Bask in the power of the g-stringed glands and the ever-present scent of musk–America’s first Sex President is here.

Sarah Palin stalks the White House like a lurking lady-tiger backs up on a man-tiger’s jungle cock. And by that I mean she’d appreciate your vote, yoo betcha. And then she’d like to roger you incontinent and have 99 of your kids, and it’s about fucking time we had a real President, right?

Because it’s fucking time. Please don’t be turned off by it. Don’t only be a prude in the New America. This is the free-wheeling kingdom of the twin royals, hot and dumb, dude. Where folks are celebrities not because of what they accomplish, what they think, or what they write. People are famous because of what they look like in your mind, naked and down on their knees. Well, at least until they begin to become un-famous. And then they become famous again for what their freshly-shaven vaginas look like just above the limo seats.

Hawtdumb ‘Merica has just had enough of the uptight snorts who demand that people be talented, accomplished or hard working in order for the public to pay proper attention. Why can’t folks be rewarded with important and serious stuff for being totally smokin’ and horny? Sure, they may not know how to diagnose your bronchitis, may get confused over which end of the stethoscope goes against your skin, but how do you know they won’t just whip off their shirts, too? People will clamor for office visits. And softer butcher paper, maybe by Playtex.

The open embrace of Hawtdumb is the secret joy of all those Conservatives who once were so stodgy-bored about their candidates having intellect, or fortitude, and gravitas. They’re finally free to admit that what they’ve really been about all this time is perceived sexual power. Tall men, deep voices and iron-square jaws and cranky attitudes, red, white, and blue, and boy howdy I bet that guy can really fuck. You’ve got my vote, Randy! Yeeeeeehaw.

Back in the old days, those guys were ‘winners’. They quarterbacked the football team, ran the debate squad, gave the valedictory speech. Wrote influential books, won awards. They got out of the house, got out of the home town, went off and did the things that Americans bragged about.

John McCain was a last vestige of that version of what Republicans wanted. He went to Annapolis, served the country, he went to war. But you can see how even that model has become mostly a memory for the right: John was actually a stupid student, a terrible pilot, crashed a bunch of planes, got shot down, barely survived. He’s been trying to be that guy, but failed. He should have just slipped into the House of Representatives for a few years and then gone home and retired.

But with their allowing the lapse of the previous ‘capable’ model, with so many ‘new’ stupid and clueless Republicans choking the scene, who else could they have turned to? The business-Mor-man, Mitt Romney? He scares the shit out of dogs. The preacher, Huckabee? He breeds zeppelins. Bobby Jindal? He’s brown–in all the South, that only plays in Louisiana.

So they settled for McCain. But while they were doing that, they also developed a taste for the new breed. The people that stirred up the most right-side excitement in the last election were the retardeds, Fred Thompson and Sarah Palin. No, neither one of them had done squat shit in their lives other than gravitate to cameras and traffic in politics. And neither of them had enough intellectual firepower to snap off a punchline. These people were close to being sleeping turtles, but Republicans just loved them and love them still.

Why? Indeed. Chris Matthews knows why, it was exactly what he was talking about when, of Fred, he asked a guest “Does he have sex appeal? … Gene, do you think there’s a sex appeal for this guy, this sort of mature, older man, you know? … Can you smell the English leather on this guy, the Aqua Velva, the sort of mature man’s shaving cream, or whatever, you know, after he shaved? Do you smell that sort of — a little bit of cigar smoke?” Men talking about men like that. I suppose it has to be done when it’s the only relevant issue about Fred Thompson’s hilariously fatal candidacy. That, and his hot young wife, same thing.

And so it is with Palin, but in supple spades. She is horny and porny and she shoots living, breathing things, making them jizz their blood. Yeeeeeehaw, that’s a happy ending. Does she know what the Bush Doctrine is? No. Does she read……mmm, newspapers? No. Hell, had she even been much outside of tiny Wasilla before she became the state’s Governor? Bite my nipples.

Had she ever anythinged, anywhere, anyway? Other than bankrupt her home town? Do I really have to go on with this post? Isn’t it obvious what the hell Sarah’s game and fame are about? This person, from the world of politicians, who once were known for their silver tongues and acrobatic ways with language? Who got off this sentence folksy line curious construction mind grinder felony alphabet abortion in a welcome address for Michael Reagan?

“I’ll know that I have spoken up and I will speak up to thank people like Mr. Reagan, as we honor his dad, to encourage you too, Alaskans, to do the same and don’t just hang in there and go along to get along but stand up and speak up, and be bold and demand that Washington be prudent with our public monies and prioritize for America’s security, and forget the political correctness that makes one guard your conversation, and couch our words so cautiously that they lose meaning, and we lose effectiveness, and then we lose hope because we start thinking that politicians are only worried about their poll numbers and attracting campaign contributions for their next bid so that they can hold on to some title and some position.”

Aaaaah. She’s speaking your language, Conservatives. Or, in an other word, “XCKYJIPHGLE”. So mellifluous, it rolls off your tongue, after your tongue has been stabbed in its balls. Can’t wait for that radio show of hers, satellites crashing into each other trying to zero the signal.

“What’s the emergency, Bob?”
“We’re getting a repeating message off of one of the TELSTARS. Strange.”
“Well, what is it?”
“Just this: NO. PLEASE. ANTENNAE.”

Okay, enough, no further. C’mon, we all know there’s really no sense in her mangling a radio station. Between the ubiquitous cable play-by-play of the Hiltons, Simpsons and Kardashians, we’re already drowning in hot helium. The real essential, underlying Palin message just isn’t English, isn’t language at all, but it is already abundantly clear, and it’s never going to change. Cheaply polarizing, stoking one side, horrifying the other, it’s this:

“America? I will fuck you.”


Robert Stacy McCain: If you attack Sarah Palin, you’re gay and hate vaginas

Well, we have an early candidate for Dumbfuck Post of the Year. Robert Stacy McCain, who writes for the Moonie Times, and his “The Other McCain” blog dropped this Palinophile crap on the internet.

This is it: ‘I know what’s really going on here. You guys are gay, and that makes you losers because my genius superpowers figured out how you are all gay.’

So why would a writer leap to a conclusion that someone else is gay, and therefore intellectually hamstrung and defective, only to write that he has no idea who this someone actually is? ‘YOU’re all GAY, that’s why.

It takes small people to stoop this low

Says Professor William Jacobson regarding Wonkette’s despicable treatment of Sarah Palin’s year-old son, Trig. And I would amend the professor’s sentiments only to improve them by saying, “It takes gay men to stoop this low.”

Yeah, I just wrote that. And put it on the Internet.

An awesome start, if you’d like to be seen as some eternal asshole. Straight folks can be scum, sure, but if you really want to see some low-life shit, try homo.

We could reference Susan Sontag’s Notes On Camp here, or we could invite comment from various rogue lesbians — Tammy Bruce, Camille Paglia, Cynthia Yockey — who from time to time have criticized gay culture in a way that certainly cannot be denounced as “homophobic.” But rather than make an argumentum ad vericundiam, let me defend my own argument on the basis of personal observation:

Now McCain is pretending to be smart here, which is a sure tip off, since he’s an average Conservative, that a simpleton’s argument’s crammed in the web cannon. If we were smarter, we’d take cover…

*Gay men have mother issues. This has been a subject of much controversy. Freud’s view of homosexuality as a species of mental illness, and the resulting conception of homosexuality as a psychopathology requiring therapeutic intervention, has wrought much mischief over the years. Yet Freud was certainly correct to think of homosexuality as an [sic] matter of development with roots in early childhood, particularly in the parent-child relationship. No need to indulge in elaborate symbolism or references to Greek mythology (Freud was full of crap about that) to say this: It is obvious that most gay men can’t get past the “female = Mom” hurdle in their minds. We could discuss that at length, but this is a blog, not an advanced psychology text, so let’s move on.

Where do I begin to torch this zeppelin of stupidity? Gay men have mother issues. Why? It’s been controversial, Freud caused mischief, then he was totally right, then he was totally wrong. And gay men can’t get past the “female = Mom” hurdle, and let’s not go there like an advanced psychology text though I’m an idiot.

What? There are six sentences in that paragraph, and none of them are connected to each other, other than by mention of Freud. It’s classic Conservative writing, everything moves forward by secret association and kabuki.

And if I’ve interpreted McCain’s nonsense correctly, isn’t the “female = Mom hurdle” only a real problem for straight men? Me I would never want to date my Mom. If the ‘hurdle’ exists for gays then they’d be stuck thinking all women are ‘Mom’, big deal. I’d very much doubt they’d want to poke fun at Sarah Palin then. Dumbshit obviously didn’t think twice about what he was writing, he was too satisfied with the triumphal insult of calling people ‘gay.’

Anyways, here are more of his horrific ‘insights’ into what gay people are like:

* Gay men are gynophobic. Which is to say, they are repulsed by the basic physical equipment of female sexuality. They’ve got no admiration for your vajayjay, ladies…

* Gay male culture is profoundly misogynistic. One of the most absurd claims of feminism is that the fashion industry’s mistreatment of women…is a manifestation of oppressive patriarchal sexism. This is a lie that could only deceive anyone so stupid they don’t notice that all men in the fashion industry are gay. To the extent that the Vogue and Cosmo are misognystic hate literature (as all Women’s Studies majors are taught), it is because they represent the typical gay man’s view of women.

* The normalization of gay culture requires the derogation of traditional female roles… One reason lesbians like Cynthia Yockey become disenchanted with the Official Gay Movement is the recognition that they’re riding in the back of the Equality Bus, and that the feminist “sisterhood” has made a cynical deal with the misogynistic gay-male Devil.

You can see why I claim this post as a ‘Dumbfuck #1’ candidate.


Sarah Palin and oblivious cohort again use baby Trig to attack their political enemies

Just how stupid are Palin and her fans? It is a fathomless question.

Wonkette Goes After Trig Palin Again

It really is hard to understand why some adults feel the need to make fun of Trig Palin, a one-year old who has Down Syndrome. Politics alone cannot explain it. If you don’t like Sarah Palin, fine, but why go after Trig?

…Now Wonkette has taken Biegel’s Photoshop antics as an excuse to go after Trig anew. In a recent post, Wonkette promoted and joked about even cruder Photoshops of Trig at the Something Awful web forum, where people can post anonymously. Wonkette even included one of these photoshops [below] in its post while mocking Trig as the “New Jesus,” “Holy Infant” and “Sacred One.”

Why did Wonkette use the ‘religious’ language? Here. Read the evil, acrid Wonkette post below at your own risk. Obviously, photoshoppers don’t give a damn about the narcissistic Alaska Governor, her shameless ambition, or her endless campaign for the Presidency. They just want to hurt the 1 year old kid.

Sarah Palin Will Soon Condemn, Bomb Entire Internet

The Virgin Palin, Our Lady of Eternal Anger, gave birth to the New Jesus at some point last year — or not, who knows, and now Andrew Sullivan just cares about Iran (which is a good thing!) so we’ll never find out the truth — and ever since it has been both a Cardinal/Venial Sin and Sharia Law that no mortal shall “desecrate” an image of the Sacred One … no one but Sarah Palin herself, because Allah both allows and encourages the use of the Holy Infant as a cheap political prop as long as such cruel hackery is performed by the Virgin Palin herself.

Palin’s fury was such, when she found out some blog “on the Internet” had combined a picture of her cradling one of her Magic Babies together with a picture of her Jedi Master, some dingbat old radio talk-show clown in Alaska, that she did verily send her dumbest disciple, “Brother Meg,” to start a Jihad against the Entire Internet.

But we know what happens when a fear-and-anger crazed Snow Witch starts a vain war she can never hope to win: The Internet Strikes Back.

Which is to say, Palin basically poked a stick in the world’s largest beehive filled with cheap & tireless insanity, and the SomethingAwful.com goons have unleashed a pack of Photoshop Dogs From Hell to make the most incredible collection of Sarah Palin Desecration Images in the History of Time, the end.

So Wonkette made fun of the dense, endlessly self-centered and always-politically-attacking Palin and her supporters by posting even more hilariously photoshopped pics? And Palinites responded by doing exactly the same robotic thing they were mocked for?

Naw, we just hate babies, can’t help it.