Barack Crime Wave Boogaloo

This morning, I imagine, after you got up and tossed the rocks back through the window, and beat down the tranny in the mask who tried to mug you on the way to the toilet, you probably wondered how the hell your town got to be such a rotten place to live. This is the most wonderful place in the world, you once thought. It seems like only yesterday (think Iraq War) that roses fairly bloomed in the sidewalk planters, people hugged the mailman as he tried to walk by, and ivy crawled up the trellises with an audible humm. It had the overall effect of a lemon-smelling Lawrence Welk placing a stout hand on your shoulder. But not any more. Those days are gone.

The Obama Crime Wave Comes to Minnesota

The Minneapolis Star Tribune reports that so far in 2016, shootings in Minneapolis are up by an astounding 85% over 2015. Other violent crime is up as well…

Though Assrocket posts a graphic that only shows a surge in gun violence in Minneapolis’ North Side, one part of one city in one state, and even though the article he uses to savage Barack Obama’s America warns everybody this:

Criminologists caution against reading too much into early month crime statistics, and police say that in some respects, not much is different about this current surge in gun violence. Most shootings are clustered around fast-food restaurants and convenience stores, along busy transit corridors and anywhere where open-air drug dealing thrives.

…such sensible cautions are strangely missing from his criminology. Scud-butt breezes past the caveats and declares the ‘Obama Crime Wave’ an American crisis. The blacks found you and robbed you recently, right? What next?

The only plausible explanation is a combination of the Ferguson Effect and the racial hostility promoted by the Obama administration and the Black Lives Matter organization.

Spiraling lawlessness and serial shootings are mysteries best understood, pardon me only understood, by invoking “The only plausible explanation.” Which is:

Barack Obama and his minions have promoted racial division and a relentless attack on police forces as a means to political power. The inevitable result is now being seen all around the country: the Obama crime wave.

You can’t explain the rise in Minneapolis’ North Side gun violence any other way, notwithstanding the same article’s higher-column sub-headings of “Gangs still a problem” and “Multiple factors”. A sensible man simply has to assert a continental-wide explosion in violence due to a president’s “racial hostility”. And Bara-boombaye is never going to sic the National Guard on Black Lives Matters protests, okay? Such is his hostility on brazen display, as when He praises

…the movement as “really effective in bringing attention to problems,” but said young activists should be more willing to work with political leaders to craft solutions instead of criticizing from outside the political process.

And as well when he goes so far as to provide them with this sort of material support:

“Once you’ve highlighted an issue and brought it to people’s attention and shined a spotlight, and elected officials or people who are in a position to start bringing about change are ready to sit down with you, then you can’t just keep on yelling at them,” Mr. Obama said.

I’m sorry but it just couldn’t be made any more obvious, folks. President Obama simply hates policemen. So let’s not blame them for sitting in their cruisers with their arms folded and their eyes filled with tears while the city around them explodes in anti-white violence. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned over the years, it’s that the people we empower to kill require unconditional love.


Trump fans vs. Harriet Tubman

While most of us took it as good news when the Treasury Department announced Harriet Tubman would replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill, there were others who felt differently. Some folks didn’t like the change – not that they even remembered who Andrew Jackson was. Not that they even remembered who Harriet Tubman was.

Donald Trump supporters. They were unhappy about the black-for-white swap as it surely was some sort of PC bullshit.

Holly took the news harder than most.

Then she re-tweeted these:

This was brilliant:

They put Mrs. Tambourine Man on my money? Also:


Trolling a yuuuge troll

Somebody oughta give the op-ed guys over at the Boston Globe a trophy for trolling after they posted future front page news from a 2017 presidency of Donald Trump. It is funny (…and maybe not). There are headlines of the type you’d expect, highlighting Donald’s Hulk-smash immigration policy: DEPORTATIONS TO BEGIN…Curfews extended in multiple cities. There’s a no-brainer for the business types: Markets sink as trade war looms. Seems likely to me seeing as how Brobdingnagian Bluster spends so much of his time in bankruptcy proceedings.

But the real beauty of Fuck You Trump is in the details. Like these:

NASA engineers halted the launch of an unmanned probe amid fears that its new gold leaf trim would interfere with radio communications

A guffaw for environmentalists:

Heavy spring snow closed Trump National Park for the first time since it dropped its loser name, Yellowstone in January.

And your boring old funny.

Japanese Emperor Akihito formally censured Ambassador Kid Rock for a speech calling on US allies to “Let the [expletive] business guy run the [ex­pletive] country like a [exple­tive] business.”

It’s all quite comical until you remember we’re for-reals talking about the GOP frontrunner. Then it becomes a tad confusing. Hullo is that Oslo on the phone?

Trump on Nobel prize short list

IT’S NOT MIDDLE East peace, at least not yet. But Nobel watchers were abuzz with spec­ulation that President Trump might be on the short list for the coveted 2017 peace prize when awards are announced in October. His feat? Healing a 1,385­ year­ old schism between Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims, which has fueled bloody con­flicts across the globe for centu­ries.

How much do a billion Muslims hate America’s president? They’ve started their own Hands Across The Levant. There’s your silver lining.

ADD: Dumbest Man On The Internet ftw. After seeing the Globe’s faux front page Jim Hoft gets all rage-y at newspapers, everywhere. He draws a conclusion:

Media is dead.

And how do I know this? Where did I read it? I have no idea.


This Republican was once third in line for the presidency

On Capitol Hill they called him “Coach.” But Dennis Hastert was a sexual predator who once preyed upon the members of a high school wrestling team in Yorkville, Illinois, in the late sixties and early seventies.

For months, federal authorities have hinted at the motive behind the hush-money payments former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hasterthastert bush has admitted to making: the sexual abuse of a teenage boy when Hastert was still a suburban high school teacher and wrestling coach.

But now, a Tribune investigation has uncovered new details of the case — at least four people have made what law enforcement sources say are credible allegations of sexual abuse against Hastert.

The Tribune has determined the identities of three of them, all men, whose allegations stretch over a decade when they were teenagers and Hastert was their coach.

While the original indictment for banking violations revolved around one former team member who requested payments for his continued silence, for which Hastert’s lawyer offered this offensive statement…

Tom Green did not specify any sexual abuse by his client but did say Hastert was apologetic and had suffered humiliation and shame.

“Mr. Hastert has made mistakes in judgment and committed transgressions for which he is profoundly sorry,” Green said.

…the Chicago Tribune’s investigation into Hastert has revealed several more victims. So the former Speaker of the House wasn’t making any “mistakes” back in Yorkville. He was getting his jollies by sexually abusing the young men who trusted him:

One of the alleged victims served as a team equipment manager a few years after Hastert arrived at the school in 1965. Stephen Reinboldt died of AIDS in 1995, and his younger sister has long spoken out about the details she said he shared with her while alive. Two others, who came to the school later, were talented and popular student-athletes from well-known local families — the sort of combination that often bodes well for the future.

Until Coach Hastert takes an unhealthy (pederast’s) interest in your teenager. Then there’s no point in thinking anything will ever be okay again.

How did rock-ribbed conservatives manage to place a child predator so close to the presidency? How could the Family Values party embrace somebody so evil, and make him so powerful? I don’t know. Maybe you’d like to ask that question of George W. Bush? Or Dick Cheney? Or Karl Rove or Donald Rumsfeld or Condoleezza Rice or [warmonger]….


I’ll have what he’s having

It’s like watching a train derail.

You’re horrified but you’re also terribly fascinated. You’re just sort of stuck, standing there, watching reality go horribly wrong.

In his first 100 days, Trump said, he would cut taxes, “renegotiate trade deals and renegotiate military deals,” including altering the U.S. role in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Oh yeah, the NATO problem (?). Maybe he can get the U.N. to start paying us (…about time). Trump sounds like the silver-spooner who has lived too near the city’s biggest mansion for too long. Now he’s moving in and nothing of the former owner can be allowed to stay. He’s going to bulldoze that rose garden and erect a bowling alley. It’s fresh venison for the dog bowls and sparkling water for the faucets (imagine all that gold, after they rip the brass ones out). There’s a certain amount of spite that comes with jealousy. No self-respecting narcissist wants to hang around some has-been U.S. President.

He insisted that he would be able to get rid of the nation’s more than $19 trillion national debt “over a period of eight years.”

The government takes in $3.3 trillion in revenue every year. But Donald will (shazam!) cut income taxes and run a $2.37 trillion yearly surplus through 2024. Farewell U.S. Marines, adiós ICE. Maybe Melania can throw surplus cheese wheels at ISIS when they invade.

To say this is ‘stupid’ doesn’t come close. We’re not even in the realm. This is more like a fever dream. A microbus trip to the desert on mushrooms. Might I add that this is the law n’ order candidate? If half of us are having petit mal seizures whenever this Trump person opens his gob, we have failed as a nation. I have no idea what Hunter Thompson would have said about all this other than to want a double dose of whatever it is the Republicans are huffing.


Trump is a liberal monster, of course

Hard to believe that it took so long, but it did. It wasn’t for lack of sleuthing Jim Lewis will tell you. After reading Esquire and Time magazines, having taken in a show at The Met, not long after finding an old copy of Das Kapital with all the juicy bits highlighted, Jim pulled out his cultural decoder ring and I’ll be darned if everything that was so confusing about this year’s presidential campaign didn’t now make perfect sense. Donald Trump is a creation of the liberal establishment!

The man didn’t emerge, all at once and fully formed, from some hidden and benighted hollow in the American psyche. He’s been kicking around for 30 years or more, and he was promoted and schooled, made famous and made wealthy, by the same culture and economy that now reviles him, and finds his success so vexing.

Now now, there’s no point in continuing to deny what we’ve hidden for so long. The people who “promoted and schooled” young Donald – literally, the New York Military Academy – are a well-known local bunch of libertarian socialists. Unless perhaps Jim was referring to the place where Comrade later went to shock-troop finishing school, the Wharton School of Anarcho-Syndicalism. You’ll get no argument from me, or Captain Trump, as to how a young man’s formative years influence his later life.

After all, it wasn’t some Klan newsletter that first brought Trump to our attention: It was Time and Esquire and Spy. The Westboro Baptist Church didn’t give him his own TV show: NBC did. And his boasts and lies weren’t posted on Breitbart, they were published by Random House. He was created by people who learned from Andy Warhol, not Jerry Falwell, who knew him from galas at the Met, not fundraisers at Karl Rove’s house…

Donald wasn’t some backwoods yokel from a Mississippi klavern, or a former congregant of the Westboro Baptists (Kansas), or a bug-eyed preacher hosanna-ing his way out of Jerry Falwell’s back pocket (Lychburg, Virginia). You won’t even find him in Karl Rove’s rolodex (Republic of Texas). And are you beginning to see Jim’s point about Donald being a homeschooled liberal who somehow went astray? [hint: New York, New York, it’s a wonderful town.] That’s how politics works, right? You’re like all the other people in whatever city you come from. NOBODY could be a right-wing business douche in a leftist Eden like the Big Apple. I mean, that’s silly.

…his original audience was presented to him by Condé Nast, not Guns & Ammo. He owes his celebrity, his money, his arrogance, and his skill at drawing attention to those coastal cultural gatekeepers — presumably mostly liberal — who first elevated him out of general obscurity, making him famous and rewarding him (and, not at all incidentally, themselves) for his idiocies.

Warhol and the guys from the Velvet Underground happened to be crashing in one of Trump’s highrises, tying off in a roomy closet, when they happened to meet the landlord in person. They thought this guy Donald was “pretty groovy,” so you can guess what happened next: The boys formed a non-fiction non-profit publishing house to promote his neo-New Deal takes on big buildings, big money and big dicks because WE ALL LIVE in an eighties penthouse scene, an eighties penthouse scene. If there’s one thing the real estate and art mavens from New York have in common, it’s pretty much everything because they’re the same people – from New York, you fool.

If you think that sounds stupid and smug, imagine how it sounds to people out in the rest of the country. Liberals were sure the devil would come slouching out of Alabama or Texas, beating a bible and shouting about sodomy and sin. They didn’t expect him to be a businessman who lives on Fifth Avenue and 57th Street.

Oh that sounds so intelligent. And so like us! I can’t imagine a big deal Republican ever coming from California (Reagan, Nixon). Or a union busting crusader coming from dark-blue Wisconsin (Scott Walker). But you’d surely never expect a self-regarding model-boinking narcissist to come from New York. And even if you could have predicted the existence of such a person you’d never imagine he’d run for President!

president trump

Anyone incidentally ever heard of Governor George Pataki? Or the Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie? Isn’t it amazing how other people (not me) make complex arguments from simple assumptions and still end up being wrong? But then you get to write stuff about them, and it’s fun!


The brazen liberal effort to embarrass a Southern gentleman


Spencer Collier, head of the Alabama Law Enforcement Agency until he was fired today, said this afternoon he has seen and investigated text messages and audio recordings “of a sexual nature” between Gov. Robert Bentley and his chief advisor, Rebekah Caldwell Mason…

“It’s a horrible, ugly episode and I am ashamed to have been around it,” Collier said. “But I told him I would never lie for him.”

Then, yesterday, secretly-recorded tape of the Republican Governor having a phone conversation with Rebekah Mason was released to the public.

…I love that, you know I do love that. You know what, hon? When I stand behind you, and I put my arms around you, and I put my hands on your breasts, and I put my hands under you and just, and pull you in real close… Hey I love that too. Put my arms, my hands under you…


I know. I’m thinking about it right now so I better quit… I can tell you were thinking about it last night… I changed, I changed the subject, didn’t I?… It’s okay, everything’s going to be fine, we’re gonna be alright this week… I know, I know it is… Hey I love you, I love touching you, I do, I do, I do love putting my hands…just holding you real tight, I do, I do… But baby let me tell you what we’re gonna have to do, we’re gonna have to start locking the door. If we’re gonna do we what we did the other day we’re gonna start having to lock the door.

The 44 year-old Mason is currently Bentley’s senior political advisor. Between July of 2013 and November of 2014 the former Miss Alabama contestant was paid $426,978 by the campaign to elect the Governor for “consulting and polling work” [the Governor’s yearly salary is $119,950. -ed.] This was Mason’s reaction yesterday.

“There is no way that man (Collier) would have said what he did…about another man. He only said what he said about my professional abilities because I am a woman. His comments were clear, demonstrated gender bias,” Mason said.

Here’s what the Governor had to say:

Bentley said his comments, captured on recordings in 2014, have hurt his family and Mason’s. He called today “a difficult day”…

He repeated over and over that his sins were in the words he used in talking to Mason, nothing more.

When asked to comment on the recordings – part of which include Bentley describing how he liked the come up behind the woman and touch her breasts – he clarified that it was not a “sexual relationship”…

He said he has done nothing wrong, and asks for the the people’s understanding.

That bit about it being a “difficult day” for his family is laughable. They long ago figured out what he was doing:

The tapes for which he apologized were purportedly created by members of the Bentley family in 2014 as they tried to ascertain whether he was involved in a relationship. People close to the Bentley family allowed to hear portions of the tapes, in which Bentley describes his love for Mason.

What a fitting comeuppance. How many families have been destroyed by a politician’s cruelty and infidelity over the years? Wives and children are routinely used as hollow campaign props at the beginning of a career and shelter in the end. But this time a battered family got the chance to strike first: You want to betray us? To embarrass us? Then you want to pretend its your enemies that are causing us grief? Fine, everybody come and hear the tapes we made of Governor Horndog slobbering over his honey on the phone. Have yourself a lovely scandal, dumbass. Considering that they did this at the risk of being slurred as “liberals” by the governor’s cronies, I’d say they’re pretty brave.

“You know I just I worry about sometimes I love so you much,” Bentley is heard saying in a phone conversation with a woman he calls Rebekah.” I worry about loving you so much.”

At the press conference today, he said he loved all of his staff.

Yeah, right. I doubt he’s ever fondled Lt. Gov. Kay Ivey’s breasts.


Mitch McConnell is a very good and honest man.

If the Senate’s anti-Constitutionalist Republicans aren’t beginning to feel the heat, then what’s this?

After Obama’s sneaky Supreme Court nomination of a very measured, moderate, lukewarm-tea-at-high-noon-with-Philippe-Petit-downtown-in-the-cafe-Piliers-du-Retenue centrist, Merrick Garland, these TV ramblings of Mitch McConnell’s that appear to be his feelings and opinions – though no sensible person certainly would ever assume he had anything to do with them, heavens, given the brazen unabashedness and feral abandonment denoted, though we just saw McConnell’s jowls bobbing along in humdrum synchronization – would have to be understood later, in somewhat sobriety, and in Christ’s good name, to be odd. Peculiar, perhaps. Strange.

In response to a question from host Chris Wallace, who asked if Senate Republicans would consider the nomination of Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court after the election if Hillary Clinton prevails, McConnell responded that he “can’t imagine that a Republican majority in the United States Senate would want to confirm, in a lame duck session, a nominee opposed by the National Rifle Association [and] the National Federation of Independent Businesses.”

What a wonderful guy. You can ask Mitch McConnell what he personally thinks about the politics of the day but he’s too much a gentleman to answer. However he will note that there are some people other people call “Republicans” – not that he’s got anything to do with them, mind you, don’t make that mistake – and that, if he recalls correctly, those people currently comprise what political philosophers call a “majority” in some kind of hazy political institution. Which incidentally would be…what? The “United States Senate”? Hey kudos to this Mitchell person, he knows some seriously trivial stuff.

Judging by his tone, not to mention his humility, and if his memory serves, which it does so aren’t we lucky, the entrenched politicians within that “Senate” are a far-flung and powerful bunch of people, cantankerous and unpredictable as hell, to such extent that there’s no point in us talking sense to them, or about them, or predicting what they might do (except in this case). Not that he would ever deign to criticize them, no – your man Mitch would never dare to impugn so august a body, certainly not by implying he has ever been aware of it, or had some sort of relationship with it, or is currently running it as the Majority Leader after having been elected to it five times and serving within it for thirty one years. Nor would genteel Mitch ever suggest that he had called up, bullied over, bloodied up, directed to connive, consort and conspire with or received manifold manic-monkey blowjobs from the likes of “the National Rifle Association [and] the National Federation of Independent Businesses” inside the Wade Hampton men’s room, off the breezeway from Statuary Hall, as part of his sterling “service” to our country.


Crazy about politics

Sarah Palin is beyond my human understanding.

Sarah Palin canceled a campaign stop for Donald Trump in Florida on Monday after her husband Todd was injured in a snowmobile crash in Alaska.

A source told NBC News that Todd Palin was in “a very serious” crash Sunday night and is currently hospitalized in intensive care.

In a brief unplanned appearance before Trump’s afternoon event in Tampa, Palin referenced the “little wreck” and thanked audience members for their prayers.

Her husband Todd gets in a “little wreck” (très macho bullshit) and she won’t even go home to check on him? What the heck, he’s only in the intensive care. There are a whole bunch of Trump fans waiting for her to speak! She’s going to call the pesky Black Lives Matters protestors “punk ass”! Woo hoo! She’s insane.


No. It’s pronounced Fronkensteen.

If you were to take some time out of your day, or out of your job, and listen to many of the Republicans now – without resorting to your Hillary-style cackling and interrupting them – you’d find out that these good folks are far too suave and classy to have had anything to do with the ascendance of Donald Trump, the GOP’s presidential candidate.

‘Don’t blame me‘ they say, seriously. They would never vote for him. ‘We can’t have this guy in the Oval Office’ they tsk-tsk. Just listen to that, they almost sound sane. ‘Trump’s just, horrible.’ Indeed – these people are almost…believable. Listen to poor ‘Chuck’ at Althouse’s blog:

But get ready for it, my fellow Trump-hating Republicans; the Donald Trump phenomenon will be made to be our fault. Notwithstanding the fact that we didn’t produce him, we don’t like him and he doesn’t represent us.

How sincere he sounds. You almost want to let him off the hook. Commenter ‘Amanda’ isn’t buying it:

Chuck, he is the Republican’s fault and he sure as hell does not represent Democrats. All those years of demonizing Obama and fear mongering about him being a scary black socialist and an ‘uber president’ made by your party created a climate in which the monster could thrive.

And there’s the counter. Is our Chuck merely being oblivious? Is he in fact to blame for Trump? Over the years did he and his pals create an atmosphere of spiraling panic and negro-phobia that’s now gotten so bad Republicans can’t produce a sensible candidate? He says:

Amanda I want to thank you sincerely, from the heart of my bottom, for proving my point in the first comment more effectively than I could have imagined.

Let’s just all recall together that Mitch McConnell calmly pledged to try to make Barack Obama a one-term president. And the Wall Street Journal Editorial Page, the National Review and the Weekly Standard all calmly and steadfastly criticized Obama policies. Without slipping into “birtherism” and “secret Muslim” fantasies. Like, uh, somebody else we’ve gotten to know a bit better of late.

Chuck backs up his don’t-look-at-me by asking us to “all recall together” Mitch McConnell’s calm and kindly pledge to nullify the first black president’s administration. Yes, I do remember that, as well as the rank-and-file’s parallel war whoops to impeach Barack early in the first year of his first term, without cause or reservation. How gracious, reasonable and utterly unlike Donald Trump – thanks for the reminder. If that wasn’t courtly and civilized behavior, I don’t know what is.

Then he asks us to remember the way right-thinking intellectuals “calmly and steadfastly criticized Obama policies… Without slipping into ‘birtherism’ and ‘secret Muslim’ fantasies.” And he commends the National Review. But is it true? Here’s their Jim Geraghty working through all the understandable reasons why Obama hadn’t yet let anyone see his double-secret birth certificate:

Rumor one: Obama was born in Kenya. Rather unlikely… However, if it were true, it would probably raise a major question of “does he qualify as a natural-born citizen”? If Obama were born outside the United States, one could argue that he would not meet the legal definition of natural-born citizen…

Rumor Two: Obama’s middle name is not “Hussein” but “Muhammad”… It is theoretically possible, if not plausible, that Obama changed his name at some earlier point in his life, as he was sorting out his issues of culture and identity…if you’re going to change your middle name from that of the central figure in Islam because you fear controversy, picking the last name of the highest-profile anti-American dictator in the Middle East (Saddam) doesn’t seem like a huge improvement.

That’s not trafficking in ‘birtherism’, it’s just discussing a certain political thing. Jim never said there were good reasons to believe Obama was an African hustler who perpetrated the greatest constitutional fraud in our history. Jim merely said that if for some reason his birth certificate actually does exist there were good reasons to believe nobody will ever see it. Chuck told you what a class act his buddies were, right?

Well at least nobody at the belles-lettres shops ever called the President a ‘secret Muslim.’ That sort of race-baiting is way beneath them. Here’s Andrew McCarthy choreographing the Klan-kabuki of the clumsy proles:

…under a mainstream interpretation of Islamic law, President Obama would be considered to be a Muslim… Islamic law holds that a child’s faith is deemed to be Islam if his father is a Muslim, regardless of the faith of his mother… Under Indonesian law at the time, if a child was adopted before the age of six by an Indonesian male, he qualified for Indonesian citizenship. The evidence suggests that Lolo Soetoro adopted Barack Jr… Obama/Soetoro also attended a Catholic school, the records of which identify him as both an Indonesian and a Muslim… Soetoro often attended mosque on Fridays, the Muslim Sabbath, and young Barry occasionally accompanied him… One former teacher claimed that Barry took part in advanced Islamic religious classes, studying “mengaji” — i.e., the effort to recite the Koran in Arabic… We also know that in 2007, then-Senator Obama told the Times’ Nicholas Kristof that the muezzin’s Arabic call to prayer was “one of the prettiest sounds on earth at sunset.”

Nice to know Obama thought the “muezzin’s Arabic call to prayer was one of the prettiest sounds on earth.” What a terrific story. That’s not the sort of personal anecdote that would compel some Americans to take out their shooting irons and load them with Islam-shot. What are such tidbits of a man’s biography for if not honing the perceptions of the most erudite and cosmopolitan people in the world?

Trump’s candidacy has certainly placed the noble right in a difficult situation. It’s hard not to feel for the exasperated Chucks of this world.

Amanda, the conservatives with whom I ally, are guilty of none of the sins you allege. Trump supporters are on their own.

Carrying themselves in so sophisticated a manner all these tatty years hasn’t convinced other Republicans to come ’round to their way of politicking. You’d think such a heady brand of elegance and decorum would have impressed somebody by now, even if that certain someone thought himself yuuugely classy already.


The Glass Joe campaign

Remember the first fighter you had to take on in Nintendo’s Punch Out? You could wink at the flighty Frenchman Glass Joe and he’d go down like a ton of bricks. He wasn’t as remotely resilient as, say, Von Kaiser, the krafty kraut, or Piston Honda. As a result he took a vicious braining every time he stepped in the ring. And yet day or night, whenever you turned the game on, he was there. Ladies and gentlemen, Gllaaasss Jooooe.

Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is downplaying his performance in the four states that held GOP caucuses marco rubioor primaries on Saturday…

“Here’s the bottom line,” Rubio said. “There will be more delegates awarded in Florida than basically any other state that voted tonight combined. It’s a winner-take-all state… I’ve explained repeatedly this is a proportional process and every night that we have caucuses like there were tonight in three states, we continue to pick up delegates.”

Did Rubio just say ‘Florida’? Who is he kidding?

Donald Trump 44.7
Marco Rubio 26.0
Ted Cruz 12.3
John Kasich 8.3
Ben Carson 4.7

It may be his home state but he’s going to get slaughtered. You can bet that at 7:01 p.m. on March 16th Donald Trump will very publicly point and laugh at Florida’s junior senator, the little loser. Maaaarrco Ruuuubiooo…


Why Jonah Hates Donald

We know what Jonah Goldberg is trying to do. We just don’t know why.

Is it because he’s threatened by Trump somehow? Would President Donald shut down the wingnut welfare gravy train? Will Jonah have to wait tables for a living? Or dig ditches? Would the Donald take to the Rose Garden and call him a schweinhund? Will the sublime name of ‘Goldberg’ become kaput? And then his charming mother have to yell at him over the phone? Or worse? Would Trump do something somehow worthwhile, like take on the problem of childhood obesity? Will Mountain Dew become aqua non grata? Will Burn Blazin’ Jalapeno Cheetos be declared an enemy of the state?

Why Jonah is so scared of Trump is a mystery. But I do enjoy hearing him list all the reasons why Donald is a disheveled low-class gasbag with orts of potato-chip bedazzling his goatee.

This attempt to cow the Trump campaign however is…how should we say it? Fairly low-energy. Falling somewhat short of the mark. I would not say that Jonah is firing on all his three cylinders here. It would be fairer to say our hero looks like a man stabbing the air with his right fist while gazing at the mirror in his left:

…why, more importantly, I find Trump-mania so dismaying. Every day, if not every hour or every few minutes, someone is telling me my motivations for why I’m against Trump. I’m self-aware enough to grant that many of the common explanations might have some merit (not counting the constant anti-Semitic ones).

Fans of Trump keep sending e-mails to Jonah and calling him a dirty Jew. Does he have the courage to answer them back? To take them on? Hazard yourself a blobby guess.

For instance, many say I’m being a snob. And truth be told, snobbishness might be part of it. After all, I think Trump is a low-class guy.

Of course not. Jonah would never say the Trumpers are ‘racists’, they’re what you call ‘rubes’. I know some of you feel that racism in and of itself is low-class but then…


…you don’t really understand politics, do you? Otherwise you’d know why that old diagonal-striped flag is a cultural hallmark and that old internecine brouha a War Of Northern Aggression. Jonah’s pals do not do bigotry, double-plus true-balls no backsies.

I’ll be as honest as I can about why I dislike Trump. A big part of it is I think he’s a fraud. I think he’s part of the grand and glorious tradition of bunk artists in American history.

This is where Mooom, Lucianne, steps into the frame. She licks the fingers of her hands, fusses over the cowlick in his hair, then pins a direct deposit sheet to his lapel. The faint honking of National Review’s short bus can be heard outside.

The thing I don’t find amusing is that he’s an insecure bully. He really does strike me as Biff from Back to the Future (Part II).

Was Biff’s dad a war veteran?

…I don’t mean to belittle or demean the heroic efforts and sacrifices of those who served in World War II. But the idea that a whole generation deserves credit for what only some did is little more than an attempt to buy glory on the cheap…

If he was all he did was shoot a few Nazis, in the face. So why on Earth are we buying him a house, huh? And a college education? Why can’t he do something manly and worthwhile for his country like type words that accuse True Blood of being an anti-semitic homoerotic conspiracy?

First the whole original storyline is about how Bill Compton is different than other vampires because he’s noble and decent… Second, try to make that kind of “it’s not all gays” or “it’s not all blacks” or (outside of the Middle East, U.N. or, increasingly, MSNBC) “it’s not all Jews” argument without sounding bigoted…

Slamming veterans and gays. Now that takes courage.

[Trump’s] cheap macho posturing and boasting is simply tacky. I see him as a sad and insecure man. And what I truly find so depressing is that millions of Americans see the same blowhard overcompensation and mistake it for strength.

…as does pulling a ding-dong ditch on The Donald, who dear please maybe might not knock his teeth out. You can’t question Jonah’s spine, because his daughter is out back blowing bubbles with it. He’s not a let’s-pretend-the-vampires-are-disaffected-queers type.

And, third, let me explain something else: Shut up.

You tell those fags.

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