Bullied by a bully

It was strange seeing Governor Chris Christie spending all his free time waiting on a New York billionaire. He made his reputation as a New Jersey homeboy, proud son of the lesser state, a trash talking lawyer with a nasty streak and a chip on his shoulder. He didn’t take any shit but he sure as hell dealt it, and he wasn’t about to answer any of your stupid questions okay? The act played well on the national stage. People were at long last interested in Jersey politics.

So why he would go and do this? Play footman to a Big Apple phony? Was he really so miserable? Was he really so spineless? We may never know.

While minding my own business at the Starbucks inside the Westin hotel this morning, I saw a man engage Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort in conversation about the VP selection process. The man, whom I couldn’t identify, suggested that Pence was a smart pick and Gingrich would’ve been a disaster.

“Christie was livid, right?” the man said at one point. “Yeah,” Manafort replied.

He’s completely radioactive in New Jersey. He’s a cartoon character outside of it. Latching on to an outsider presidential ticket was the only thing he had left in the world.

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Welcome VP candidate Mike Pence, tobacco troofer

Donald Trump had to pick somebody to ride around on the backend of his politics baloney pony. And I don’t see any reason why it shouldn’t be much-despised dunderhead and former Indiana governor Mike Pence.

He has the brains of a goat, swallows every conspiratorial tin can the fringe tosses his way, and vomits up the remains as proof of his own cloven-hoof bona fides.

Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill. In fact, 2 out of every three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness and 9 out of ten smokers do not contract lung cancer.

Only 1 out of 3 smokers dies of a tobacco-related disease you science nerds. Smoking doesn’t kill. Statistics in addition show waaay less than 1/3 of the soldiers who went to Iraq ended up buried there. The whole excursion might as well have been a Viking River Cruise. Why does Mike Pence have to explain everything to you?

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Really, Roger Ailes? Why, I mean, that is so weird.

Race-baiting Nixon crony and Fox News evil genius Roger Ailes apparently thinks women were put on His Earth to fellate Him unto corner-office boardroom eternity.

…Carlson alleged that Ailes began “ostracizing, marginalizing, and shunning” her when she refused to have a sexual relationship with him and complained of her treatment by Ailes…

When Carlson met with Ailes to discuss the discriminatory treatment to which she was being subjected, Ailes allegedly stated, “I think you and I should have had a sexual relationship a long time ago and then you’d be good and better and I’d be good and better,” according to the complaint, adding that “sometimes problems are easier to solve” that way.

Unfortunately the former Miss America wasn’t interested in “solving” Ailes’ 76 year-old junk. So she filed a lawsuit Wednesday, about a fraction of a second after she got fired. I’ve heard of bad liars before, but lickety-split ones? New to me.

It seems that Murdoch’s Göring has been forcing his bloat-mealy self on women waaay out of his league for decades. Lord knows how many of these poor creatures have given The Blob his workplace-orgasms over the last half century. Frankly, one prefers to remain free from wondering about such things lest the shock to his fight-or-flight cortex begin The Eternal Vomiting.

I was 16 years old living in Radnor, Pennsylvania. I was sent over for a walk-on part on The Mike Douglas Show in the winter of 1967. It was 6:30 in the evening and the place was totally closing up. Ailes took me into this big office and locked the door with a key. He reclined on a couch in a seating area under a map that had flags of all the cities they were syndicated in. He proceeded to pull down his pants and very gingerly pull out his genitals and said, “Kiss them.” And they were red like raw hamburger.

Now THERE’s a picture for you. Good night y’all, god bless, you go and have yourselves a lovely Saturday evening…

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Completely nuts as usual

Conservatism is a panicky mindset that prevents the sufferer from discerning reality in any meaningful way. OR, maybe, conservatism is a reality-challenged mindset that prevents the sufferer from mitigating panic in any meaningful way. One way or the other, science bears out the connection between right-wingers and fear obsessions, though no one yet knows how they’re connected.

That’s a heads-up for you, before I post the reactions of Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick to the shootings in Dallas. Because if there is anyone to be pitied, beyond Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, and the 5 blameless policemen executed last night, it is this pathetic beast.

He blamed Black Lives Matter protesters for the violence against police and said people “with big mouths are creating situations like we saw last night.”

“We have to have their back,” Patrick said of police. “And I’m sick and tired of those who are protesting our police and putting their lives in danger.”

You protestors and your big mouths. Why are you all so negative? Why are you so one-sided? Why can’t you mention how great these cops are once in awhile? You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, you know.

“All those protesters last night, they turned around and ran the other way expecting the men and women in blue to protect them. What hypocrites!” an audibly emotional Patrick said.

An armed lunatic starts gunning people down and what do you whiners do? Run the hell away. What’s that? You don’t have a badge? Or a gun? You can still run toward the shooter. You can run right out in front of the cops and start waving your arms. Ever consider that? You won’t survive, but it’s better than people only thinking you’re some sort of cynical protestor.

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All of the really good Nazi. Just the best Nazi.

Hillary Clinton, the money-grubbing New York Jewess…

hillary the jew

…was attacked on Twitter this morning by member in good standing of the master race Donald Trump. Hell these tactics worked once before, why not try ’em again?

nazi propaganda

Take zat you fill-see Democrat. And your Mexicans. And your Muslims. Pocahontas wooh-wooh-wooo! UNTERVOLK…sad.

At some point this schweinhund bullshit will wear thin and Trump will have no choice but to start pulling the heads off of puppies with his razor-encrusted hands. Republicans being the moral monsters they are, Donald will otherwise stand a pretty good chance of becoming the next president. So here’s looking forward to that glorious misfortune, friends, the gooey gory puppyguts day that will save America – if not rescue our tsk tsk stubborn House Speaker Paul Ryan. WHO will sorrowfully dog-paddle his way ‘cross a pit of boiling iron in a cyanide conflagration to cast his vote for Donald. Traurig.

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Saturday Saturday Saturday. Tubman v. Jackson showdown.

For some reason the Republican congress didn’t block this.

“The Obama administration went stupid again and went stupid for no reason!”

It’s Harriet Tubman on the 20 dollar bill. Really? She’s isn’t white, she doesn’t have a penis, and she never owned any slaves. How many Indians did she murder, like two? What, zero?!

“We could use a $25 bill. Put her picture on that and we could all celebrate. That’s the smart and easy thing to do,” [Greta] Van Susteren announced smugly.

Sure you could pay your Applebee’s ticket with a Jackson and a Lincoln. But just imagine whipping out a VanSusteren and completely flummoxing the waitress. You could spend the next 15 minutes of your life trying to convince her that the face didn’t belong to a basketball player. Good times. Seriously Edith, there’s no need to call the Treasury Department.

“Some people don’t think, would rather gratuitously stir up conflict in the nation. That is so awful and yes, dumb.”

It’s dumb that we don’t have a twenty-five dollar bill. Stupid. We should put one of the Duck Dynasty guys on the thirty, incidentally.

Speaking to reporters about the possibility of Tubman being honored, [Steve] King decided to blame President Obama for it.

“He’s divided us down the lines of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, prosperity versus poverty, and pitted us against each other,” King said, according to the Omaha World-Herald.

Andrew Jackson was a man who brought Americans together. The get-togethers were called shooting parties. “Huddle up, everybody, try not to drink too much ale beforehand. Pissing in the straw makes noise.” Hot Tip: aim for the squaws.

The lawmaker, who once said that undocumented immigrants had “calves the size of cantaloupes” because they were drug mules, also called the move sexist.

King said that Jackson was “a president of the United States that was in fine and good standing.”

His credit’s good, of course. Sure I’ll take his check – he’s on the twenty dollar bill. But it might be different once he’s relegated to the history books. He’ll have to get by on the merits.

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John McCain’s theory of ISIS

The old man in Washington with a hard-on for Mideast war (well, one of them) has a theory about why so many nightclubbers were just shot and killed in Orlando. Get a load of this crap.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), the elder Republican statesman, said President Obama was “directly responsible” for the terror attack in Orlando due to his failure to combat the rise of the Islamic State terror group.

…and you thought shooter Omar Mateen was just some closeted loser. A local nutjob. You thought he was frustrated by his inability to do his job properly, or to do his life properly. Or to do his ‘boyfriend’ properly. Please you homegrown hayseeds, Omar was a fully-fledged ISIS.

McCain answered the question about the gun debate by citing Obama’s culpability for the attack through his foreign policy: “Barack Obama is directly responsible for it, because when he pulled everybody out of Iraq, al-Qaeda went to Syria, became ISIS, and ISIS is what it is today thanks to Barack Obama’s failures,” McCain said.

So it was when President Obama pulled American forces out of Iraq, per President Bush’s Status of Forces Agreement (a piece of paper occasionally referred to in international courts as The Law), that Al Qaeda fled to Syria.(?) If only spineless Obama had left 100,000 soldiers behind he could have prevented that! The jihadis could have stayed around to kill us. Anyway, it was about that same time Omar Mateen started thinking about men – happy men, dancing men, running n’ shooting men – and he began masturbating, probably out of foreign policy frustration (which makes some sense, as in A Thing John McCain Might Know Something About).

As the months wore on, and because the President wouldn’t send the Army right back, Omar’s private habits only got worse – carrying on, shall we say, furiously? Which of course caught the attention of ISIS. They whisked him away for a weekend of intensive terrorist training, and hunk-porn viewing, accompanied by savage beatings and the occasional thumbsucking. (If you thought these terrorists weren’t master psychologists…think again.)

Eventually Omar was returned to America. Where he was to wait for their signal: GO hang out in gay clubs across Orlando, and TEASE subscribers to the Jack’d app with promises of hooking up, then SHOOT the Godless infidels. Obviously John McCain is right, the unspeakable horror in Orlando has got the fingerprints of ISIS all over it. Oh I’m sorry, I meant to say ‘of Barack Obama.’

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Mass shooter Omar Mateen was gay

I’ve been waiting for this news to drop. It seemed to be only a matter of time.

A former classmate of Omar Mateen’s 2006 police academy class said he believed Mateen was gay, saying Mateen once asked him out…

The classmate said that he, Mateen and other classmates would hang out, sometimes going to gay nightclubs, after classes at the Indian River Community College police academy. He said Mateen asked him out romantically.

Now the picture comes into focus. Omar is a closeted gay man. He wants to be himself, but he’s afraid of what he’ll become. He wants to be accepted, but he’s tortured and weird. He wants to be a good employee, but he keeps getting fired. He wants to be a city cop, but he can’t pass the tests. A frustrated man.

“We went to a few gay bars with him, and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer,” the former classmate said… “He just wanted to fit in and no one liked him,” he said. “He was always socially awkward.”

In Orlando, the Los Angeles Times reported that Mateen attended the Pulse nightclub possibly as many as a dozen times before the rampage. Kevin West said he had messaged Mateen back and forth over a year’s time on the gay dating app Jack’d but never met him until he saw Mateen crossing the street about 1 a.m. Sunday.

“He walked directly past me. I said, ‘Hey,’ and he turned and said, ‘Hey,’” and nodded his head, West said. “I could tell by the eyes.”

Can you imagine? Seeing someone you thought was cute on a dating app, in person? He says ‘Hey’ as he walks past you then murders 50 people. Shudder.

At least four regular customers of Pulse, the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender nightclub where the massacre took place, told the Orlando Sentinel on Monday that they believed they had seen Mateen there before.

“Sometimes he would go over in the corner and sit and drink by himself, and other times he would get so drunk he was loud and belligerent,” said Ty Smith, who also uses the name Aries.

A security guard co-worker also says Mateen was that way, all the time. Eventually he quit to get away from the man. But Mateen kept texting and e-mailing him, like an angry misfit.

[Smith] saw Mateen at the club at least a dozen times, he told the Sentinel. “We didn’t really talk to him a lot, but I remember him saying things about his dad at times,” Smith said. “He told us he had a wife and child”…

Chris Callen recalled the eventual killer being escorted drunk from the Pulse bar on multiple occasions, including one incident where he pointed a knife at a friend. Said Callen, who performs under the name Kristina McLaughlin, “He’s been going to this bar for at least three years.”

I’m not exactly sure what this means for the idea of ‘terrorism’ being the motive here. Mateen seems to be striking out against the people who successfully made the transition to adulthood, or at least sexual maturity.

Certainly you could see that as terrorism, but that’s of a different stripe than what ISIS does. Not religion or politics. Then again…? My ISIS/Al Qaeda genesis myth is heavily based on male frustration, like ‘These people are not allowed to have sex, or kiss, or hold hands with, or even talk to women. That can’t be healthy.’ In Mateen’s case, you can just switch it to men. I know that sort of deprivation would have made me angry. Like, hysterical.

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Brock Turner: Now you know (pt. I)

If you’re wondering how someone grows up to be the kind of person who would take an intoxicated woman behind a dumpster, put her down in the dirt, strip her clothes off, take cellphone pictures of her for his pals LOL, and then sexually assault her, you might try reading the ‘character’ letters sent to Judge Persky from Brock Turner’s family and friends. You’ll get a pretty good picture of the punkass environment the teen has been stewing in all his life. Years from now I imagine anthropologists will unearth the Turner clan’s heartfelt missives and marvel at the people who apparently, like the Pirahas of the Amazon, who neither draw nor understand pictures, have no concept of the word ‘rape.’

Our lives now exist in 2 phases-prior to the weekend of Jan. 17/18, 2015 and after that weekend. The weekend started out pretty exciting for Dan and I-we sold the home we raised the kids in after Brock graduated. We need to downsize not only the size of the house but our payment. Having Brock in school across the country meant added expenses so we needed some extra money. We moved into our new home on Jan. 17, 2015. Then we got that fateful call from Brock on Sunday the 18th and our world was been spinning apart ever since. This house now reminds me of the horror of that moment. I have not decorated the house nor have I hung anything on the walls. I am a mom who loves family pictures but I haven’t had the heart to put photos around of our family being happy. How can I?

How can Brock’s Mom? Hmm Judge? Now that her son has been charged with, well, whatever this thing is? And she loves family pictures, but there’s isn’t one currently hanging on the walls. Hard to believe she could write such a letter and never once speak of the victim or the crime, but there it is. Ma Turner isn’t courageous enough to try taking a broader view. As in, you know, one outside herself. This is as close to the real world as she gets:

We will never be happy again. Those happy family times are gone forever, replaced by despair, fear, depression, anxiety, doubt, and dread. I don’t think I have been able to take a deep breath since this happened.

Dear me. This would probably be a good time to wonder how the victim has been doing, incidentally. Right?

The isolation at times was unbearable. You cannot give me back the life I had before that night either. While you worry about your shattered reputation, I refrigerated spoons every night so when I woke up, and my eyes were puffy from crying, I would hold the spoons to my eyes to lessen the swelling so that I could see.

Yeah whatever, back to gloomy Mom.

Then that awful, horrible, terrible, gut-wrenching, life-changing verdict was read. I know what a broken heart feels like. It is a physical pain that starts just below the collar bone and extends to below the rib cage, it is a crushing and heavy ache that feels like I am being squeezed. This feeling has not left my body since the verdict. This verdict has destroyed us. Brock is a shattered and broken shell of the person he used to be… My first thought upon wakening every morning is “this isn’t real, this can’t be real. Why him? Why HIM? WHY? WHY?”

WHY oh WHY my Special Guy? Li’l Brock? Poor distraught confused and hope-less Mrs. Turner, living out her colorless days in a picture-free home. I mean of all the people in the world, the police went and chose HIM? Oh the pain, you can only imagine. As for the WHY, I’m really only spitballing here, running around in circles in left field, but here goes: Because Brock is a turd? Because society has standards, and laws? Because putting people down in the dirt and violating them should have consequences? Might I mention that if you, Carleen Turner, were 20 years old again, and had gotten too drunk at a party, Li’l Brock could easily have done it to you?

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And Scott Adams weighs in

Apparently Scott Adams, scribbler of master comic Dilbert, should be taken seriously because he has been a certified genius for years. And years are long, you know?

It is not unlikely or unreasonable that a natural national wonder should have his own blog and comment freely upon things that you don’t really understand but that you might, given his help. Here’s a little something for you to think about, meaning don’t really think about it and just kind of… you know hmmmm. You probably never ever thought about “persuasion” before, so here:

I’ll start by reminding readers that my politics don’t align with any of the candidates. My interest in the race has been limited to Trump’s extraordinary persuasion skills. But lately Hillary Clinton has moved into the persuasion game – and away from boring facts and policies – with great success. Let’s talk about that.

This past week we saw Clinton pair the idea of President Trump with nuclear disaster, racism, Hitler, the Holocaust, and whatever else makes you tremble in fear.

That is good persuasion if you can pull it off because fear is a strong motivator.

This is a little bit odd as Scott doesn’t seem to care about either side. I mean, Trump and Clinton are fairly far apart in their beliefs and values, you know? He’s just providing analysis. OH I forgot, GENIUS. Right, right…

Her new scare tactics are solid-gold persuasion. I wouldn’t be surprised if you see Clinton’s numbers versus Trump improve in June, at least temporarily, until Trump finds a counter-move…

Well, it seems Hillary has trumped Trump in the continental persuasing derby. Scott is the first to congratulate her for the verbal ju-jitsu. Certain words were used by the New York loudmouth but then OTHER WORDS were used by the former First Lady. Take that Twitter Einstein, rust covered billionaire. I’m as good as you at whatever you call this, public crapfest. And this depressing thing has been brought to you by Scott Adams, opinionator of notable intelligence.

Fair enough.

The only downside I can see to the new approach is that it is likely to trigger a race war in the United States. And I would be a top-ten assassination target in that scenario because once you define Trump as Hitler, you also give citizens moral permission to kill him.

Umm blurg? Jews kill what?

And obviously it would be okay to kill anyone who actively supports a genocidal dictator, including anyone who wrote about his persuasion skills in positive terms.

We think you’re a Holocaust guy now? Because a presidential campaign?

So I’ve decided to endorse Hillary Clinton for President, for my personal safety… I have no psychic powers and I don’t know which candidate would be the best president. But I do know which outcome is most likely to get me killed by my fellow citizens. So for safety reason, I’m on team Clinton.

Oh no. Precious has gotten his feewings hurt. Black Lives Matters protestors have been beaten repeatedly at Trump rallies while the candidate pined for the days we could lynch such uppity people, but Hillary Clinton just insulted Donald Trump! You hear that? MADE A POINT OF SAYING HE’S A RACIST. Ha ha ho ho so I can’t vote for Hitler. Well, dip me in Zyklon B.

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Venn diagrams are EAZY hard

Candidate Clinton ptew tweets shit at the enemy d’you feel the heat?

…I mean if you were The Congress you’d be all like OH NO a tweet from someone running for ZZzzzzzz. Some folks are really very good at pissing in the wind.

And Washington Post then comes in to flaunt their genius.

What’s that?

FiveThirtyEight’s Ben Casselman put it succinctly on Twitter: “This isn’t remotely how Venn diagrams work.” (His tweet, as of writing, has more retweets than the Clinton campaign’s.)

He’s right. A Venn diagram is meant to show the overlap between two groups of things — ideally, to scale. One problem with the Clinton diagram, for example, is that “gun owners” in this context is a group that exists entirely within the universe of “Americans.” What’s more, if the overlap is meant to be “supports universal background checks,” the overlap should cover 90 percent of the circle of “Americans.”

The ‘circle’ is ’90 percent of Americans’. So we should overlap the whole thing? Der? But certainly a WaPo writer should feel unencumbered at all times in whatever mocking duties they self-prescribe to taint other people as stupid. Completely fuck-all. Like, really?

wapo venn fail

Note: The title of this second-grade finger pointing, from WaPo’s The Fix column, natch, is unfailingly – wait for it, waaaaait – We fixed Hillary Clinton’s terrible Venn diagram on gun control. Because stupid Hillary know-nothing Clinton wouldn’t have a clue what a “Venn Diagram should have looked something like” if she’d tripped over it in the sandbox. Har! C’mon!

Haha snootface. Candidate cat brains. Our graphs are red hot, your graphs are doodley squat boomp boomp. BY THE WAY there is an additional atom sized footnote, a mild little meaningless ortlike bugscale tangent. Ahem:

(We didn’t use circles, because we didn’t feel like doing advanced math to calculate the size of the curved overlap.)

When we make a Venn Diagram WE don’t “use circles.” Mmkay? Got that? But do feel free to widdle and diddle my smartypants brain dong. Go willy and/or nilly on the ole’ Clintoris. Because journalism n’ me we just done fixt ya whole life, that’s right.

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