You started it, bitch

As for giving as good as he gets, Barack Obama isn’t just talented. He’s brilliant. He’s by far the wittiest president we’ve had in the last 50 years.

Touché. This is funny:

Nice Elon. Of course the president being – once again – such a divisive little man (he wears it like a suit of skin) only drives Republicans deeper into their homeland of butthurt. Mind you, we know exactly what he meant to say in his address because the text was released beforehand, so the jibe was clearly ad-libbed. It was only an answer to the Republicans trolling him with a sarcastic ovation. Nonetheless, he’s really a very nasty little tar baby politician.

Washington Times:

“Obama calls for civility, then immediately taunts Republicans over his two presidential wins”

Actually, Obama calls for civility and then Republicans immediately taunt him. So he answers back – and that’s where the brutality begins. These people are such a bunch of entitled jerks they think they own the franchise. Weekly Standard:

“Video: Obama Taunts Republicans: ‘I Know Because I Won Both of Them’”

Is there such a word as ‘back-taunt’? Not that they would dare use it, I’m just curious. Breitbart:

“Obama Gloats: ‘I Know Because I Won Both of Them’”

How about the word ‘gloat-counter’? Or ‘parry-gloat’? They sound as if he’s been giving them the wet willy for six years and they can no longer think. Comments?

• Regardless of politics, you got to admit, that was lacking class

• There is nothing “badass” about this homosexual illegal alien Usurper in the WH calling himself Obama he’s just a sock puppet for President Jarrett anyway.

• He slaps like a weak effeminate

…so the quip is a big nothing, but what a classless little fag he is for using it. Got it. This Bloomberg headline I love, trolling Obama’s trolling of the GOP’s trolling:

“He Won Two, But Obama’s Speech Shows There’s Always a Next Election”

So I guess we’ll see you Mr. Obama in 2017…aaaw but you won’t be around any more, will ya? I wonder how long it took them to come up with a riposte, probably about an hour longer than their target. Look, it’s the Former Virgin:

One wonders if Ben and his remarkable civility can remember Rep. Wilson interrupting a previous Obama speech with perhaps the classiest State of the Union moment ever.

Why yes of course Ben does, because last year he used Joe’s very classy SOTU hissy-fit to point out that liberals are all liars. As always, with these people, what constitutes fair play turns on the core belief that they are the powerless. In that miserable state it’s only proper to let them be as class-independent as they like…

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It’s D’Crepit, it’s D’Mented, it’s D’Souza

And so there I was, drunk. As I usually am on any night before a holiday. Why not, Martha? And I was playing some darts at the English pub up the ways. I had all of 50 points left to win my last game, and what did I do? I went and threw a double bullseye. Yep, that’s right. And I thought ‘Well now that’s some Michael Jordan shit right there.’

But for sheer balls I could never manage a D’Souza tweet. Buddha no, that’s out of my league. I’d have to throw idling oil tankers at the bullseye with my eyes closed, hitting it 99 times in a row, then throw the battered dartboard into deep space, striking a particular streaking Van Allen Belt helium atom and shattering it into its substantive protons and neutrons, with the particles doing the fling galactic, getting sucked into the four corners of space-time, wherein roiling monstrous black holes spew said atom bits into wholly separate universes, from which nothing, no thing – ever – could remotely be said to ever come back. And then. The bits would have to zoom right back to the English Pub and – skree! – stop on a dime to form a drunken pyramid, and sing the Wonderama theme song to an amused crowd while I stood in the bathroom peeing on one of those bullseye urinal cakes, with a mounting sense of Deja Vu, a long time before I ever was born. For me to compare myself to Martin Luther King, Junior.

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And now the Amazing Kreskin will invade, shortly

Politico does some hot dishing about a certain celebrity:

As Mitt Romney’s supporters push the idea that the 2012 Republican nominee might run for president again, one of their core talking points is that Romney was a foreign policy prophet in the last campaign.

He took on John Bolton as his principle foreign policy adviser. And millions of people have since been slaughtered for any number of reasons around the world, so that was certainly of a piece.

His vindication on several scores, they argue, gives him a rationale to run again — and a leg up on his potential Republican rivals.

Willard’s vindication stemming from his vomiting the usual bilious corn-bedazzled oleo of right-wing paranoia and violence for its own sake, thank you. But seeing as how this is Politico, we are at least provided an a la carte menu of his 2012 global psychic masterstrokes. Witness how he – and only he – somehow knew the knowing of the ultimate if only somehow it could be somehow known. Take note of how he did see the seeing of the cryptically impenetrable unpossible never reasonably to be seen:

He saw Vladimir Putin as a threat to peace.

But not the president. He never saw that, golly no.

He insisted that radical Islam was spreading.

Obama? He assured us that radical Islam had just breathed its last rasping breath and expired underneath the crackling hot lights of the dance floor, much like the Lambada.

He warned that Iraq was at risk without American troops to stabilize it.

I remember the president somewhat having a handle on this one. But when Iraq no longer wants you around, and your own country has grown tired of kickin’ it in a slaughterhouse – a soul- and self-grinding enterprise, truly – what are you gonna do? Call an airstrike on the Status of Forces agreement?

C’mon, but seriously now. Let’s not quibble, let’s get to the point. Who knew the What? And the When? Because the point to be made here is that there’s a critical difference between the winner in 2012 and the loser, and that difference is…waaait for it…

…And he was right.

Mitt was right. That’s the key point, and there’s nothing more to be said. Of course if we’d elected him president, the way that Politico seems to think he deserved to be, thousands more Americans would have by now died in Iraq, in Syria, and in the Crimea. And, praise be gracious thanks to John Bolton, nice job their walrus snoot, we’d currently have a couple hundred thousand soldiers crawling on their bellies toward the bright and fiery lights of Tehran. What in the world were we thinking…

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Religious fundamentalism making a nightmare of this world

Regarding the horrific massacre at Charlie Hebdo, I am in full agreement with Charlie.

This is the mass, unbridled, brainless Id of the barbarian at war with modernity in all its expressions. This is where anti-science leads, where a contempt for education leads, where the suppression of women leads, where marrying political fanaticism to religious fervor almost always leads. This is where theocracy brings us, over and over again.

And to say this in America is no small thing. It’s nowhere near as courageous, or dangerous, as printing cartoons of the prophet Mohammed on your magazine’s front page after having your office firebombed. But to call attention to the ever-lurking dangers of politically ravenous Christianism is to earn focused hatred from our own right-wing.

Because by way of the their unholy triumvirate, alongside Big Money and Big Business, Republican politics is wholly owned by the Big Prophet: Jesus Christ. When was the last time, for instance, you heard a Republican run for the Oval Office without receiving His singular blessing? T’would be unthinkable, because conservatives demand that their potential government servants be divinely and fervently empowered – and strictly, only – by Him. Michelle Bachmann:

“God then called me to run for the United States Congress,” she said. “Who in their right mind would spend two years to run for a job that lasts for two years? You’d have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ.”

Herman Cain:

“I prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m a man of faith,” Cain said. “And when I finally realized that it was God saying that this is what I needed to do, I was like Moses. ‘You’ve got the wrong man, Lord. Are you sure?’”

Rick Perry:

“I’m getting more and more comfortable every day that this is what I’ve been called to do. This is what America needs.”

Rick Santorum:

“People have asked me…over these last 18 months whether I’m running, and I always say, ‘I’m walking.’ And I’m walking because I’m trying to walk in the path that God’s leading me in…”

You will note that each one of these holy-rollers led Republican polling at one time or another in the 2012 campaign. But I’m not here to allege that these people are, or would be, prone to political violence. What I’m here to tell you is that any politics which must be subservient to religion is dangerous. It’s a politics crafted to be a weapon for the few and the pure, and, thus, wholly threatening to Western-style democracy. Here to demonstrate the dangers of dominion I give you the President of the Catholic League, conservative icon Bill Donohue:

“Stephane Charbonnier, the paper’s publisher, was killed today in the slaughter,” he wrote. “It is too bad that he didn’t understand the role he played in his tragic death. In 2012, when asked why he insults Muslims, he said, ‘Muhammad isn’t sacred to me.’ Had he not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Donohue lays the blame for Charbonnier’s shocking murder at the foot of his casket. He warns: “Mister if you think you’re someone who can just say whatever he pleases, you’re a real narcissist. Don’t be surprised when the true believers you run afoul of show up to blow your head off.” This is not a traditional American attitude, you know? Perhaps that view was once in vogue when the defenders of the faith felt the need to burn witches, but we’ve managed to cobble together a Constitution – with notable amendments – since then. Usually we carry these free speech conceits around with us while addressing related matters, but Donohue hasn’t noticed:

“What unites Muslims in their anger against Charlie Hebdo is the vulgar manner in which Muhammad has been portrayed. What they object to is being intentionally insulted over the course of many years. On this aspect, I am in total agreement with them.

As if some religious beliefs are held so dearly, by some people, that our own Bill of Rights really ought to defer on the relevant points. Perhaps we might call it then A Bill of Particulars, as custom-ordered by well-loved religions. The First Amendment ought to bow and scrape to Christendom first, of course, followed by Judaism second, and then, somewhere down the line, past some zanier sects of Voodoo and Beatlemania, eventually Islam (time permitting).

Of course anyone who would wholly empower their private religious beliefs to dictate a nation’s multi-cultural post-modern politics isn’t interested in what anyone outside that belief system ultimately thinks, or feels. They’re not interested in power-sharing. They’re not interested in compromise. They’re not even interested in what Christ himself would think of such apartheid. They only want to Hosanna unmolested inside their members-only construct while all you outsiders disappear. Which is why Bill Donohue is such an asshole.

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New Goldberg is both a floor wax AND a dessert topping

January of 2008. George W. Bush is a thoroughly despised figure. He’s seen as a cockish man-child whose stubborn stupidity has killed thousands of American soldiers and tens of thousands of women and children overseas. As a result, there’s little hope for any Republican in the approaching November election. Chafing from the criticism, Jonah Goldberg debuts his epic whine, Liberal Fascism.

The first appearance of modern totalitarianism in the Western world wasn’t in Italy or Germany but in the United States of America. How else would you describe a country where the world’s first modern propaganda ministry was established; political prisoners by the thousands were harassed, beaten, spied upon, and thrown in jail simply for expressing private opinions; the national leader accused foreigners or immigrants of injecting treasonous “poison into the American bloodstream;” newspapers and magazines were shut down for criticizing the government; nearly a hundred thousand government propaganda agents were sent out among the people to whip up support for the regime and its war; college professors imposed loyalty oaths on their colleagues; nearly a quarter-million goons were given legal authority to intimidate and beat “slackers” and dissenters; and leading artists and writers dedicated their crafts to proselytizing for the government?

January of 2015. Republicans have for years obstructed, slapped down and bamboozled the federal government by way of majorities in the Supreme Court and the House of Representatives. And now, unbelievably, they’ve just seized control of the Senate. Jonah Goldberg clarifies his former position:

Who’s Running the Country?
National Review | January 2, 2015

…the joke is on us. You see, no one is running the country.

I don’t mean that as a knock on President Obama. No president “runs” America because the government doesn’t run America — and the president barely runs the government. He can scarcely tell his own employees what to do…

Again. In 2008, after George Bush took a powder in Texas while a hurricane drowned New Orleans:

Fascism is a religion of the state. It assumes the organic unity of the body politic and longs for a national leader attuned to the will of the people. It is totalitarian in that it views everything as political and holds that any action by the state is justified to achieve the common good. It takes responsibility for all aspects of life, including our health and well-being, and seeks to impose uniformity of thought and action, whether by force or through regulation and social pressure. Everything, including the economy and religion, must be aligned with its objectives. Any rival identity is part of the “problem” and therefore defined as the enemy. I will argue that contemporary American liberalism embodies all of these aspects of fascism.

And today. On the eve of fag-bashing Tea Party conspiracists taking control of the government:

The notion that there’s a class or group of people secretly running things is ancient. It was old when the Roman consul Lucius Cassius famously asked, “Cui bono?” (“To whose benefit?”)

The reason is that we seem to be hardwired to assume there are no accidents, that the world is the way it is because people — hidden people — want it that way. The more extreme expressions of this cognitive reflex take many forms, whether anti-Semitic (Who benefits? The Jews!) or Marxist (Who benefits? The ruling classes!) or comedic (“Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!”)…

…let’s not forget any bestselling authors who might like to gesture wildly at their mild-mannered neighbors and cry out Fascist! (Who benefits? The doughy pantloads!) Can this man recognize himself in the mirror? If someone yells ‘Jonah!’, will he lift his head?

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He can go to the NFL, he can go to the Hall of Fame, but he’ll always be a rapist

These young men are my heroes.

On Thursday, Oregon beat Florida State by 59-20 in the College Football Playoff semifinal. As Oregon football players celebrated their win after the game, video taken on the field shows at least three of them chanting “no means no” to the tune of a chant that’s used by Florida State fans.

That is quite beautiful. First they rout the hell out of Florida State, then they taunt their Heisman-rapist quarterback by singing “no means no” to the school’s white boy ‘war chant.’ I suppose I’d be even more tickled if they’d mock-shivved Winston at midfield while singing Social D’s ‘Prison Bound’, but not by much.

If you’re unlike me and think maybe this Jameis fella isn’t a stone cold rapist, try reading Vice’s rundown of the university’s clownish conduct hearing.

It’s bad enough when a university thinks so little of such a hearing that they won’t even bother to find a judge who knows the first thing about how it’s to be conducted. But even worse, this Winston kid never took it seriously in the least. It’s as if he knew the whole thing was a charade. Judging from his Heisman speech it’s obvious the young man is nearly illiterate, but look at his opening statement:

“During our consensual sexual interactions Complainant engaged in a little sexual talk and took other actions that made it clear that the sex was consensual and she was enjoying having sex with me. If Complainant did not want to have oral sex or intercourse with me she was fully capable of expressing it to me.”

In the two years that the university ducked, impeded and stonewalled a proper criminal investigation, they managed to get him a law degree? How civilized this guy is. Talk about your weasel bullshit. And then this:

He noted that “rape is a vicious crime,” but also that “the only thing as vicious as rape is falsely accusing someone of rape.”

How about a rapist using a school’s multi-million dollar football program to dodge penitentiary time? How about pretending to be the real victim? I find that to be pretty vicious, and disgusting.

The victim then recounted her harrowing story.

“[Winston] raped me twice on his bed where I lay frozen but telling him to stop. And again when he put me on the bathroom floor and locked the door and told me it was locked. Then I struggled against him as hard as I could, but he over-powered me and dragged me. I tried to push and kick him off of me, but he pinned me down by the arms and the leg like (indicating). I kept telling him to stop, but he covered my face and mouth with one hand and jammed it hard to the side like this (indicating), like on the floor like this (indicating). I believe this is where my head pain came from.”

And then she produced one witness after another to corroborate her alarm, tears, and vomiting in reaction to what happened.

The next friend to testify said to the woman that on the morning of December 7, 2012, “You were shaking, you were crying, you had been throwing up. You were like — it just had changed completely from anything I’ve ever seen. You were not stable, you just — I don’t know, when you tried to even talk to me you could barely talk.” When the woman asked this friend a similar question as she did to her other one, saying “in the past two years, have I ever given you the impression that I in any way consented to any of the sexual acts committed by Respondent that night?,” her friend simply said, “no.”

A male friend of the woman testified next. Harding asked him, “Did you ever describe her as flirty?” He responded, “Yes, I did in my interview. I did.” Harding followed up, “But you never saw her out of control in any way?” He said, “No way. No, sir.” When he saw the woman the next morning, “she was crying her eyes out. She would not let me touch her because — I didn’t know what happened, obviously, at first. And I went to go hug her and she would not let me touch her, she wouldn’t let me near her.”

And how did Winston’s case play out? It basically didn’t, he didn’t have a case. He called all of one witness in his defense, an investigator from the State Attorney’s office who said there was too little evidence, in the SA’s opinion, to mount a prosecution. And of course then the victim cross-examined Winston’s witness, and he agreed that she’d always been consistent in her behavior and her rape allegations. Some witness.

I should mention that two of Winston’s pals were there that night, one of whom actually witnessed the incident because he recorded it on his phone and passed the clip around, and they were called as witnesses. But they both refused to testify. Would not say a word.

Okay then, what about Winston? After his opening statement on the first day, he was asked questions by the judge on the second. And here’s what he said:

“I declare under a penalty of perjury that my statement yesterday is true and accurate to the best of my recollection. … From the Rule 6C2R-3.004(6) (d) of the Florida State Student Code of Conduct I’m not going to answer.”

So you’ve got the victim claiming she was raped and giving a detailed account of the assault. She introduces a series of eyewitnesses who corroborate her pain, shock and horror on that night. And, on the other side, you’ve got the football player refuting this very serious allegation by publicly declaring: No Comment.

Now here’s the rub: In such a hearing all the judge has to do to rule whether a student has violated the school’s conduct code is to weigh the two sides of a story. If a preponderance of the best evidence weighs against the student, then there are sanctions. If the likelihood of the victim’s story is more than 50/50, then there’s no more football for Winston. So what did the judge find?

After consulting “investigative hearing materials” that “consisted of over 1,000 pages of documents as well as electronically stored data,” supplemental materials provided by both parties, and “witness testimony received at the hearing,” Harding did “not find the credibility of one story substantially stronger than that of the other.”

Really?

He wrote in his decision that “both sides have their own strengths and weaknesses.” In other words, Harding found that there was not a greater than 50 percent chance that Winston had caused harm, but rather a 50 percent chance, thus not meeting the burden of proof.

The judge found the victim’s story, as well as all those witness accounts, to be roughly as believable as, and I’m quoting the quarterback’s closing statement here, because there’s essentially nothing more to his defense:

“During this process I have learned how vicious this world can be. I did not sexually assault Complainant.”

If this isn’t the rankest of institutional bullshit. Fuck this little punk, and Florida State too.

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Free to wallow in their own crapulence

2015 looks to be the Year Of The Republican. Let’s not pretend otherwise, they’re the ones who’ve got the political world on a string. It’s their turn to run the show. The House will stay in the GOP’s hip pocket, the Senate will turn over to a Republican majority, and the country’s twenty-eight conservative governors will become even more overwhelmingly conservative. Pretty soon Mike Huckabee will giddily announce his bid for the presidency, Mitch McConnell will sadly call for impeachment, and the Reverend Gordon ‘Dr. Chaps’ Klingenschmitt will take his seat in a Colorado delegation rather than one in any corner room of a proper sanitarium. All tolled, it looks like 2015 will be a pretty darn good year for the Olde Douche.

Don’t doubt for a minute that Fox News isn’t already aware of it. It looks as if they’re going out of their way – from day one – to remind everybody just how sweet, fruity and delicate their vintage of A-HOLE is. With this segment, and in this heartwarming case, the traditionalist Americans are here to remind you that they care sincerely about helping women:

AINSLEY: It is a new year and that means it is time for some new relationships in your life. So how can you navigate building new bridges this year whether it’s in the workplace or if it’s in the dating world or in your family?

What gal wouldn’t be happy to get a few relationship pointers from Roger Ailes?

CLAYTON: Well, ladies, listen up. Ladies, we’re talking to you. If you still don’t have a new year’s resolution, could this be it? A new dating guide is offering some honest advice on how to get a husband.

To begin with, if you’re watching Fox and Friends today – a perfectly good holiday – you’re in real trouble. More depressingly, if your new year’s resolution is to ‘get a husband’ you’re probably beyond any practical help. Now might be a good time to fix yourself a heaping bowl of Banana Nut Clorox.

PETER: The first one is: No matter where a woman was in life she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.

AINSLEY: Oh wow. Of course, a man is writing that.

Damn straight. And how ’bout you mull that over for a second, eh toots?

CLAYTON: This is part of your new year’s resolutions, right? You wanted to…

AINSLEY: …I do want, yeah. I do want to be a better wife. I’m going to be a better wife.

There, that’s better. ONE down.

PETER: How about this one: When he gets his ego stroked, he’ll be more inclined to love you more.

AINSLEY: THAT’S TRUE.

CLAYTON: That’s absolutely true.

AINSLEY: THAT IS TRUE.

Ding-ding, TWO down. What a serving of tasty advice. Please, douche, can I have some more? For that holiday second helping, we turn directly to Fox’s romance experts:

On why women should “stroke his ego”:

Single man: “‘Cater 2 U’ [by Destiny's Child] should be on every woman’s playlist and kept on repeat…”

This is a fabulously spineless tip. Ladies, play your melodious slavery suggestions at bedtime and have them insinuated into your subconscious brain overnight. Wake up thoroughly refreshed and pre-programmed the next day, ready to get yourself a man. With an unsettling gleam in your eyes, and a smoking chainsaw in your hands. Look out boys, this one’s got ideas.

Similarly, I believe it would also be perfectly sensible, relationship-wise – let’s call it ‘beneficial’ – for any suitor worthy of matrimony to have a loop of Glenn Danzig barking ‘MOTHERRR!’ in the lava-hot center of his head, night and day. For the purposes of either gender, frankly, any of the typical torture techniques can be employed to render oneself a weeping blob of Jell-O and turn the heads of potential partners your way. Especially when they’re currently working in the now closely-related fields of mental health or homeland security.

PETER: …well there’s one way that you could, this third way: Prepare his meals, draw him a bath and massage his feet every now and then.

CLAYTON: My wife’s at home taking notes right now. Absolutely. She already does cook meals, she’s a fantastic cook.

Ainsley was only partly down with this third one.

…once you start though, women, you’ve got to continue it. So if you start this in the dating, you’ve got to continue all the way through…

Don’t go all Downton Abbey on Master Tenderfoot and then later proclaim for some reason that you belong upstairs. Once you know your place, girls, consider it best just to stay there. And try not to tip over Master’s pisspots (idiots). Asked to weigh in on the matter I suppose I’d have to agree with the experts. After a year of my last girlfriend carrying me around in a sedan chair, I got used to it. Not long after she stabbed me in the face with a hot poker, I began to miss it.

Clayton comes back:

My wife does cook. And she does give me foot massages.

Good little wife! Arf arf! Okay, yeah I should probably refrain from being so un-romantic and sentimental. I should really make an effort to applaud the little bliss-besotted Fox acolytes of this desperate, wind-swept world. Fine then, alright. Well done FX-11000! YOU HAVE BONDED STATUS WITHIN THE HUMAN MATRIX. And you’re all welcome.

Any more insights for the ladies? Yes, more from Fox’s relationship experts. Here are two revelations from which you can learn everything you ever wanted to know about male infidelity, forever. First:

“…when it comes to a woman, a man is a natural predator. He stalks his prey and pounces every chance he gets until she either gives in or ignores his every advance. That animal instinct in us is what feeds our lust and causes us to lose all sense of what is rational and right or wrong.”

A man needs to have sex with every woman he sees, just like a lion. It’s called Nature. Second:

“A man who cheats is looking for someone to fulfill a part of him that his lady is not, plain and simple. Whether physical, emotional or social, if there is an imbalance in the relationship, he will seek balance.”

Big butts bring me down, woman. And a man needs balance. Yeah right, douche.

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Where the only water flowing is the butter sting of tears

It seems to me there are certain ways of understanding things. This is a fact of life, I think. You can look at something a certain way, but then it seems as if there’s always another way to look at it. Know what I mean? Like you could walk around behind something and it would no longer look the same. As I grew older I became aware of this weird effect – and then I became obsessed with it. Everywhere I went I would see something, but then I would immediately think: What if I looked at it another way? What if I saw it from the alley, or the side street? What if I saw it from the rooftop of a big building? I always thought: I bet it would look different.

Every year, in the week between Christmas and New Year’s, I think about George W. Bush.

It was in that week each year for the eight years I covered him as a reporter that he gave me a spectacular gift — and he knew it.

A spectacular gift. I would wake up early every Christmas morning, and yawn a charming kitty-yawn with fey but alarming authenticity, then I’d peek out the second floor window of my Tudor TV-mansion. And down below me, every year, I would see in my driveway: The Global War On Terror. Wrapped entirely in an over-sized red bow. And I would excitedly put my hands to the sides of my head, as if I’d just then gotten the mumps, and I’d cry out “WAR CRIMES!” Oh I piddled on more than one set of Walker Texas Ranger pajamas, I can tell you.

In December, we never left Washington, D.C., until the day after Christmas. Never. Mr. Bush and his wife, Laura, would always depart the White House a few days before the holiday and hunker down at Camp David, the presidential retreat in Maryland. After a few years, I asked a low-level White House staffer why.

I still remember what she said: “So all of us can be with our families on Christmas.”

…and so it was, that god-damn ole’ George W. Bush. Sniff, did all of it. Sob, just for me. Such a softhearted son of a bitch. Mother Teresa herself could compile a list of his mercies and graces, but I can remember every one. 9/11? Sniff. Iraq? Sob. Torture? Choke, gasp, beg for your now-useless life. And let’s not mention all those ersatz pool reporters posted overseas and carrying M16s instead of pens across eight Decembers, getting shot at or dismembered during one Infidelmas after another. No point in spitting on a soggy Hallmark Card.

All that has changed with President Obama. No more press plane, for one. Reporters are on their own — so taking family is, say, $1,000 a pop. Not likely. And this president would never delay his trip to his island getaway. He’s off every year well before Christmas. Hundreds and hundreds head off with him, leaving family behind.

No Christmas at home. Instead, the Hawaiian Village Waikiki Beach Resort. Nice, but not exactly home.

Is this Washington Times guy slagging the President for flying away to his own home rather than to the reporter’s? Yes. He certainly is, and let’s let that just sink in. Mmmmmmm. That’s some delicious wingnut.

Anyway, that’s why I think of George W. Bush every year in the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Probably will till I die. Thanks, GWB.

Quelle surprise. Come Christmas time, he didn’t act anything like the Cadaver King. What a guy.

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Stop crying and fight your father

The aluminum pole, centered in the living room, shone lovely and bright. The meatloaf simmered in the oven, and the spaghetti whirled on the boil. Both were very soon to be plated, to the delight of a beloved family and the cherished holiday-gathered. And so the moment approached. It would soon be time for the Airing Of Grievances.

In a New York Times op-ed piece last December, for example, Gail Collins derided the American Family Asoociation and others for embracing “a seasonal victimhood” that is meant to force stores to link corporate greed with the birth of Jesus Christ.

Nothing could be further from the truth, but we learned long ago that the secular news media sometimes cares little for the truth when it comes to evangelical Christians. A good smear is quicker and cheaper than actually trying to understand us.

You’re right. I always assumed that you, Bryan Fischer, and the AFA were such fishhead fools that you couldn’t possibly be understood by capacious brainpan Homo sapiens, like myself. So I will dispense with the elitist nonsense. And I will try harder in the future to fathom your deepwater bilge-burps, so that your fish feelings will be less inclined to painfully, or even permanently, bruise. And I will furthermore try my best to avoid an even worse fate, perhaps, in abandoning your salten fee-fees to rot with the rest of you, after you’re carelessly gaffed and hauled aboard by slavering splay-legged orangutans like me, sentient and yeah a little hungry – thanks for asking – in the mid-day sun.

Joseph Farah:

With all the attacks on Christmas in recent years, I wonder how much of the fun and delight of Christmas has been robbed from our kids.

And haven’t the children all been sad? Not a single one wants a toy this year, and I blame myself.

But, of course, the attacks are not really directed at Christmas, at all. Christmas is only a target of the secular jihadists of the American Civil Liberties Union and their co-conspirators at Americans United For Separation of Church and State; their ultimate goal is destroying what Christmas represents.

…to destroy the Winter Solstice? My pal Igor is going to have to build a much bigger gyroscope before that happens. He’s going to have to fire up a whirlygig about the size of Paramus before we can lift this bitch out of its lazy orbit. Here in California the fire season has expanded from its hot-blooded temporal habits to include every day of the year, and this isn’t normal. Or good. But those are hardly reasons to move out of the solar system, I think. Barry Loudermilk:

“It’s always been an honored time but just recently it seems like it has gotten to the point where we have to even defend our rights that are given to us to celebrate the birth of Christ and even just the celebration of Christmas has been under fire by the far-left,” he said.

The forsaken Asterisk Amendment. You have the right to celebrate His Birth. This one was written in fresh lemon juice, and you can see it clearly by putting a match to The Bill Of Rights. This is, of course, all they’ve been trying to do for two centuries.

Loudermilk later said that people throughout the country “lost their sense of hope” and pride but will ultimately persevere, comparing America to George Bailey of “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

George ran into a little money trouble. So like a good little dear, he swore off his family and jumped into a river – or at least he tried. But he was lousy at that, as he was with pretty much everything else, until a manifestation intervened and then…all was…*bliss* Anyone can see that this is a ham-handed remake of the Ronald Reagan story but with Alzheimer’s taking the Clarence Odbody part. Why conservative America would liken itself to a suicidal flop soon to be rendered hopelessly insane is a bit of a mystery.

Happy Festivus everyone!

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This too is also bad

It looks as if Our World is coming apart.

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It’s becoming senseless. And violent.

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Turning into a nightmare.

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Like a Balkan war. I’m not sure we can go on living like this. Can’t we go back to the way it used to be?

Your police force cannot wrongly shoot you.

It just doesn’t happen. Well, deadly police shootings do happen in Houston at an average of one every three weeks. But none of them is inappropriate. Every shooting by a Houston Police Department officer is investigated by HPD’s Internal Affairs and Homicide divisions. Between 2007 and 2012, according to HPD records, officers killed citizens in 109 shootings. Every killing was ruled justified.

The 112 instances of an officer shooting and injuring a person were justified, too.

So were the 104 times an officer wounded an animal, and the 225 times an officer killed an animal.

…where we didn’t have to wonder about street justice? Or neighborhood vigilantes? Remember the days when we never questioned what the hell the cops were doing, and why? *cough*

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How to hate Stephen Colbert without really trying

An American satirist bids goodbye to his TV show. This occasions Assrocket to give you the long view.

I have never seen Stephen Colbert’s show on Comedy Central, but I take it that it consists of an endless series of anti-Republican “jokes.”

Not that never-seeing his act will get in the way.

If asked, would Colbert admit to being a loyal Democratic Party foot soldier, or would he claim to be a stubbornly independent sort who socks it to both sides? I don’t know, but the Democrats aren’t in any doubt. Yesterday the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee sent this email to the party faithful;

thanks stephen

That was followed by a link to an official Democratic Party web page called “Thank You Stephen Colbert!”

Well there’s nothing more to say now, comrades. The jig is up. Everybody turn in your decoder rings.

…I guess the Democrats have known all along that Colbert’s show was an hour-long commercial for their party and its candidates.

The point being, I take it, that American entertainers should remain neutral. It would have been fair play for Stephen to get hired for, say, a sitcom and ply his trade in grand service to Broad Comedy. Jim Nabors was one hell of a talent for example (ever seen him sing? *whistle*).

It’s however altogether different when you’re only stooping to take part in a media conspiracy. Any liberal with a Hotmail account can just e-mail Howard Dean and get set up with a cable show. And when the Hollywood manipulators are of Clinton-quality, of course you can rack up a few seasons. Maybe even nine years – so what? It’s the sort of thing that should probably be a crime.

I am not in favor of restricting anyone’s right to free speech, but if federal law is going to bar a businessman from contributing enough to buy more than a minimal amount of television time on behalf of his party or his candidates, why shouldn’t Stephen Colbert and Comedy Central be prohibited from airing millions of dollars worth of pro-Democratic Party propaganda?

And we’ve seen this before. How much cash did the Johnson administration funnel into Columbia Records? How many Bob Dylan records did they buy before the whole ruse was exposed?

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If you see Scott Stapp riding around on a bike…

…please tackle him.

Scott Stapp threatened to assassinate President Obama… and his alarmed wife and sister-in-law made a desperate 911 call to stop him.

Hear the sirens, America? We have to stop Creed’s lead singer from assassinating the president.

Scott had just gone AWOL from a mental facility late last month, when his sister-in-law told the 911 dispatcher he was cruising around his neighborhood, shirtless on a bicycle. She says the former Creed frontman claimed to be a CIA agent and his mission was to kill Obama.

For the Love Of God. Suggestions?

Jaclyn Stapp, Scott’s wife, joins the 40-minute 911 call, telling the dispatcher Scott had printed out 400 – 600 pages of CIA documents which he supposedly found online, put them in a book bag and took off on his bike.

The 2 women were pleading with the dispatcher to snare Scott and take him back to the psych ward.

Yes, that. To the asylum mooks, with the long black gloves: Please do “snare Scott and take him back to the psych ward.” That’d be fine. Meanwhile everybody carry a stick with you at all times. And when Scott on his bike comes anywhere near you jam it in his spokes. Take that, Lee Harvey Douchewald.

As cops were dispatched, Scott placed his own 911 call, saying his wife had stolen his truck and that’s why he was on a bike.

Semper vigilans.

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