Donald Trump, violence and viral narcissism

These are all probably connected.

In the 10 days after Donald Trump’s victory in the U.S. presidential election, the country experienced a surge in hate crime, according to a study by the Southern Poverty Law Center. The prominent U.S. civil rights group released a report Tuesday identifying 867 incidents of harassment and intimidation between November 9 and November 18.

This phenomenon already has a name: The Trump Effect.

Many of those incidents involved harassers invoking Trump’s name, making it clear that the outbreak of hate was primarily due to his success in the election. The highest number of hate incidents occurred on November 9, the day after the election, with 202 recorded.

Unfortunately we’re seeing the Trump Effect all around us. But I don’t think it’s because, or only because, Donald ran a racist campaign. I think there’s more to it than that. It’s likely also because of what Donald Trump is – a reality show star.

Researchers are starting to suspect that the much-lamented rise in narcissism over recent generations can be traced, in part, to the influence of reality television. A study we reported on in March found a substantial link between higher narcissism levels and regular viewing of such programs…

The researchers found that participants who watched more narcissistic shows received higher narcissism scores — but only those who (a) watched the programs frequently, and (b) identified strongly with the characters.

A study showed people were more narcissistic if they watched reality TV and identified with its awful stars. A second study…:

…featured 165 college students, who were randomly assigned to watch either a reality show filled with narcissistic characters (Jersey Shore or The Real World), or a scripted comedy (The Office or Friends). Before the screening, half read a fake news article stating that “people experience more enjoyment when they strongly identify with characters in the shows they watch.” The other half read a different bogus article, which stated that “distancing themselves from characters” produced more enjoyment…

The key result: “Among participants who saw a narcissistic reality show, narcissism scores were significantly higher for participants who read the bogus article stating that experience-taking enhances enjoyment,” the researchers report.

When participants were encouraged to “identify” with characters in the TV shows, the ones who’d watched reality TV exhibited a measurable increase in narcissism.

This suggests that, among certain people, watching reality TV directly leads to increased narcissism.

Donald Trump ran a reality show candidacy – how could he not? He’s the most famous reality TV star in the world (he may be the most famous narcissist as well). It’s probable the horrible folks out there punching and kicking innocent people in the streets are only doing what they think Donald would do. They’re like Little Trumps. The fact that so many of them were doing it only hours after the election is damning, I think

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AROOGA ALARUMS A NEW HAT

President Shitgibbon is wearing a new hat. This is bigly news and to be taken very seriously by serious people like you. Feast your eyes upon Sex Criminal Crapmonkey and his new Dadhat because it surely cost him $19.99 to have an actual ’45’ emblazoned or laser-cut or acid-etched from the haunches of Dune unicorns on its side, or whatever it is that the red state Dadhatters do now to turn a buck in Donald’s America.

Donald Tramp swapped his “Make America Great Again” hat on Sunday for some new presidential headgear — proudly sporting another red lid, this time with the number 45 stitched into the side in a not-so-subtle swipe at ongoing recount efforts.

leopard-skin-presidents-lid

At some point our Shitgibbon will totter off and squeeze himself a yuuge turd, and the New York Post will be all over that too.


Golly. Look at the wingnuts go.

· Trump Starts Wearing a New Presidential Hat

· Trump debuts presidential new hat at Mar-a-Largo this weekend – and people are digging one detail!

· Reporters Shocked to See What Was on Donald Trump’s Hat This Morning

· USA! Trump debuts new ‘red hat,’ and (for the most part) people are loving it [photo]

America is clinically insane.

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Ready! Steady! Betsy and the Teenage Scrubbers!

President-elect Trump has chosen school voucher queen and billionaire Betsy DeVos for his Secretary of Education.

Trump said DeVos is “a brilliant and passionate education advocate” who will help him “reform the U.S. education system and break the bureaucracy that is holding our children back so that we can deliver world-class education and school choice to all families.”

The face of our country’s education system will now be someone who has worked for decades to tear it down. Or rather, she probably will be. I can’t say for sure when a cursory glance at her politics reveals stuff like this:

A think tank funded by Donald Trump’s Secretary of Education pick recently advocated for putting kids back in the workforce.

The Acton Institute, a conservative nonprofit that is said to have received thousands of dollars in donations from Betsy DeVos and her family, posted an essay to its blog this month that called child labor “a gift our kids can handle.”

This is why the Koch Brothers will never be appointed to anything. Billionaire activists are whackos. Their politics tend to be utopian, and Libertarian, and no-shit the best for you people!, though you’re too much a prairie grazer to know better. Suffice it to say that you shouldn’t bother publicly arguing with Betsy because she’s got millions and billions to shove down your throat.

Here’s one of her great projects, the Acton Institute. Here’s one of their great intellects:

The abundant prosperity of the modern age has brought many blessings when it comes to child-rearing and child development, offering kids new opportunities for education, play, and personal development. Yet even as we celebrate our civilizational departure from excessive child labor, we ought to be wary of falling into a different sort of lopsided lifestyle.

The use of language here is quite precious. Once we were guilty of “excessive” child labor, now we’ve gone crazy and we tend to be “lopsided”. Well, wouldn’t want that, would we? Try working the 11 year-old in the abattoir for only 4 hours a day. Jurgis Rudkus say: Moderation in all things *pinky sip*.

Alas, as a day-to-day reality, work has largely vanished from modern childhood, with parents constantly stressing over the values of study and practice and “social interaction” even as they insulate their children from any activity that might involve risk, pain, or boredom.

Oh shit. He’s serious.

As a result, many of our kids are coming far too late to the arena of creative service and all it brings: dignity, meaning, freedom, virtue, creativity, character, and neighbor love.

Oh shit he’s SERIOUS. Listen up, Randbot. Name me a single thing that ‘brought’ “dignity, meaning, freedom, virtue, creativity, character, and neighbor love” to my life. Try me on as a test case. Eh, what’s that you say? Bzzzt, nope, it wasn’t the mall job I had when I was 14. How about this: “unconditional love”. Yeah, a “childhood”. It’s the only thing that came close.

And “creative service”? The “creative” sum total of our creeping service economy amounts to diddley fucking squat. And that’s exactly you-goddamn-know where the virtue-starved meaning-less pubescents will end up: scrubbing shit off the bathroom walls at Denny’s. For a buck-fifty an hour. For that, you should be skull-fucked.

…the Washington Post recently published what it described as a “haunting” photo montage of child laborers from America’s rougher past.

The photos surely point to times of extreme lack, of stress and pain. But as Jeffrey Tucker rightly detects, they also represent the faces of those who are actively building enterprises and cities…

Wtf! HE’S SERIOUS.

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Conbloggers: Happy Thanksgiving and goodbye, losers

Pardon Assrocket if he seems a little distracted right now because he is entirely in his glory. He can hardly catch his breath after two weeks of you suck Lindy-Hopping.

Powerline blog radiates John’s post-election mood. The writers are now almost entirely given to running from side-to-side in the Eagle’s Nest and pointing at wounded Dems below [Zum wohl! Prost!]. If they’d never made a stink about these folks before – the Moonbats, and John had for sure, admit it – then how lame is this, right?

The liberal freakout over the election is likely to turn into at least a four-year Broadway show (apparently Broadway is the only safe space for liberalism right now, to read the paranoid rantings of the mononoids of the left). Here’s the latest communication from The Nation, with my comments in brackets:

“Dear Friend of The Nation,

“A country in which a presidential candidate with a lead of almost 2 million votes doesn’t become president is not a democracy. It is a scandal.” [No, it’s called the Constitution, but thanks for playing. And thanks for being so explicit that you hate the Constitution.]

…the happy feet, there they go. “It’s a little thing called The Constitution bitchez, but thanks for playing.” He’d probably add a “Talk To The Hand” except for the fact that, you know, it’s currently busy. But give our blogger a moment to finish, then he’ll pile on some more.

Democrats are having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that they lost the presidential election. Now they are threatening to kill Republican electors unless they switch allegiance and vote for Hillary Clinton when the electoral college meets on December 19. The Detroit News reports:

“Trump’s opponents have deluged [Michael] Banerian and other GOP electors with pleas and nasty emails to reverse course and cast their ballots for Clinton, according to the Michigan Republican Party.

“’You have people saying ‘you’re a hateful bigot, I hope you die,’ he said.”

Democrats apparently have had all sense of irony surgically removed.

Yes the true bigots of the world are the anti-bigots. We should probably get used to this dodge, as well as to the future protected hate crimes status for John’s friends who happen to have pale skin, or Klavern affiliations, or Sammy Hagar CDs, etc.

For today, though, a special holiday-Muntz HA HA from Assrocket, with typical good cheer:

Democrats Prepare to Enjoy the Holidays

Those Democrats sure know how to have a good time. While the rest of us are looking forward to family reunions and delicious turkey dinners, the Democratic Party is coaching its faithful on how to win political arguments. This is from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, a “Guide to Thanksgiving With Your Republican Relatives.”

Click to enlarge:

knowyourstuffing_2016

No cheating. Just because Fox News has burnished its tired clichés into your right-wing friends’ cortices doesn’t mean the Democratic party can do the same. Everybody – your pals and you – are all in agreement on this: Talking points are their way of life. For you, however, what are you trying to do?! Ruin a perfectly good evening? Sheesh… […and now we move on, to Scene 17. WHERE you are stuck sitting at your own dinner table, next to your own Uncle Lucky, the real charmer. Ready? And ACTION: “…like some potatoes, Uncle Lucky?” “Why, I sure would, thank you. [pause] Say Missy, I been meaning to ask you. How’d that election go for you? *giggles* Nice gravy by the way, izzat some sorta Hillary recipe?” …and cut. Thanks everybody, all very natural, now get out of my house.]

One of the things I am thankful for this year is that there won’t be anyone at our Thanksgiving dinner who comes armed with partisan talking points in hopes of winning arguments with his or her relatives.

All together: Projection much? What’s so remarkable about Trump’s Tiger-bloods isn’t that they’re rejoicing in our manifest loserdom. It’s that they’re even less capable of the slightest bit of self-awareness. No one is more likely to ruin a holiday than an alt-nut. No one is more relentlessly self-righteous and argumentative. No one else needs you to grok the boundless dangers of failing to appeal to the Rust Belt white male.

And only Assrocket’s Holiday Powerline could do this: Make a big stink about somebody’s inability to get along with others while simultaneously prodding readers to erect their own Apartheid:

CONSERVATIVES SHOULD MAINTAIN A STATUS APART

…when it looked to me like Hillary Clinton would win, I recommended that, going forward, conservatives “maintain a status apart.”… What happened to Mike Pence at “Hamilton” reinforces my view.

This is the third most popular post on the site, below the two “petty loser!” entries I excerpted above.

By maintaining a status apart, I mean refusing to subsidize or participate much in left-wing institutions. This might mean changing the school your children attend, or switching to a different religious congregation, or cancelling a newspaper subscription (you can stay abreast of left-wing views online for free), or boycotting most Hollywood productions.

Powerline would prefer the true believers pull out of the district school, drive cross-county to the backwoods church, and cancel their subscriptions to the Daily Breeze in favor of the Global End Times. It also would prefer they refuse to take their children (now friendless and tired – whhhy?) to the opening of the next Pixar kindergasm, even though this national contest, the presidential election, they won (…oops, my bad. Not so much ‘the election’ as won ‘the Electoral College’. The votes of the citizens, not even close.).

You talk about petty. Assrocket here is on the ups, he can’t believe how wonderfully obvious everything is, and how all the people he so detested are so detestable. Those jerks, I mean can you believe them? They can’t even manage to come see us at Thanksgiving without screwing it up! But then: Incidentally, by the way, after tonight we probably won’t be around any more. You won’t see us again. Don’t bother sending out a libtard search party because we decided we can’t spend time in the usual places with you people any more. Because you’re a serious threat to our children, country, lives, etc.

And here we are, trying to memorize a few lines to get through the evening. Here they are, thinking how typical that is of atomic waste, or something.

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Why am I surprised?

“Donald Trump is a phony. A fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University.”

…well, there’s one Republican who’s not…

“…trickle-down racism, trickle-down bigotry, trickle-down misogyny, all these things are extraordinarily dangerous to the heart and character of America.”

…a rank knob-polishing jellyfish. Gotta give props to Mitt, he made the right call.

“We had a far-reaching conversation with regard to the various theaters in the world where there are interests of the United States of real significance. We discussed those areas and exchanged our views on those topics,” Romney said in brief remarks to reporters. He did not take questions.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence confirmed Sunday that Romney is under “active consideration” for secretary of state.

Oh. Never mind.

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Right hand up and repeat after me: Fuck Texas Judges

Of course Your Honor will stay. But you really need to go.

Donald Trump’s election looms over a U.S. citizenship ceremony in San Antonio, as the judge presiding over the ceremony says if you don’t like that Trump will be president, go to another country.

“I can assure you that whether you voted for him or you did not vote for him, if you are a citizen of the United States, he is your president,” Judge John Primomo said. “He will be your president and if you do not like that, you need to go to another country.”

Now that you’ve become a U.S. citizen, now that you’re even more like the other 50-something percent of us who despise racism, misogyny and wholesale fuckishness, you need to leave. You need to abandon your family and your precious dreams. Because Judge Primomo’s name popped up on on the roster for weekend duties.

The room at the Institute of Texan Cultures Thursday night was a melting pot, a collection of hopeful faces…

Taco Bueno. It was a Taco Bueno.

“I detest that, because you can protest things that happen in this country; you have every right to,” Judge Primomo said. “You don’t do that by offending national symbols like the national anthem and the flag of the United States.”

I hate when rioters don’t come with chips and salsa. And I love a good chalupa, not that anybody bothered to asked me. Why don’t you people think about somebody other than yourselves? Why not ask us what we want every once in awhile? I could really go for a protest, shoot.

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The Trumpening. It’s already begun.

The appointment of Breibart News’ Steve Bannon as President Trump’s chief strategist is not a good sign.

The late Andrew Breitbart, founder of Breitbart News, once called Bannon “the Leni Riefenstahl of the Tea Party movement.”

If that comment is confusing, let me make it clear. Andrew was paying Steve a great compliment. When you run the go-to site for the racist “alt-right”, being called Leni Riefenstahl is a feather in your cap. Or a cross, on your armband.

While Bannon has been cagey about saying what he really believes for anyone outside his inner circle to hear, he hasn’t been completely mum. His ex-wife knows a thing or two about him.

His ex-wife claimed in a sworn statement in 2007 that Bannon made three separate anti-Semitic remarks when they were choosing a school for their daughters. The ex-wife, who also accused Bannon of attacking her, made the statement during divorce proceedings.

In one instance, according to NBC News, Bannon asked a school director “why there were so many Hanukkah books in the library.” At another school, the ex-wife said, Bannon “asked me if it bothered me that the school used to be in a temple. I said no and asked why he asked … he did not respond.”

At a third school, The Archer School for Girls, Bannon “went on to say the biggest problem he had with Archer is the number of Jews that attend. He said that he doesn’t like Jews and that he doesn’t like the way they raise their kids to be ‘whiny brats’ and that he didn’t want the girls going to school with Jews.”

As with all things Trump, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

DUKE: …if this did happen, and I’m not saying it did, maybe that he didn’t want his children to be indoctrinated with the Jewish anti-goy, anti-white narrative their entire school life about how white people are guilty of all these crimes against Jews. They don’t talk about Jewish crimes.

That would be David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the KKK and well-known fan of the new president. And, did you know, Sen. Jeff Sessions is about to become our new Secretary of Defense?

But Sessions became only the second man in fifty years to not be recommended for confirmation. Two Republicans, including Arlen Specter, voted against him. His fellow senator from Alabama, Howell Heflin, also voted against him, citing, quote, “reasonable doubts” over Sessions’ ability to be “fair and impartial.”

The Alabaman’s god-given name is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. Nothing obvious to worry about there, of course.

In a highly unusual move, attorneys from the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division also testified against him. Gerry Hebert told Congress that Sessions had called the NAACP and ACLU “Communist-inspired” and “un-American,” and labeled the white civil-rights lawyer Jim Blacksher “a disgrace to his race.” Thomas Figures, a black assistant US Attorney in Mobile, said that Sessions had repeatedly referred to him as “boy.” Figures said he heard from colleagues that Sessions “used to think [the KKK] were OK” until he learned that they were “pot smokers.” Sessions admitted to calling the VRA a “piece of intrusive legislation.”

It’s going to be a hell of an administration. Meanwhile, this was going on:

According to WSAZ, a message about the current first lady was shared thousands of times after it was posted on Facebook by Clay County Development Corporation Director Pamela Taylor.

“It will be refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified First Lady in the White House,” Taylor wrote. “I’m tired of seeing an ape in heels.”

Clay Mayor Beverly Whaling reportedly praised Taylor’s post, writing, “Just made my day Pam.”

And this happened:

Billings resident Josh Schleining reported [Larry] Heafner’s rant after stumbling upon a comment the coffee shop owner left on a video of a group of black men beating up a white man. “These f*cking monkeys would be hanging if I saw this sh*t,” Heafner wrote on the video, later adding “you don’t see white people do this sh*t.”…

“Before last week’s election, Heafner shared an image of Trump in the White House, with a caption that read, ‘If Trump wins the election, it’ll be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.’

And this:

The Connecticut State Police confirmed that video of Ku Klux Klan garb at a Donald Trump election celebration was filmed in East Windsor.

Following the election, video began circulating on social media that showed people driving ATVs and partying around a fire. One person is seen wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat while another person wearing a hooded KKK costume waves a Trump campaign flag.

And this:

The man, a Trump supporter, reportedly started arguing with the group of women. The women then requested to move tables, but the Trump couple was moved to seating across the room.

Blake Drost, who works at the bar and spoke with staffers and customers who witnessed the assault told Gothamist, “This is a packed Saturday night—it’s not like we’re keeping tabs on everybody…

He continues, noting how after the couple left, “the guy runs back in, past four or five tables, and punches this woman square in the face, then runs out.”

And this:

In a video uploaded by the Ohio State Lantern, an anti-Trump protester was in the midst of speaking with other students from a staircase at the student center as he was brutally attacked from behind by a man shouting, “You idiot!”…

After blasting the speaker from behind, fights broke out as students pulled at each other in the dogpile that formed at the base of the stairs where the two men struggled with each other.

I should probably get used to this.

Less than a week since the 2016 presidential election and there have been nearly 200 reported instances of violence across the country, enacted by Trump supporters who have been emboldened by his victory…

I’m having a hard time imagining what the next four years are going to be like. I’m having a hard time imagining what the next week is going to be like….

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U MST SRV TRMP

So the dog has caught the ambulance.

A serious onlooker would like to lecture you, and the rest of us, about what has just now become right and wrong and what your solemn moral duties require of you as to, ahem: The Dog. The broom-humper, with the siren-thing in his teeth. Of course you have only been staring at the stupid cur, growling at his ambulance, gnashing his canines on hot rubber, and cannot remotely be bothered with the internet disapprobations of a musty ole’ Vicar smelling of spotted brown carpet and mulberry muscatel, Ross Douthat.

But for others, especially the many younger public servants who would normally staff a Republican administration, a hard question looms: If they fear how Trump might govern, can they in good conscience work for him?

The answer, for now, is that they can and should — and indeed, precisely because they fear how Trump might govern, there is a moral responsibility to serve.

Behold: YOU MUST SERVE TRUMP. That Ross sees himself so fancy, that the blankslate twenty-somethings surely pore over his every word and simply must know what the hell to do when Donald calls, is precious. That the dog should be beaten senseless is not the issue, naturally.

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One problem with candidate Hillary Clinton

In losing to an awful no good racist sex criminal who happened to be the Republican nominee, we have in Hillary Clinton a bad candidate. An historically bad candidate. We have someone who did not know the country, did not understand its current politics, and could not connect with voters. Frankly she just wasn’t interested. The job was already hers, why should she bother?

The GOP may have gotten stuck with a hard charging despoiler, but, after the most painful presidential campaign in history, America preferred him.

That’s how bad Hillary was. This is how badly the Democratic party ended up doing. And don’t annoy me, not everybody in America is a scumbag, okay? Not everybody is an uneducated bozo. There should have been obvious ways for Hillary to win. It should have been easy.

But she stank. In a time where politicians, Republicans particularly, are a bunch of entitled do-nothings that know fuck all about America, and obviously don’t care, she looked like an example of the problem. Nobody has a proper idea of the things Hillary Clinton has done for anyone. Nobody has any idea what it is she really gives a damn about. The Iraq War, the Bankruptcy Bill, the incestuous ties with the party – we’re all familiar with that. But what’s her true passion? Where’s the soul of this politician?

Barack Obama didn’t help.

“I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman, not me, not Bill, nobody more qualified than Hillary Clinton to serve as president of the United States of America.”

What about John Kerry? He too was a Senator. Not just for a paltry eight years, for twenty-eight years. Now he’s the Secretary of State, just like Hillary was. Has there never been a more qualified person to serve as president than him? Is he someday the greatest candidate ever?

How about Chuck Hagel? He was a senator for 12 years, then he became the Secretary of Defense. Has there never been a more qualified person than Chuck to serve as president? Will we someday call him the candidate of the century?

It makes no sense. What’s Obama getting at? Why would he go out of his way to say this? Answer: Because the candidate was once the spouse of a president. That’s the sizzle in the argument – this person once lived in the White House. She’s been there before.

How dumb is that? She didn’t have any constituents, she had no official duties. She did not participate in the government, never argued for or against any legislation, never ruled on a case before the Supreme Court, and cast absolutely no votes in Congress in eight years. But Obama, like so many other giddy Democrats, actually thought Americans would ultimately be swayed by this mundane fact. The difference between Clinton and all those other senator-secretaries is…she used to be First Lady.

This is what made the candidate a slam-dunk. This was why no discerning person could vote for Donald Trump. This was why, without a doubt, there’s “never been a more qualified person to serve as president.” Because she once was married to a president.

Imagine saying the exact same thing of another candidate. Imagine saying that of someone who happened to be a man-person. If somebody named Steve Smith were a former first gentleman and senator/secretary? If he ran for President? Would Democrats say he was the greatest candidate ever? Anyone making that argument would get laughed at. If anything, people would find it a reason to vote against him.

Americans didn’t buy the hype, and you can’t blame them. The sad truth is that Hillary Clinton is probably more of an idea than she is a politician. But you can bet the “Mrs. White House” argument made it much easier for all those smartypants neoliberal gurus to run her campaign. I mean, hell, who doesn’t love a first lady? President Donald Trump would like to thank every one of them.

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President Donald Trump: The First Hundred Days

I wake up groggy on the couch. I get up, get myself a glass of water and sit down in front of the computer. Classic Arts Showcase drones on softly in the background. PBS’ election coverage is over.

The fog begins to clear. As I hear the third in a series of arias playing, I realize that the fat lady is literally singing. A quick click and a last check of the electoral map – the Republican has 276 votes. The election is really over. Donald Trump is president, and Hillary Clinton’s political career is done.

Well, what now? What happens in the first few months of the Trump administration? I suppose we can play the Hundred Days game – why not? Everyone else will. I seem to remember Donald being very adamant and specific about what he would do. I certainly take him at his word.

Not long after his inauguration he’s going to make good on his promise to prosecute Hillary Clinton. He’ll probably begin that in the first week of his presidency, somewhere around the 25th of January. Attorney General Rudy Giuliani will coordinate with FBI Director James Comey to begin a comprehensive and honest investigation of the former Secretary of State, with Benghazi, the private server e-mails, the Clinton Foundation, and her treatment of Bill’s sexual assault victims being the earliest targets for evidence-gathering and producing indictments.

Sometime in mid-February, you can expect Giuliani to show up with a throng of TV cameras – as he always did back in New York – and frog march Clinton right out of her office and into a patrol car on a chilly Chappaqua morning.

The second thing he’s likely to make happen, because it’s fairly easy to do, is enact his Muslim immigration ban. It only takes a review of a handful of government regulations and procedures relevant to two bureaus, I think, to prevent all Muslims from the entering the country from now on. There will be some legal wrangling about it over the months going forward and some cuckster punkass reversals up and down the legal chain. But with the timely death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the additions of Ted Cruz and Judge Anthony Napolitano to the Supreme Court, the ban will eventually pass muster and become bedrock law sometime before the midterm elections in 2018.

The third, and hardest thing, he’ll undertake in his first 100 days will be deporting 12 million illegal aliens from the country. This, by any perspective, is a massive project that will rival any of our recent war efforts.

The FBI, and ICE, and the Border Patrol, coordinating with local, state and federal courts, and all relevant law enforcement authorities, and with the begrudging aid of dozens, or hundreds, of foreign countries, and with the cooperation of whatever other institutions, or people, or nouns you can think of, will begin a massive project to identify, localize, capture, re-locate, hold and begin court proceedings against millions upon millions of people currently living across 4 million square miles of the world’s third largest country.

Of course many of these people will manage to see this coming and begin hiding in various places that federal marshals, or state troopers, or local Cub Scouts, wouldn’t normally expect them to be: Under your car. In your garage. Up your favorite tree in the backyard.

For that reason you might find it wise to perhaps buy yourself a gun. There will certainly be some shooting at some point, and I can’t really say it’s a bad idea to keep one handy. When it happens that law enforcement authorities began swarming over your neighborhood in pursuit of fleeing migrants, protect yourself by pulling it out of the drawer, carefully loading it, and then wisely handing it over to one side or the other. Do this depending on who you think is probably the better shot. You definitely don’t want a protracted gun battle on your property. If both sides appear to be handy with firearms, break out whatever stockpile of Kevlar helmets and tactical body armor you keep in the closet. If the kids are simply too small for Iraq War cast-offs, try sitting them in a wooden box. A wooden box is very easy to make, remarkably sturdy, and can be re-purposed if your efforts at protecting their young lives fail.

After that, of course, Donald Trump will begin building a huge wall. A thousand miles long, and forty feet high…

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